This isn't the first time I have seen the Escondido Police Force react in this way. I am starting to lose my faith in them....
On December 18, 2010 we called the Police Department to report six drunk teenagers at the Iceoplex in Escondido. The Police promptly came to the scene and asked two friends and I to identify the teens, who had also been talking about driving home. When my friends and I were unable to identify them in less than a minute... we were told that they would inform the staff to call them if there was a problem. My friend then told the responding officers that she had already informed the staff and they did not seem to mind. The officer said he would talk to them himself. His conversation with the staff member consisted of "call us if you need us" but did not inform the staff member what the issue was. The officers then left.
We know that there has been an influx of teenage driving deaths lately and see the matter as important. Unfortunately it seems that our police force does not.
18 December 2010
12 December 2010
Secrets
So much to say. So much sleep to be had.
Its finals week. And two classes I am super comfortable with my grades. Another class, I am holding my breath. Not because I slacked off, but because I genuinely didn't get it. And I kid you not, that is the first time that has happened.
I was loading PostSecret tonight and a few secrets didn't load. Which is so weird because they always do. I clicked on the first one that didn't load for me. And there was my secret staring me in the face. Not MY secret because I didn't send it in. But what I imagine my postcard would say if I did send one in. And no, I won't tell you which secret it was.
Do you ever run into people that you haven't seen in years, only to question every little move you made when the exchange was over? I did this more than once this weekend. Am I overly self-conscious? I'm gonna venture and say probably. I'm not gonna say who it was, simply because I saw so many people this weekend and I didn't do this every time I saw someone. But seriously, one conversation I went over and over in my head. The person NEVER gave any indication that it was awkward or off or anything. I don't know I just couldn't get it off my mind.
I used to be so extroverted. I was a goof ball and just plain didn't care what people thought? This has totally changed. I saw something tonight on someone's status. And it made me think of who I used to be; what I used to stand for. Don't get me wrong, I know who I am, but its the shy keep to myselfness (yes I know thats not a word) that has me bugged.
I guess, and I've said this before, its that I don't know how to meet other people outside the bar. And let me tell you- I am SO over the bar scene. That life will get you nowhere and fast.
I dunno.. maybe when I get to Texas...
Its finals week. And two classes I am super comfortable with my grades. Another class, I am holding my breath. Not because I slacked off, but because I genuinely didn't get it. And I kid you not, that is the first time that has happened.
I was loading PostSecret tonight and a few secrets didn't load. Which is so weird because they always do. I clicked on the first one that didn't load for me. And there was my secret staring me in the face. Not MY secret because I didn't send it in. But what I imagine my postcard would say if I did send one in. And no, I won't tell you which secret it was.
Do you ever run into people that you haven't seen in years, only to question every little move you made when the exchange was over? I did this more than once this weekend. Am I overly self-conscious? I'm gonna venture and say probably. I'm not gonna say who it was, simply because I saw so many people this weekend and I didn't do this every time I saw someone. But seriously, one conversation I went over and over in my head. The person NEVER gave any indication that it was awkward or off or anything. I don't know I just couldn't get it off my mind.
I used to be so extroverted. I was a goof ball and just plain didn't care what people thought? This has totally changed. I saw something tonight on someone's status. And it made me think of who I used to be; what I used to stand for. Don't get me wrong, I know who I am, but its the shy keep to myselfness (yes I know thats not a word) that has me bugged.
I guess, and I've said this before, its that I don't know how to meet other people outside the bar. And let me tell you- I am SO over the bar scene. That life will get you nowhere and fast.
I dunno.. maybe when I get to Texas...
21 November 2010
Time goes by, so slowly
I once heard that Madonna song on an airplane. It was on one of those flights with the TV screen in front of you? It was a red-eye to Florida with my mom and Aunt. And this was the first song that came on whenever I turned on the music station. It was probably the worst song on a plane.
I've never slept well on planes. Even on my way home from Hawaii the first time. It was a red eye. And I just cried. I was 15 I think. And I just wanted to get where I was going. I wanted to sleep and I didn't feel well.
That is kind of where my life is right now. I know where I am going, but the flight there feels like forever.
I'm probably putting way too much stock in this move. But, I feel like my new life will start there. Even if I end up moving back to California, life is going to start out there. Or at least, I hope.
The move is only about nine months away. And it can't get here sooner. I'm so afraid that it is going to drag on.
When the plane lands, it is always my favorite part. One time, the plane literally bounced twice when I landed. So, when is this plane going to land?
I've never slept well on planes. Even on my way home from Hawaii the first time. It was a red eye. And I just cried. I was 15 I think. And I just wanted to get where I was going. I wanted to sleep and I didn't feel well.
That is kind of where my life is right now. I know where I am going, but the flight there feels like forever.
I'm probably putting way too much stock in this move. But, I feel like my new life will start there. Even if I end up moving back to California, life is going to start out there. Or at least, I hope.
The move is only about nine months away. And it can't get here sooner. I'm so afraid that it is going to drag on.
When the plane lands, it is always my favorite part. One time, the plane literally bounced twice when I landed. So, when is this plane going to land?
28 October 2010
So...
Okay, my fabulous friend Justine pointed something out to me. And she is one of those people who can say something and actually make me think about it.
She said that my last blog sounded like I was cutting people down. Please don't take it that way. It is not what I meant.
My mom was (and still is) a housewife. She quit her job when I was in third grade and hasn't looked back. She is one of my best friends. I wouldn't give that up for anything in the world.
I have the utmost respect for women who stay home and raise their children. My brothers and I would not be the people that we are had she not been home.
She and my dad have always told me to get an education. Because, there may be a day (and there WILL be a day) where I need to support myself. And that day would have been made easier by getting my education first.
Women are already married without education. And that is awesome. And there is nothing wrong with getting an education after you are married. But, the point? Get an education, some way some how.
She said that my last blog sounded like I was cutting people down. Please don't take it that way. It is not what I meant.
My mom was (and still is) a housewife. She quit her job when I was in third grade and hasn't looked back. She is one of my best friends. I wouldn't give that up for anything in the world.
I have the utmost respect for women who stay home and raise their children. My brothers and I would not be the people that we are had she not been home.
She and my dad have always told me to get an education. Because, there may be a day (and there WILL be a day) where I need to support myself. And that day would have been made easier by getting my education first.
Women are already married without education. And that is awesome. And there is nothing wrong with getting an education after you are married. But, the point? Get an education, some way some how.
Advice for Women
I know sometimes people don't agree with what I say. It comes with the territory. I'm okay with that. But, something I have learned that I want women to know. This road hasn't been an easy one. Its been long. Sometimes I felt like I was walking barefoot. Most of the time I feel like I am walking alone. Its been hot some days and rainy other days. It's been a long walk and some days, it seems like there will never be an end.
I've learned a lot of lessons along the way. I've grown. I've become a COMPLETELY different person than I was two years ago. Unrecognizable even. The biggest lesson I've learned and the most important is that you don't know what tomorrow holds. I want to say that again: You do NOT know what tomorrow holds. You can't count on your spouse for tomorrow. Whether it is by divorce or something unspeakable, you do not know what is going to happen.
That being said, I don't have an education. I lied, I should say I don't have a full education. I have about half of an education. I thought I wouldn't be able to finish. I thought I was just going to have to work my ass off an pay nothing jobs. Wrong. I do get to finish my education. And I am finishing my education. But, the thing is, it would have been easier to finish my education before I got married. As a normal college student would. But, of course I learn things the hard way.
Honestly, I would tell women to do it the easy way. Go to school, Get a degree, Get a job and then get married. Or at least have a degree before you get married. Because it is so much harder to do it this way. And you need to be able to support yourself. If tomorrow holds some unspeakable future, you want to have a job or be able to get a job that allows you to support yourself.
I look at the women who are homemakers and have no skills other than changing diapers and cooking dinner and no real marketable skills, and it makes me wonder what they would do if they were put in my situation. And they can tell me that they don't believe in divorce. I can understand that. Neither do I and I am still in this situation. As I said before, you never know. I fully trusted him and his beliefs. So, what security can you have in that?
I know, right now those exact susie homemakers are rolling their eyes at me, thinking I'm an idiot and all out genuinely hating me. Deep down, you know I'm right. You know there is a chance he could leave, something unspeakable could happen, he could lose his job or you could outright NEED to get a job. And then what?
I'm not against wanting to be a stay at home mom. There is NO shame in that. And that is not what I am saying. But, going through everything I've gone through has taught me how crucial it is to get an education.
I'll leave you with this. Even if you never use a college education at a job, isn't it worth it just to be educated?
I've learned a lot of lessons along the way. I've grown. I've become a COMPLETELY different person than I was two years ago. Unrecognizable even. The biggest lesson I've learned and the most important is that you don't know what tomorrow holds. I want to say that again: You do NOT know what tomorrow holds. You can't count on your spouse for tomorrow. Whether it is by divorce or something unspeakable, you do not know what is going to happen.
That being said, I don't have an education. I lied, I should say I don't have a full education. I have about half of an education. I thought I wouldn't be able to finish. I thought I was just going to have to work my ass off an pay nothing jobs. Wrong. I do get to finish my education. And I am finishing my education. But, the thing is, it would have been easier to finish my education before I got married. As a normal college student would. But, of course I learn things the hard way.
Honestly, I would tell women to do it the easy way. Go to school, Get a degree, Get a job and then get married. Or at least have a degree before you get married. Because it is so much harder to do it this way. And you need to be able to support yourself. If tomorrow holds some unspeakable future, you want to have a job or be able to get a job that allows you to support yourself.
I look at the women who are homemakers and have no skills other than changing diapers and cooking dinner and no real marketable skills, and it makes me wonder what they would do if they were put in my situation. And they can tell me that they don't believe in divorce. I can understand that. Neither do I and I am still in this situation. As I said before, you never know. I fully trusted him and his beliefs. So, what security can you have in that?
I know, right now those exact susie homemakers are rolling their eyes at me, thinking I'm an idiot and all out genuinely hating me. Deep down, you know I'm right. You know there is a chance he could leave, something unspeakable could happen, he could lose his job or you could outright NEED to get a job. And then what?
I'm not against wanting to be a stay at home mom. There is NO shame in that. And that is not what I am saying. But, going through everything I've gone through has taught me how crucial it is to get an education.
I'll leave you with this. Even if you never use a college education at a job, isn't it worth it just to be educated?
17 October 2010
ugh.
I'm not stupid. Not by any definition of the word. And I'd venture to say that I'm pretty smart- okay really smart. So, the most frustrating thing in the world is when I don't understand a subject in school. This has never happened. I usually get things so well that I stop paying attention- hence the negative direction my education has taken. But, since I've been back in school I've been really focused. I read my econ book every week and I do my work and I post on our discussion boards and I get it. And then I take the test. And I fail. And not just a little. I'm saying on the last two quizzes I've gotten 4 out of 10. FOUR! FOUR! Do you know how great my "C" in Econ looks next to the "A" in my other two classes? And right now, I'm barely holding on to that "C". I want to cry. I want to crawl in a hole and cry. And my natural instinct is to say eff it and stop doing my work for the class. And I really want to. But, I can't. If I don't pass all my classes this semester, the school won't give me my scholarship money next semester, which means no school next semester. THIS SUCKS.
20 September 2010
Frustrations
So, I'd like to say life is going fabulously and I just have my moments. That's not exactly the truth. Life is good. My classes are going well. And I really like the online format, now that I am focused on what I really want to do (write.. duh). But, the area that is getting me down is finances. Am I broke? Not exactly. But, I will be very soon.
I took that job up in Orange County, with the intention of moving up there. But, as it turns out, it was costing me more to work up there then I was making. And, I couldn't afford to move. So, I had to quit. We're still not sure if this is going to ruin my unemployment claim. I'm currently waiting to hear from them and find out.
And, yes, I did get a job. The one I interviewed for the day I moved back down here. The teacher's aide position. But, it still hasn't started. Its been over two weeks. I'm ready to start working. The problem too, is that you only get paid once a month. So, at this rate, I won't get a paycheck for another 6 weeks. Talk about stressful!
So, my mom just told me to be careful what I write on my blog. That "the Navy might see it." Who gives a fuck? Seriously. Hopefully, they do see it, and they do see how frustrated I am with the crappy way this whole thing has been handled. Isn't there such a thing as free speech? I'm not writing anything bad. I'm not releasing any secrets. I'm writing, about my life. I'm doing exactly what I want to do for a career. Write. Actually, the more and more I write about this, the more and more frustrated I get.
I can understand not posting drunk pictures on Facebook. That makes sense. Because, really, who wants to hire a drunken mess? But, there's nothing on here about "oh I was so drunk this weekend." No. Because, that's not me. This is me, writing about my life. Take it or leave it.
If the Navy has a problem with this, then maybe I don't want to enlist?
I took that job up in Orange County, with the intention of moving up there. But, as it turns out, it was costing me more to work up there then I was making. And, I couldn't afford to move. So, I had to quit. We're still not sure if this is going to ruin my unemployment claim. I'm currently waiting to hear from them and find out.
And, yes, I did get a job. The one I interviewed for the day I moved back down here. The teacher's aide position. But, it still hasn't started. Its been over two weeks. I'm ready to start working. The problem too, is that you only get paid once a month. So, at this rate, I won't get a paycheck for another 6 weeks. Talk about stressful!
So, my mom just told me to be careful what I write on my blog. That "the Navy might see it." Who gives a fuck? Seriously. Hopefully, they do see it, and they do see how frustrated I am with the crappy way this whole thing has been handled. Isn't there such a thing as free speech? I'm not writing anything bad. I'm not releasing any secrets. I'm writing, about my life. I'm doing exactly what I want to do for a career. Write. Actually, the more and more I write about this, the more and more frustrated I get.
I can understand not posting drunk pictures on Facebook. That makes sense. Because, really, who wants to hire a drunken mess? But, there's nothing on here about "oh I was so drunk this weekend." No. Because, that's not me. This is me, writing about my life. Take it or leave it.
If the Navy has a problem with this, then maybe I don't want to enlist?
14 September 2010
I don't like myself
I don't mean for this to sound all emo. Because it's really not supposed to. But, I'm really starting to hate myself. There are certain parts of, well me, that are holding me back from the things I really want in life. And I can't stand myself for it. More often than not, I want to cry.
And before you start in with the whole "get over it" thing. I can't. Its one of those things you can't just get over. In fact, the thought of just "getting over it" sends me into a panic.
I wish I could just do something about this. Because, tonight, is one of those bad nights where I just hate myself for this affliction.
And before you start in with the whole "get over it" thing. I can't. Its one of those things you can't just get over. In fact, the thought of just "getting over it" sends me into a panic.
I wish I could just do something about this. Because, tonight, is one of those bad nights where I just hate myself for this affliction.
06 September 2010
look forward and never forget
I hate that I am thinking about writing a positive post, in the light of everything that is happening. But, I will never forget what has happened to my dear, dear friends. And I don't want the gravity of the situation to be forgotten.
Things have been going pretty well since I got home (aside from the tragedies that have crushed us all). I moved back home on Thursday afternoon. I had a job interview on Friday morning. It was for a TA position at the school that my aunt's have worked in for years and years. My brother did the same job a few years back. I asked for prayers for this on facebook. Only because the job is a downgrade in pay. But, it forces me to be in school. You have to be enrolled in 6 units per semester. It is a job that would force me to use my brain. Way more than the last brainless job I had.
I went for the interview. And it helped knowing that my Aunt's were friends with the teachers, it helped me relax and not be as shy. So, I went in and talked. And I guess they liked me. They hired me on the spot. But, now, I have to wait to do fingerprinting and paperwork and all that. It's not a big deal. I just hate waiting.
I'm excited. It would be helping kids (high schoolers) with their work. And when I have down time, I get to do my own work. Its a good setup.
Here's to hoping things are getting better.
Things have been going pretty well since I got home (aside from the tragedies that have crushed us all). I moved back home on Thursday afternoon. I had a job interview on Friday morning. It was for a TA position at the school that my aunt's have worked in for years and years. My brother did the same job a few years back. I asked for prayers for this on facebook. Only because the job is a downgrade in pay. But, it forces me to be in school. You have to be enrolled in 6 units per semester. It is a job that would force me to use my brain. Way more than the last brainless job I had.
I went for the interview. And it helped knowing that my Aunt's were friends with the teachers, it helped me relax and not be as shy. So, I went in and talked. And I guess they liked me. They hired me on the spot. But, now, I have to wait to do fingerprinting and paperwork and all that. It's not a big deal. I just hate waiting.
I'm excited. It would be helping kids (high schoolers) with their work. And when I have down time, I get to do my own work. Its a good setup.
Here's to hoping things are getting better.
04 September 2010
Gut wrenching Pain
My heart is hurting today. Gut wrenching pain. There are certain things in this world that we all wish we could fix. That we wish we could make go away.
My heart aches for a friend of mine. She found out on Thursday that the love of her life, her boyfriend was killed in Afghanistan. Justine texted me to tell me, the moment she found out. All I could say to her was "I don't understand. I don't get it." Over and over and over. You see, Chrissy is one of the most amazing women I have ever had the privilege ofspeaking to knowing. She is nice and sweet to everyone that she comes across. I can't remember a negative word ever coming from her. So after I stopped repeating that I didn't understand, I started asking "why Chrissy? Why Josh? Why them? It's not fair."
I have never questioned the things God has done. I'm not kidding. Even with the divorce I always assumed there was some reason. But this, this I just don't get. Why would God do this to them? I really wish I had an answer, but I don't know that any of us ever will.
We are all a part of this amazing group of women who in less than 24 hours after finding out, had raised over $1000 for her. Women who aren't even active on the site any longer were chipping in. There are no words for that kind of heart and giving. We may have our differences, but boy when we need to, we can get it together.
This life isn't fair. The military life sucks. I hate that this had to happen.
Please please, if anything comes of this, don't forget to tell those around you how much you love them and how grateful you are for them.
I wish I could give her one more call, one more hug, one more kiss... something from him. Anything. I wish she didn't hurt like this.
Chrissy, I wish I could take your pain away. All of us girls want to put our arms around. We want to be there with you and scream and yell and do whatever you need to do. If you need anything at all, I am here for you. Please do not hesitate to ask. <3
My heart aches for a friend of mine. She found out on Thursday that the love of her life, her boyfriend was killed in Afghanistan. Justine texted me to tell me, the moment she found out. All I could say to her was "I don't understand. I don't get it." Over and over and over. You see, Chrissy is one of the most amazing women I have ever had the privilege of
I have never questioned the things God has done. I'm not kidding. Even with the divorce I always assumed there was some reason. But this, this I just don't get. Why would God do this to them? I really wish I had an answer, but I don't know that any of us ever will.
We are all a part of this amazing group of women who in less than 24 hours after finding out, had raised over $1000 for her. Women who aren't even active on the site any longer were chipping in. There are no words for that kind of heart and giving. We may have our differences, but boy when we need to, we can get it together.
This life isn't fair. The military life sucks. I hate that this had to happen.
Please please, if anything comes of this, don't forget to tell those around you how much you love them and how grateful you are for them.
I wish I could give her one more call, one more hug, one more kiss... something from him. Anything. I wish she didn't hurt like this.
Chrissy, I wish I could take your pain away. All of us girls want to put our arms around. We want to be there with you and scream and yell and do whatever you need to do. If you need anything at all, I am here for you. Please do not hesitate to ask. <3
01 September 2010
Oops.
That didn't go well.
I tried to find a new recruiter. Note, tried. You see. I called 411 and asked for the Navy recruiter in Mira Mesa, CA. I KNOW there is one there. The lady tells me she doesn't have a listing. But, she says "how about San Diego?" Okay, I can drive a bit. "Okay I'll send you to the first one." She connects me.
Guy answers "World's Finest Navy.. blah blah blah." So I give him the schpiel. Explain to him that I already have a recruiter. And everything going on; knees, migraine, amazing asvab.
He responds. I hear his accent. OH. SHIT.
So I ask him "you're in Escondido huh?" Yuuuuup. Fuck.
He knew exactly who I was. How do I cover this up? I don't. I apologize- profusely. Tell him I wasn't trying to do anything and that I was extremely frustrated with my recruiter. And not necessarily that I was still waiting, but that I had no communication and he lost my number-twice. You see, it wasn't my direct recruiter. Nope. It was his boss. So I totally ended up calling out my recruiter to his boss.
I won't be showing my face (or calling) around there any time soon....
I tried to find a new recruiter. Note, tried. You see. I called 411 and asked for the Navy recruiter in Mira Mesa, CA. I KNOW there is one there. The lady tells me she doesn't have a listing. But, she says "how about San Diego?" Okay, I can drive a bit. "Okay I'll send you to the first one." She connects me.
Guy answers "World's Finest Navy.. blah blah blah." So I give him the schpiel. Explain to him that I already have a recruiter. And everything going on; knees, migraine, amazing asvab.
He responds. I hear his accent. OH. SHIT.
So I ask him "you're in Escondido huh?" Yuuuuup. Fuck.
He knew exactly who I was. How do I cover this up? I don't. I apologize- profusely. Tell him I wasn't trying to do anything and that I was extremely frustrated with my recruiter. And not necessarily that I was still waiting, but that I had no communication and he lost my number-twice. You see, it wasn't my direct recruiter. Nope. It was his boss. So I totally ended up calling out my recruiter to his boss.
I won't be showing my face (or calling) around there any time soon....
25 August 2010
Navy Question. Help!
I have a lot of military friends around. So I had a question, and its kind of a matter of opinion.
So 3 months ago, back in May, MEPS had some issue or another with my knee. We thought it was my migraines. I was TOLD by the doctors that it was my migraines. But, the code that was written down was for my knee, which I had surgery on almost SIX YEARS AGO now. And I played a year of college volleyball on it. When the recruiter said knee, I figured whatev, its not that big of a deal. They had to send it to Tennessee for the Naval Medical Bureau to decide. Recruiter tells me three months. No big deal. I wait it out. I go through the phase of not wanting to go. blah blah blah.
About two weeks ago, I decide I want to go, like yesterday. So, I call the recruiter. Head Recruiter, knows me, remembers me says he is going to see what's up with it. I call back the next day, they are not there, but some kid answers and says he will find out and call me back. But, he doesn't (I'm assuming he was a recruiter, just sounded really young and had no idea who I was, fair enough). But, then I call the office the next day and my recruiter answers says he has no info. I tell him I'm gonna call him every week until I know something. A week later, I try to stop by the office at 2:30, no one is there. No biggie. I go shopping for about 20-30 minutes. Come back. Nope not there. So I call the recruiters cell phone. And he answers, and I ask him if there is anything new. He says no. And I explain to him how I'm really ready to go and he doesn't seem interested. Then asks if I got a new cell phone number. Um no? I've had this phone for almost 4 years! You've called me on it! So apparently he didn't even have my number.
The only contact I've gotten from him in the last three months was of my own doing.
So the question, is it time to find a new recruiter?
So 3 months ago, back in May, MEPS had some issue or another with my knee. We thought it was my migraines. I was TOLD by the doctors that it was my migraines. But, the code that was written down was for my knee, which I had surgery on almost SIX YEARS AGO now. And I played a year of college volleyball on it. When the recruiter said knee, I figured whatev, its not that big of a deal. They had to send it to Tennessee for the Naval Medical Bureau to decide. Recruiter tells me three months. No big deal. I wait it out. I go through the phase of not wanting to go. blah blah blah.
About two weeks ago, I decide I want to go, like yesterday. So, I call the recruiter. Head Recruiter, knows me, remembers me says he is going to see what's up with it. I call back the next day, they are not there, but some kid answers and says he will find out and call me back. But, he doesn't (I'm assuming he was a recruiter, just sounded really young and had no idea who I was, fair enough). But, then I call the office the next day and my recruiter answers says he has no info. I tell him I'm gonna call him every week until I know something. A week later, I try to stop by the office at 2:30, no one is there. No biggie. I go shopping for about 20-30 minutes. Come back. Nope not there. So I call the recruiters cell phone. And he answers, and I ask him if there is anything new. He says no. And I explain to him how I'm really ready to go and he doesn't seem interested. Then asks if I got a new cell phone number. Um no? I've had this phone for almost 4 years! You've called me on it! So apparently he didn't even have my number.
The only contact I've gotten from him in the last three months was of my own doing.
So the question, is it time to find a new recruiter?
09 August 2010
Misery Business...
I wish that someone, even just one person, knew how miserable I am. All. The. Time. I don't even wake up happy. There's really nothing to look forward to. Its like an endless cycle. For once, it has nothing to do with the divorce. I realized the other day, that I don't even feel that pain anymore. I'm completely over that. So that's good.
So, why am I so miserable? I really wish I could answer that. It would help me fix this issue. I do know that I am not where I thought I would be at 24, almost 25. I expected to at least have a degree by now. NOPE. But, the best I can say for myself is that I have gone back, and I DO know what I want to do for myself. At least today.
I guess I just feel lonely. I see that everyone my age (at least a lot of them) they are all out and have lives and are making lives. But, where am I, exactly? Lost? That sounds about right....
So, why am I so miserable? I really wish I could answer that. It would help me fix this issue. I do know that I am not where I thought I would be at 24, almost 25. I expected to at least have a degree by now. NOPE. But, the best I can say for myself is that I have gone back, and I DO know what I want to do for myself. At least today.
I guess I just feel lonely. I see that everyone my age (at least a lot of them) they are all out and have lives and are making lives. But, where am I, exactly? Lost? That sounds about right....
28 July 2010
How do you get so sick?
There are about to be some big changes in my life. In many many areas. I'll get to some of them later. But first, this post may be a bit TMI.
I knew it was a migraine from the start. My migraines just don't happen like this. I don't get the headache first. My migraines start with losing my vision, which is the scariest feeling in the world, even after getting them for 12 years now. Then, a more recent development, my entire left side goes numb. And then, the most recent development, I stop making sense when I speak. I can't remember words, I jumble my sentences. In all, its a hot mess. And then the headache. The easy part. Usually, once that hits, I'm good to go and fully functional. Its the other stuff (the stroke symptoms, as the doctor calls it) that knock me on my ass.
So, what was different this time? I woke up with the headache. My right eyeball felt like it was swollen. I kept wondering 'is this even possible? Can my eyeball explode?' Okay, maybe I was a bit delirious. But, really, I woke up at about 5:30 with this pain. And I tried sleeping it off. But I woke up at about 7:30 and it wasn't going anywhere, and fast. Doesn't mean that I didn't try. But, at 8, the puke-fest kicked off. I'm not the kind of person that gets sick and throws up. If I get sick its strep throat. I have the worst tonsils EVER. It sucks. But, from that point, I seriously was throwing up every half hour for 2 and a half hours. By the 4th and 5th time, I just kept thinking "I don't have the energy for this." I seriously am wondering how I survived. I just couldn't continue.
In the midst of all this, I was trying to figure out what was wrong. I had the headache, but, it was more like a sinus headache. And yea, I throw up once when I get migraines, it usually relieves the pressure. But, 5 times? That was weird. But, I did end up loosing my vision and my left side went numb. So what was it? All three? I'm still feeling completely off. Better, just off. But, what was it? I still have no idea. Was it the flu, a sinus infection and a migraine all at once? I guess thats possible?
I texted A immediately upon getting sick. Just to give her a heads-up. Her and her dad were the only people I really saw yesterday. If they get sick, I will feel like the worst friend ever. I guess her dad isn't so concerned, he laughed.
Either way, there are going to be some changes. I'm so sick of walking around wondering when I am going to get another migraine. I can't do this. I worry about everything. When I get married again, will I get a migraine that day? I still wonder how I didn't get a migraine the day of my first wedding, I was so stressed out (I mean SOMEONE was 5 hours late.. but another time, another blog). Its just, its not a fun existence. I actually told my mom this is my greatest fear if I end up joining the Navy. This migraine was soooo debilitating that, if I'm in boot camp and this happens, what am I supposed to say 'I have a migraine, I can't.' Cause that's gonna fly. I don't want it to be an issue. I really don't. I wish the whole thing had gone through when I started it. When my heart was in it. But, things happen. And I get migraines, and its a fact of life.
But as for the changes, I definitely need to start taking better care of myself. I always laugh that if a normal person drank the amount of caffeine that I drink they would be up for 10 days. That's not really healthy. And yea, I have a gym membership, but I don't really use it much. Its time to change all this. I'll let you know how it goes.
I knew it was a migraine from the start. My migraines just don't happen like this. I don't get the headache first. My migraines start with losing my vision, which is the scariest feeling in the world, even after getting them for 12 years now. Then, a more recent development, my entire left side goes numb. And then, the most recent development, I stop making sense when I speak. I can't remember words, I jumble my sentences. In all, its a hot mess. And then the headache. The easy part. Usually, once that hits, I'm good to go and fully functional. Its the other stuff (the stroke symptoms, as the doctor calls it) that knock me on my ass.
So, what was different this time? I woke up with the headache. My right eyeball felt like it was swollen. I kept wondering 'is this even possible? Can my eyeball explode?' Okay, maybe I was a bit delirious. But, really, I woke up at about 5:30 with this pain. And I tried sleeping it off. But I woke up at about 7:30 and it wasn't going anywhere, and fast. Doesn't mean that I didn't try. But, at 8, the puke-fest kicked off. I'm not the kind of person that gets sick and throws up. If I get sick its strep throat. I have the worst tonsils EVER. It sucks. But, from that point, I seriously was throwing up every half hour for 2 and a half hours. By the 4th and 5th time, I just kept thinking "I don't have the energy for this." I seriously am wondering how I survived. I just couldn't continue.
In the midst of all this, I was trying to figure out what was wrong. I had the headache, but, it was more like a sinus headache. And yea, I throw up once when I get migraines, it usually relieves the pressure. But, 5 times? That was weird. But, I did end up loosing my vision and my left side went numb. So what was it? All three? I'm still feeling completely off. Better, just off. But, what was it? I still have no idea. Was it the flu, a sinus infection and a migraine all at once? I guess thats possible?
I texted A immediately upon getting sick. Just to give her a heads-up. Her and her dad were the only people I really saw yesterday. If they get sick, I will feel like the worst friend ever. I guess her dad isn't so concerned, he laughed.
Either way, there are going to be some changes. I'm so sick of walking around wondering when I am going to get another migraine. I can't do this. I worry about everything. When I get married again, will I get a migraine that day? I still wonder how I didn't get a migraine the day of my first wedding, I was so stressed out (I mean SOMEONE was 5 hours late.. but another time, another blog). Its just, its not a fun existence. I actually told my mom this is my greatest fear if I end up joining the Navy. This migraine was soooo debilitating that, if I'm in boot camp and this happens, what am I supposed to say 'I have a migraine, I can't.' Cause that's gonna fly. I don't want it to be an issue. I really don't. I wish the whole thing had gone through when I started it. When my heart was in it. But, things happen. And I get migraines, and its a fact of life.
But as for the changes, I definitely need to start taking better care of myself. I always laugh that if a normal person drank the amount of caffeine that I drink they would be up for 10 days. That's not really healthy. And yea, I have a gym membership, but I don't really use it much. Its time to change all this. I'll let you know how it goes.
25 July 2010
Comic Con 2010
I'm not a fan of comic books. I've never read Superman, Batman or anything of the like. I don't watch Anime and I know nothing of artists. But, when someone told me they had passes and asked if I wanted to go, I jumped at the chance. Living in San Diego, you always hear about comic con. In fact, last year I went to downtown San Diego to a club, the weekend of Comic Con. And we saw people, at midnight, still dressed up. Its an intense weekend for the people who are into it. But, like I said, its not my thing.
When you first walk into the San Diego Convention Center, it is overwhelming. There are booths as far as the eye can see. That doesn't even include all the people who come in character. I spent most of the day asking "who is that?" "who is he supposed to be?" I'm pretty sure if I asked it one more time, someone was going to stab me with one of their costume swords. I admit, it was probably annoying, but I didn't know. So it's not my fault. At least I was interested right? The thing that confused me, why were all the girls so scantily clad? That doesn't make sense. I saw two girls in complete lingerie. Corsets, thigh highs lingerie. That, that part I didn't get. And dorky girls, they aren't the ugly girls you remember from high school. I mean, some of them were, but most of them, made me feel ugly.
The first part of the convention that I saw was simply comic books. Batman #1's and amazing Spiderman's. Which, is cool. But, I remained unphased. But as we walked more, we got into the network stuff, the CBS booth and the movie previews. The Harry Potter preview.. amazing. I literally cannot wait to see it. There was a bunch of Big Bang Theory stuff. I loved seeing Sheldon's face everywhere.
All in all, it was a good experience to have. I don't know that I would ever pay to go. Its just not my thing. But, if I ever go again, I am dressing up as Penny from Big Bang Theory. It will demonstrate how out of the loop I am, but still willing to try.
And few pictures:
When you first walk into the San Diego Convention Center, it is overwhelming. There are booths as far as the eye can see. That doesn't even include all the people who come in character. I spent most of the day asking "who is that?" "who is he supposed to be?" I'm pretty sure if I asked it one more time, someone was going to stab me with one of their costume swords. I admit, it was probably annoying, but I didn't know. So it's not my fault. At least I was interested right? The thing that confused me, why were all the girls so scantily clad? That doesn't make sense. I saw two girls in complete lingerie. Corsets, thigh highs lingerie. That, that part I didn't get. And dorky girls, they aren't the ugly girls you remember from high school. I mean, some of them were, but most of them, made me feel ugly.
The first part of the convention that I saw was simply comic books. Batman #1's and amazing Spiderman's. Which, is cool. But, I remained unphased. But as we walked more, we got into the network stuff, the CBS booth and the movie previews. The Harry Potter preview.. amazing. I literally cannot wait to see it. There was a bunch of Big Bang Theory stuff. I loved seeing Sheldon's face everywhere.
All in all, it was a good experience to have. I don't know that I would ever pay to go. Its just not my thing. But, if I ever go again, I am dressing up as Penny from Big Bang Theory. It will demonstrate how out of the loop I am, but still willing to try.
And few pictures:
and the love of my life was there <3
12 July 2010
Lost. Completely. Utterly.
Edited. Apologize.
Forgive me, this is a vent. And I literally have NO ONE that I can say this to.
I seriously wonder if I have hit rock bottom. I haven't had a real paycheck in over a month now. We're still on optional status at work. But, when we do go in, I have clients screaming at me. They have given us $300 since we were raided on June 23. I am job hunting. I've applied at probably 50 places since last week. My cell phone bill is due tomorrow. My Disneyland Annual Pass is due the 20th (Contract says I can't cancel it until December or I would. Paying it was never an issue until this month). My gym membership (comes out of dad's account, too late to cancel) is also due the 20th. I'm already behind on one credit card. I have another card and the payment is due Friday. And I don't know what to do about it. My dad is threatening to kick me out if I don't pay him $100 by the 15th (rent. And he's serious he says "why should I have to suffer?") Plus, my car is finally coming back Sunday and my dad says that they are transferring it into my name on Monday and I have to find insurance. I had a job that would pay for all of this and then some and I would have no problem with that. And I told him this today. I have no problem paying my own insurance and all that. But, not right now, not when this is completely out of my control.
And then, there's my lack of dating. I literally have never felt more rejected in my life. I'm ready to start again. But, there's nothing there. Like literally, no men pay attention to me. And when they do, literally, they try to get sexual in 4.2 seconds. That's not my thing. Not one bit, not at all. And I'm so sick of my friends telling me "why don't you date?" or "you need to date?" Really? really? Ya think so? What do you think I'm doing?
And friends. I can literally count the friends (not family) who would come running if something happened to me, on one hand. And that sucks. I literally have no one around. The one friend I do have (that lives here), isn't always around when her boyfriend (who I introduced her to!) isn't at Mojave Viper. And even like this weekend, I said lets do something that doesn't involved alcohol. She's like I don't have money for that. So just tell me, you don't want to do anything other than drink. And I'll just skip straight to telling you that I am going to stay home. That's where she is. And that is totally fine with me. I'm not opposed to going out. I'm really not. Just not every single night. Its not where I am. And I would love new friends. I would love to be around people. But, I don't know where to start.
I honestly have never felt so alone, and rejected, and lost in my entire life. And I'm starting to lose it. I seriously want to just vanish. I want to delete my facebook, I want to change my number, I want to move far away. And not tell anyone. Because, moments like this, I feel like no one would notice.
Forgive me, this is a vent. And I literally have NO ONE that I can say this to.
I seriously wonder if I have hit rock bottom. I haven't had a real paycheck in over a month now. We're still on optional status at work. But, when we do go in, I have clients screaming at me. They have given us $300 since we were raided on June 23. I am job hunting. I've applied at probably 50 places since last week. My cell phone bill is due tomorrow. My Disneyland Annual Pass is due the 20th (Contract says I can't cancel it until December or I would. Paying it was never an issue until this month). My gym membership (comes out of dad's account, too late to cancel) is also due the 20th. I'm already behind on one credit card. I have another card and the payment is due Friday. And I don't know what to do about it. My dad is threatening to kick me out if I don't pay him $100 by the 15th (rent. And he's serious he says "why should I have to suffer?") Plus, my car is finally coming back Sunday and my dad says that they are transferring it into my name on Monday and I have to find insurance. I had a job that would pay for all of this and then some and I would have no problem with that. And I told him this today. I have no problem paying my own insurance and all that. But, not right now, not when this is completely out of my control.
And then, there's my lack of dating. I literally have never felt more rejected in my life. I'm ready to start again. But, there's nothing there. Like literally, no men pay attention to me. And when they do, literally, they try to get sexual in 4.2 seconds. That's not my thing. Not one bit, not at all. And I'm so sick of my friends telling me "why don't you date?" or "you need to date?" Really? really? Ya think so? What do you think I'm doing?
And friends. I can literally count the friends (not family) who would come running if something happened to me, on one hand. And that sucks. I literally have no one around. The one friend I do have (that lives here), isn't always around when her boyfriend (who I introduced her to!) isn't at Mojave Viper. And even like this weekend, I said lets do something that doesn't involved alcohol. She's like I don't have money for that. So just tell me, you don't want to do anything other than drink. And I'll just skip straight to telling you that I am going to stay home. That's where she is. And that is totally fine with me. I'm not opposed to going out. I'm really not. Just not every single night. Its not where I am. And I would love new friends. I would love to be around people. But, I don't know where to start.
I honestly have never felt so alone, and rejected, and lost in my entire life. And I'm starting to lose it. I seriously want to just vanish. I want to delete my facebook, I want to change my number, I want to move far away. And not tell anyone. Because, moments like this, I feel like no one would notice.
31 May 2010
Catching up
Sorry for the long break in the blogiture. Its been a crazy few weeks with everything thats been going on. I'm gonna try to recap everything for you.
The Navy is paused. I don't really get what's going on there. A few weeks ago I was told that they wanted me to go to MEPS for my migraines. Long story short, they had it wrong and I was supposed to be there for my knee (supposedly). I still don't buy that. I still think it was for my migraines. They closed the issue on my knee the FIRST time I went. So, I'm pretty much convinced that my recruiter is going to screw this up. It wouldn't be the end of the world, I'm not gonna lie. My hearts not completely in it anymore. I mean, I'll go with it if it happens. But, it is what it is. So they sent everything to the naval med bureau or some shit like that. So, we'll see.
I got a new job! It starts tomorrow. I finally gave up on the other one. It was ridiculous. I was over it. I was over the hours, the pay and most of the people. I hate starting new things, though. Because I'm fairly self sufficient. I don't like training new things. I just wanna go in and know what I'm doing and get it done. I guess soon enough I'll know whats up and I won't have to worry.
Amanda was here this weekend! I can't believe that the weekend finally came! I feel like we were waiting forever. And now, I am sad that it is over. But, I have every confidence she will be back :)
Here's some pictures to tie you over till I can write again and write more about the weekend.
The Navy is paused. I don't really get what's going on there. A few weeks ago I was told that they wanted me to go to MEPS for my migraines. Long story short, they had it wrong and I was supposed to be there for my knee (supposedly). I still don't buy that. I still think it was for my migraines. They closed the issue on my knee the FIRST time I went. So, I'm pretty much convinced that my recruiter is going to screw this up. It wouldn't be the end of the world, I'm not gonna lie. My hearts not completely in it anymore. I mean, I'll go with it if it happens. But, it is what it is. So they sent everything to the naval med bureau or some shit like that. So, we'll see.
I got a new job! It starts tomorrow. I finally gave up on the other one. It was ridiculous. I was over it. I was over the hours, the pay and most of the people. I hate starting new things, though. Because I'm fairly self sufficient. I don't like training new things. I just wanna go in and know what I'm doing and get it done. I guess soon enough I'll know whats up and I won't have to worry.
Amanda was here this weekend! I can't believe that the weekend finally came! I feel like we were waiting forever. And now, I am sad that it is over. But, I have every confidence she will be back :)
Here's some pictures to tie you over till I can write again and write more about the weekend.
The group at Shouthouse
That would be my best friend
So hard to keep a straight face
24 May 2010
two/eleven photography
So my best friend (one slice of the pie... or .7853...) is not only an amazing mother. But, she is also an amazing photographer. She wanted to try some new locations (and to be honest, I think she was just itching to shoot! lol) so she forcibly took me out today. She is amazing, I swear I'm not photogenic, and she made me look amazing.
2/11 is her son's birthday. And thus two/eleven photography was born as well. Check her out. If you need anyone, go to her! I promise, its a good plan.
2/11 is her son's birthday. And thus two/eleven photography was born as well. Check her out. If you need anyone, go to her! I promise, its a good plan.
I LOVE this one. She told me to do whatever, "be sexy or something." So this was me pretending I knew what sexy was. And it was just too funny. It makes being 24 look like fun though. And I feel like an adult.
She says she didn't edit my hair. So much more red was left in my hair! I had no idea! And my eyes <3
LOVE
No other description needed
And this one, well its my absolute favorite so far :)
Thank you again Ashley!! I absolutely had a blast with you today. I seriously think that some of these came out this good because you get me so well. You know how to make me laugh.
11 May 2010
Lies...
"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive." -Sir Walter ScottI don't understand why people insist on lying about who they are. I mean, I get that when we do that its because we wanted to impress the person we are lying to. But, here's the thing. When have you ever been able to keep up with that lie? Its impossible. Eventually our true colors show. Someone ends up mad, and it ends poorly. No matter what the situation. We lie to a friend, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a parent, a relative. Whoever it is, whatever the lie, the truth ALWAYS prevails.
Isn't it just easier to tell the truth? So you have two belly buttons. Who cares? Okay, so thats not a normal lie. But, you get the point. No matter what it is, wouldn't it just be easier to tell the truth? Because then its out in the open. And if it's something small (like that belly button thing!) it can be worked through.
But, what happens when it is kept a secret? Let's lose the belly button thing because thats making me weirded out. Let's go with hair color. If I dye my hair blonde, and tell you its my natural hair color, what happens when the truth comes out, a month, 6 months, a year, whatever, down the line. My roots grow out a little too much, I don't have the money to do it. Well now, its been a LIE. Its not just about my hair color anymore. Now its a fight, instead of a talk or a passing comment. See that?
And really, who can keep that all straight? Who you told what, what friends you need to tell the lie to. Who you need to tell people to keep it straight with. And then they have to keep it all straight. Or, you could just tell the truth.
Why make something bigger than it is? Tell it like it is. Personally, I would respond better to the truth. If you hate me, tell me that. If you love me, tell me that. Don't keep it a secret and tell me some other thing. Because, the truth always always always comes out. Because acting, after a while, gets old.
07 May 2010
Mystery of God
God works in the most mysterious ways sometimes. As you can tell, I've been very angry with Chris lately. It's just a lot to get over for me. I'm angry with how it all went down. I'm happy without him, don't get me wrong. But, the anger I have about it, it's incredible.
So, on Sunday at church one of the topics mentioned was divorce. It struck a bit of a chord. And I hated it. So, I put in a prayer request, to get over my anger and to forgive him. I expected a prayer and that was all. God. Works. In. Mysterious. Ways. I got a phone call today. From a man from my church. He said he got my prayer request and was following up and wanted to pray with me. We talked for a minute. I told him how everything was fine, until about the last month of the last deployment, and things got bad and fast. I told him how (I am sure) he cheated on me. And that Chris is a Marine. The man was a Marine for 17 years. And, while his story is not mine to tell, he wants me to sit down with his wife. He feels that she would be a good resource for me to talk with. I can't wait!
God is amazing. He said that Pastor Chico walked in and told him to call #2 on the list to check-up. I was that person. They had no idea, until I talked to him, that Chris was a Marine. They had no idea the circumstances of the divorce. They knew my age, my name and that I am (now) a regular attender of the church. I feel like this whole thing is a blessing. I've never felt more welcome at a church. This is definitely Home.
<3
So, on Sunday at church one of the topics mentioned was divorce. It struck a bit of a chord. And I hated it. So, I put in a prayer request, to get over my anger and to forgive him. I expected a prayer and that was all. God. Works. In. Mysterious. Ways. I got a phone call today. From a man from my church. He said he got my prayer request and was following up and wanted to pray with me. We talked for a minute. I told him how everything was fine, until about the last month of the last deployment, and things got bad and fast. I told him how (I am sure) he cheated on me. And that Chris is a Marine. The man was a Marine for 17 years. And, while his story is not mine to tell, he wants me to sit down with his wife. He feels that she would be a good resource for me to talk with. I can't wait!
God is amazing. He said that Pastor Chico walked in and told him to call #2 on the list to check-up. I was that person. They had no idea, until I talked to him, that Chris was a Marine. They had no idea the circumstances of the divorce. They knew my age, my name and that I am (now) a regular attender of the church. I feel like this whole thing is a blessing. I've never felt more welcome at a church. This is definitely Home.
<3
29 April 2010
I take it back
I take back what I said about him never hurting me. He hurt me. He will forever be hurting me. I'm the kind of girl that things stay with. And as over him as I might be. The pain is still there. I will bring that pain with me the rest of my life. That pain is sometimes to much to bear. I can't handle it. Not right now, not right at this moment. I hate what he did. I hate what I have become. This is not me. I don't run in fear. I run from any semblance of a relationship. But, this knot in my stomach. I HATE HATE HATE when I do this to myself. It's my own fault. I don't have to do these things. But, I continue to. In fact... I just deleted any connection I had to him on facebook. His friends.. deleted. I only had like two left and barely did I even remember that I was friends with them. But, something has popped up. TWICE in fact in the last two days. And it just hurts. I hate this. Hate hate hate hate hate hate it.
So, next time if I say he didn't hurt me, please remind me of this. Please remind me that he took who I was from me.
So, next time if I say he didn't hurt me, please remind me of this. Please remind me that he took who I was from me.
21 April 2010
Do you know, what it feels like?
Yea, I have that song stuck in my head... Thanks Glee. Anyways. I'm a total stream of conscious writer. I write as it comes and it may not always land on the point I meant to make. What I'm about to write, I started last night. It just started as a simple passing thought. And turned into a completely handwritten post before its getting typed. It looses it a bit in the middle because I was falling asleep last night. And so I started again this morning. Stream of conscious.. gone.
There are not a lot of divorced 24 year olds. There are times when I need to be reminded that I am not alone. Unfortunately, in the military community, there are quite a few of us. Often times we got married in a rush. he was deploying, boot camp, some variation of the same story encompasses the lot of us. But, in my real world life, how many of me are there really? I don't know that I can think of one person I went to high school with that is divorced that wasn't military. Scratch that. I've hear of one, but I didn't know them so I don't know if its a true story of the product of still living in this town and word spreading.
Either way, am I alone? Of course, there are always those friends who get it. Those friends who've gotten divorced, and those friends who walked with me and held my hand. Those who cried with me and brought me wine, who got tattoos with me. but, nobody was there. nobody saw the anger in his eyes when we fought. I would NEVER say he hit me or even scared me into thinking he might hurt me. Its not him. Never was, never will be. I'll give him that much credit. The worst violence was the Christmas tree incident, which is actually quite amusing. But, there was anger. And lots of it. And to this day, I'm still not 100% sure why he was so mad. There really was nothing to be so angry at. I could have forgotten, but honestly I don't think so. So to describe my emotions as confused would be an understatement. I still don't fully understand it. But, it is what it is, right?
I've had some issues to say the least since all this happened. I'm not the same girl I was three years ago. but, I'm also not the same person I was 18, 19, 20 months ago- whatever it was. I've tried to date. I have. It usually ends with me feeling totally suffocated to death. I can't stand to be around someone all the time. in fact, I can't deal with someone wanting to be around most of the time. I don't know, maybe its because I was married to an idea, a pen, my email and my cell phone for a grand total of 15 months. I have a different spirit about me now. I was shy and reserved before. Now, I still get that way. Sometimes. But, its not nearly as bad. I'm very animated now. Especially if its something I have a passion for.
But, there's still a piece of me that struggles with the whole concept. And its not a very big piece of me, but its like a splinter. As slight as it may be, its there and I always feel it in one way or another. I could be in the lightest situation and the, seemingly, most simple thing will hit me in the face. And it hurts again, for a few seconds or a few minutes. And then I can go back to my day as if nothing happened. But, I have to wonder if it is going to be like that forever, or is it something that will stick with me. Honestly, I hope it goes away. I want to remember what made me who I am, but I want to do it less painfully . As a result, I don't date. Or as Ashley put it, I date but I say I don't. Okay, in the last 6 months I've been on one date. And even that was like pulling teeth to get me to go. So, while I don't 100% not date, I don't make an effort to date. But, there are those nights (and sometimes days) that I get lonely. We all hae them. Its mostly nights that my phone isn't blowing up, I'm not used to that. I found a quote last night that is perfect "Its often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone." (Marilyn Monroe). And most of the time that's all I want. To have conversation and to know that I am not alone in this world.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and I've never hidden this. But, no ones bothered to ask.
There are not a lot of divorced 24 year olds. There are times when I need to be reminded that I am not alone. Unfortunately, in the military community, there are quite a few of us. Often times we got married in a rush. he was deploying, boot camp, some variation of the same story encompasses the lot of us. But, in my real world life, how many of me are there really? I don't know that I can think of one person I went to high school with that is divorced that wasn't military. Scratch that. I've hear of one, but I didn't know them so I don't know if its a true story of the product of still living in this town and word spreading.
Either way, am I alone? Of course, there are always those friends who get it. Those friends who've gotten divorced, and those friends who walked with me and held my hand. Those who cried with me and brought me wine, who got tattoos with me. but, nobody was there. nobody saw the anger in his eyes when we fought. I would NEVER say he hit me or even scared me into thinking he might hurt me. Its not him. Never was, never will be. I'll give him that much credit. The worst violence was the Christmas tree incident, which is actually quite amusing. But, there was anger. And lots of it. And to this day, I'm still not 100% sure why he was so mad. There really was nothing to be so angry at. I could have forgotten, but honestly I don't think so. So to describe my emotions as confused would be an understatement. I still don't fully understand it. But, it is what it is, right?
I've had some issues to say the least since all this happened. I'm not the same girl I was three years ago. but, I'm also not the same person I was 18, 19, 20 months ago- whatever it was. I've tried to date. I have. It usually ends with me feeling totally suffocated to death. I can't stand to be around someone all the time. in fact, I can't deal with someone wanting to be around most of the time. I don't know, maybe its because I was married to an idea, a pen, my email and my cell phone for a grand total of 15 months. I have a different spirit about me now. I was shy and reserved before. Now, I still get that way. Sometimes. But, its not nearly as bad. I'm very animated now. Especially if its something I have a passion for.
But, there's still a piece of me that struggles with the whole concept. And its not a very big piece of me, but its like a splinter. As slight as it may be, its there and I always feel it in one way or another. I could be in the lightest situation and the, seemingly, most simple thing will hit me in the face. And it hurts again, for a few seconds or a few minutes. And then I can go back to my day as if nothing happened. But, I have to wonder if it is going to be like that forever, or is it something that will stick with me. Honestly, I hope it goes away. I want to remember what made me who I am, but I want to do it less painfully . As a result, I don't date. Or as Ashley put it, I date but I say I don't. Okay, in the last 6 months I've been on one date. And even that was like pulling teeth to get me to go. So, while I don't 100% not date, I don't make an effort to date. But, there are those nights (and sometimes days) that I get lonely. We all hae them. Its mostly nights that my phone isn't blowing up, I'm not used to that. I found a quote last night that is perfect "Its often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone." (Marilyn Monroe). And most of the time that's all I want. To have conversation and to know that I am not alone in this world.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and I've never hidden this. But, no ones bothered to ask.
15 April 2010
Playing Catch Up
Well Hello Bloggers. I've missed you. Its been like 10 days Sad. I'm sorry. Its been busy. And I'm even going to include pictures here! It was worth the wait, wasn't it? I know. I'm worth it. Ha!
So I went to MEPs last Wednesday (April 7th). I know I was worried about making weight. At the time of my last post, what I didn't know was that they also go by BMI. And as far as BMI is concerned I can still get fatter. Haha but, no fear. I have no intention what-so-ever of doing that. Everything went really well. Until, they found out about my migraines. Now, let me clarify something. I get them, sure. However, I hadn't had one for THREE YEARS when I started taking birth control and got the Gardasil shot. My doctor and I have sat down and extensively gone over a plan to control them. And when I got off the birth control. Surprise, they were gone. So, I thought it was a done deal, and that was the end and I wasn't going to get in. But I still have a chance, I have my medical records and I am going to take them to the recruiter next week. So, when I know more, I will share more- like always.
The scary thing, though, was that they told me that they had a job already aside for me and I was leaving in two weeks. Dude, I did NOT approve this. It scared me a little bit.
Last week was Gleek week. I know, we're ridiculous right? Its funny. But, for the first time in as long as I can remember I have been able to be myself. I have made a point to surround myself ONLY with people that I can do just that and feel comfortable. And I'm learning (slowly) to step out of my comfort zone and realize that it is OK to embarrass myself. I've never really been a fan of doing that. But I'm getting there.
So my friends and I (Ashley and Justine) spent all week preparing for the spring premiere of Glee. Ashley made us amazing T-shirts!
Though, of course, my mom wanted to know why I'm the only one in Team Finn. I told her so I didn't have to share him. Duh. Ashley, you did an amazing job! Thank you!
And for posterity,
Little man got in the way taking the picture <3
The three of us together are amazing. There is never a dull moment. Best line of the night? "Want some juice in your juice? I can put my box in a box for you." She claims she was sober... lol
Anyways, thats mostly what's been going on. I know this isn't my best post ever. I'm slightly off my game lately. And I haven't wanted to post what happened at MEPs this week. And I'm finally okay telling the story.
So I went to MEPs last Wednesday (April 7th). I know I was worried about making weight. At the time of my last post, what I didn't know was that they also go by BMI. And as far as BMI is concerned I can still get fatter. Haha but, no fear. I have no intention what-so-ever of doing that. Everything went really well. Until, they found out about my migraines. Now, let me clarify something. I get them, sure. However, I hadn't had one for THREE YEARS when I started taking birth control and got the Gardasil shot. My doctor and I have sat down and extensively gone over a plan to control them. And when I got off the birth control. Surprise, they were gone. So, I thought it was a done deal, and that was the end and I wasn't going to get in. But I still have a chance, I have my medical records and I am going to take them to the recruiter next week. So, when I know more, I will share more- like always.
The scary thing, though, was that they told me that they had a job already aside for me and I was leaving in two weeks. Dude, I did NOT approve this. It scared me a little bit.
Last week was Gleek week. I know, we're ridiculous right? Its funny. But, for the first time in as long as I can remember I have been able to be myself. I have made a point to surround myself ONLY with people that I can do just that and feel comfortable. And I'm learning (slowly) to step out of my comfort zone and realize that it is OK to embarrass myself. I've never really been a fan of doing that. But I'm getting there.
So my friends and I (Ashley and Justine) spent all week preparing for the spring premiere of Glee. Ashley made us amazing T-shirts!
And for posterity,
The three of us together are amazing. There is never a dull moment. Best line of the night? "Want some juice in your juice? I can put my box in a box for you." She claims she was sober... lol
Anyways, thats mostly what's been going on. I know this isn't my best post ever. I'm slightly off my game lately. And I haven't wanted to post what happened at MEPs this week. And I'm finally okay telling the story.
05 April 2010
Worried
I'm a bit worried. I tried to lose 7 pounds, because I have to, and I can't. I tried. And nothing. Crap. Pray that somehow I can still sign on Wednesday or I'm gonna cry.
31 March 2010
Ever stood on the edge of a cliff?
Anticipation is growing. I went in for help on some paper work yesterday. And I was talking to one of the recruiters. And he told me that May is definitely conceivable to leave for boot camp. And it's even more real.
Ever stood on the edge of a cliff? Or even been on a ropes course and done the power pole? Or even, have you ever been on a roller coaster? You know that feeling you get. Right before you are supposed to jump? It's a strange feeling. Knowing that you are okay to jump. If you jump you will come out of it perfectly fine, a little exhilarated, but fine. Like, when you are on a power pole (because I believe it represents the feeling a little better).
Here's a diagram of a power pole, in case you don't know what I mean.
Ever stood on the edge of a cliff? Or even been on a ropes course and done the power pole? Or even, have you ever been on a roller coaster? You know that feeling you get. Right before you are supposed to jump? It's a strange feeling. Knowing that you are okay to jump. If you jump you will come out of it perfectly fine, a little exhilarated, but fine. Like, when you are on a power pole (because I believe it represents the feeling a little better).
Here's a diagram of a power pole, in case you don't know what I mean.
Or Watch Here what its like to jump off a pole. My experience with it is a little different. I've done it twice (or three times?? I don't remember). And its intense. (And I have no idea whose video that is. I just found a relevant one). My personal experience is a little different, we weren't kicking a ball. Rather reaching for a handle bar or steering wheel. Which I actually find more appropriate in this situation.
So what am I getting at? Right now, the things I'm feeling right now are like right before you jump. You KNOW you are gonna be okay. You know there is someone (or in some cases more than one person) on the ground waiting to catch you, on your belay. But, you're afraid. And you have every right to be afraid. You are 30, 40, 60 feet in the air (I think mine were both 30-35ish). And it's not natural. And right now, I need to convince myself to jump.
In other news, PRAISE GOD! My little brother was in a horrific car accident yesterday. He lives in Texas, and he was on a dirt road. And he rolled his truck 3 times. He was fine. Minor concussion. Cuts and bruises. That's all. It still makes me sick to think about. There are so many things that worry me about it. And a piece of me gets sick just thinking about how he was alone, and what was he thinking about. It crushes me to know he was alone. But luckily he has amazing people out there for him. His boss came and got him and took him to the hospital. And he sat in the waiting room the whole time he was there! And then his amazing girlfriend, Emily, was there with him. And helped us handle everything else, after (and get this) Doug went to WORK! I am so so so thankful that he is okay. Words can't even describe how thankful I am. And its incredible that he was fine.
Remember to wear your seatbelt! It saves lives!! I know I'm driving a little bit more careful after seeing that.
29 March 2010
It's in God's hands now
This is not how I intended to write this. When it all happened, I was nervous, terrified actually. Everything is moving much much faster than I expected. I never expected to hear the line "because of your score, you can pretty much choose when you want to leave." My initial thought was, "As long as possible." But, I realize I must face this. Not that anyone is forcing me. I can still back out. But, there is that feeling, that I-need-to-do-this-for-myself feeling. And I know, I must go and I must face this.
A few things have happened. I'm using God's strength to push myself through this. Its as if... as if He is telling me that it will all be okay. It started Sunday. At church they were talking about when you do things, if you do them through God, you won't have fears (and I keep telling that story a little wrong, but you get what I mean). And there was a little comfort there, but I still was nervous.
And then there is the bond between my friends. And a Bible verse left on my facebook: Ecclesiastes 4:12 - Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. And I realize that the friendships that are true will make it through those 9 weeks. And continue on through A-school. And further through any enlistment and deployment and whatever hits us. And those that don't, well they weren't worth it.
And then there was a conversation I had at work today. And Isaiah 41:10- So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. And then, there was comfort. No matter what stupid little fears I have. My personal hygiene (some of y'all know what I'm talking about that I was stressing) or my running shoes, or whatever fear I will have tomorrow. All of those, God will handle them. I'm sure I'll be nervous, and I will fret the little things. But, God will handle it all. And for now, I will live through that. And I will (at least try) to live through Him.
So here's the update. I know many of you have been waiting for it. But, I think God wanted me to calm down a little bit before I wrote it lol. I was way to paranoid before now. And now I am at peace.
I go next week, April 8, down to MEPS. I will get my physical, choose jobs and DEP in. It all sounds so technical. But, as the recruiter put it, I will join the Navy next week. And it was said "because of your score you can pretty much choose when you want to go." I have my heart set on May. Which is probably not a good idea, because I know the military screws people around. But, I feel like May is perfect. Gives me time to process it all. But, at least I won't be sitting on it for like a year. I do NOT need that. I wanna go and be done with it and start my new life.
I'm ready for a new life...
A few things have happened. I'm using God's strength to push myself through this. Its as if... as if He is telling me that it will all be okay. It started Sunday. At church they were talking about when you do things, if you do them through God, you won't have fears (and I keep telling that story a little wrong, but you get what I mean). And there was a little comfort there, but I still was nervous.
And then there is the bond between my friends. And a Bible verse left on my facebook: Ecclesiastes 4:12 - Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. And I realize that the friendships that are true will make it through those 9 weeks. And continue on through A-school. And further through any enlistment and deployment and whatever hits us. And those that don't, well they weren't worth it.
And then there was a conversation I had at work today. And Isaiah 41:10- So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. And then, there was comfort. No matter what stupid little fears I have. My personal hygiene (some of y'all know what I'm talking about that I was stressing) or my running shoes, or whatever fear I will have tomorrow. All of those, God will handle them. I'm sure I'll be nervous, and I will fret the little things. But, God will handle it all. And for now, I will live through that. And I will (at least try) to live through Him.
So here's the update. I know many of you have been waiting for it. But, I think God wanted me to calm down a little bit before I wrote it lol. I was way to paranoid before now. And now I am at peace.
I go next week, April 8, down to MEPS. I will get my physical, choose jobs and DEP in. It all sounds so technical. But, as the recruiter put it, I will join the Navy next week. And it was said "because of your score you can pretty much choose when you want to go." I have my heart set on May. Which is probably not a good idea, because I know the military screws people around. But, I feel like May is perfect. Gives me time to process it all. But, at least I won't be sitting on it for like a year. I do NOT need that. I wanna go and be done with it and start my new life.
I'm ready for a new life...
20 March 2010
Oh! And...
I realize that my mom is my friend on facebook now. And since I post the link everytime I write, I feel I need to write this, because I forsee a lecture coming.
I realize I put a lot of myself out there when I write these. And that puts me at risk, In general it puts me at risk for people knowing all my business. Which they don't actually know. And it just exposes who I am. Its why I write. There are things I want to say to people sometimes, and I can't. And I just express myself better in the form of words.
If you read these posts, then you know me (at least at this point) and you care about me. Or you care about my story. Or you're just nosey. Either way, I realize that I don't have to share. But I want to.
I realize I put a lot of myself out there when I write these. And that puts me at risk, In general it puts me at risk for people knowing all my business. Which they don't actually know. And it just exposes who I am. Its why I write. There are things I want to say to people sometimes, and I can't. And I just express myself better in the form of words.
If you read these posts, then you know me (at least at this point) and you care about me. Or you care about my story. Or you're just nosey. Either way, I realize that I don't have to share. But I want to.
Blogging from bed
The other night, before I went to sleep, I was laying in bed (Sarah's couch) and thoughts were swirling in my head. So, I jotted a few notes into my blackberry. I have a running list of things I want to talk about. But never before have I written something this extensive about what I wanted to write. I hadn't looked at that list until this morning. First, I want to share those notes with you. A sneak peak into my mind if you will. Then, I will elaborate. Well, at least on those things that I remember what they mean.
The notes:
"Blogging from bed... On my cell phone... Happiest I've been. August 3rd, 2008. Chris's last home coming. Next morning. Something wrong. Pill to sleep. Things coming together. Convince myself to leave- harder and harder."
Insane no? My train of thought seems to have been everywhere. And things were shortened that probably shouldn't have been. But here's my attempt.
Well you know the blogging from bed part on my cell phone part.
Lately, this has been the happiest I have been in a long long time. Probably since August 3rd, 2008. That was the day Chris came home. That feeling is one I will never forget. But, I really don't feel like getting into any of that. I think thats what everything until pill to sleep is about.
The people in my life, the relationships I have now, are totally coming together. I don't know if my life has ever had this much... unity. Like everything is where it is supposed to be. And, like I've been saying. Its making it that much harder to convince myself to leave.
Why are things so good? Well, I'm broke. Okay, thats not why things are so good. But, this is the least amount of money I have EVER made in my entire life. Since I started really working at 20 years old (or 19? I don't remember totally). Sad right? Because its the hardest I've worked. But, we take something out of everything we do, no matter how small. And I've taken a work ethic from this. Knowing I have to go to work everyday. There is no option to call in sick.
But thats not the thing that has me so happy with life. Friendships, relationships. I can't explain why these friendships are different. I drive hours to see them each week. And sometimes we don't even do anything. On Tuesday, Justine, Ashley and I just watched American Idol and got music on our ipods and iphone. We were going to make bows. Didn't happen lol. And its comfortable. And its where I belong.
And I have to ask again, how am I going to leave this?
The notes:
"Blogging from bed... On my cell phone... Happiest I've been. August 3rd, 2008. Chris's last home coming. Next morning. Something wrong. Pill to sleep. Things coming together. Convince myself to leave- harder and harder."
Insane no? My train of thought seems to have been everywhere. And things were shortened that probably shouldn't have been. But here's my attempt.
Well you know the blogging from bed part on my cell phone part.
Lately, this has been the happiest I have been in a long long time. Probably since August 3rd, 2008. That was the day Chris came home. That feeling is one I will never forget. But, I really don't feel like getting into any of that. I think thats what everything until pill to sleep is about.
The people in my life, the relationships I have now, are totally coming together. I don't know if my life has ever had this much... unity. Like everything is where it is supposed to be. And, like I've been saying. Its making it that much harder to convince myself to leave.
Why are things so good? Well, I'm broke. Okay, thats not why things are so good. But, this is the least amount of money I have EVER made in my entire life. Since I started really working at 20 years old (or 19? I don't remember totally). Sad right? Because its the hardest I've worked. But, we take something out of everything we do, no matter how small. And I've taken a work ethic from this. Knowing I have to go to work everyday. There is no option to call in sick.
But thats not the thing that has me so happy with life. Friendships, relationships. I can't explain why these friendships are different. I drive hours to see them each week. And sometimes we don't even do anything. On Tuesday, Justine, Ashley and I just watched American Idol and got music on our ipods and iphone. We were going to make bows. Didn't happen lol. And its comfortable. And its where I belong.
And I have to ask again, how am I going to leave this?
13 March 2010
I don't know if I wanna leave now...
I hate when I have a million thoughts floating in my head. Its like I have to get them all down. Unfortunately, the best time for me to think is in the car. And I don't necessarily have a laptop handy to write.
Today was one of those days that I am not ready to leave. In fact, I don't want to leave at all. What if I miss out on things like today. I had fun. And to think, I was dreading it. I almost backed out. But, Ashley's guilty comment of "well its up to you." And Justine telling me that it would, in fact, be the end of the world if I didn't go, convinced me that maybe I should go. I'm glad I did.
I was nervous. But, I feel like those words don't accurately describe it. I was never really popular. I never really had tons of friends. Sure, in high school I was the athlete. And everyone (or most everyone) knew who I was. But deep down, I have always had feelings of inadequacy. I think it stems from Junior High. There... ha! There I was the furthest thing from popular. I believe outcast would be the correct term for what I was. And you girls who were my friends, don't deny what we were back then. I was a social misfit, to say the least. I was never good enough. And the feeling has always kind of stayed with me. I hate meeting new people. Not because I don't like them, but because what if they don't like me? That is something that will stay with me in the back of my head forever. And it wasn't until I talked with the author of Hurry Up and Wait, that I realized I may not be alone in this fear. I haven't fully talked to her about the deep down reasons. But, I do know that I'm not alone in being afraid to meet new people. And I trust her with this info about me.
If it weren't for friends like Ashley and Justine today that I would have 1. been totally awkward and 2. I would want to leave right away. But, how do I convince myself today that it is a good idea to leave, when I feel like I actually have people who are true friends?
Today was one of those days that I am not ready to leave. In fact, I don't want to leave at all. What if I miss out on things like today. I had fun. And to think, I was dreading it. I almost backed out. But, Ashley's guilty comment of "well its up to you." And Justine telling me that it would, in fact, be the end of the world if I didn't go, convinced me that maybe I should go. I'm glad I did.
I was nervous. But, I feel like those words don't accurately describe it. I was never really popular. I never really had tons of friends. Sure, in high school I was the athlete. And everyone (or most everyone) knew who I was. But deep down, I have always had feelings of inadequacy. I think it stems from Junior High. There... ha! There I was the furthest thing from popular. I believe outcast would be the correct term for what I was. And you girls who were my friends, don't deny what we were back then. I was a social misfit, to say the least. I was never good enough. And the feeling has always kind of stayed with me. I hate meeting new people. Not because I don't like them, but because what if they don't like me? That is something that will stay with me in the back of my head forever. And it wasn't until I talked with the author of Hurry Up and Wait, that I realized I may not be alone in this fear. I haven't fully talked to her about the deep down reasons. But, I do know that I'm not alone in being afraid to meet new people. And I trust her with this info about me.
If it weren't for friends like Ashley and Justine today that I would have 1. been totally awkward and 2. I would want to leave right away. But, how do I convince myself today that it is a good idea to leave, when I feel like I actually have people who are true friends?
10 March 2010
Rest In Peace Girls
Its been a rough 15 minutes for Escondido. Amber DuBois went missing February 13, 2009. There was not a single trace of evidence. No one knew what happened. That was the scary part. It was as though someone knew. Had she walked 200 yards more, she would have been in sight of the security cameras at the high school (the same ones that were installed when i was in high school). There were all out searches, there were fundraisers, everything imaginable. But, yet nothing. February 13, 2010 came and went and there was still no more info.
And then, Chelsea King disappeared. It was all to similar. A teenage girl in San Diego disappears. And we have no info. And they looked slightly similar. Sadly, they found her body, I believe, a little less than a week after she vanished. But, they arrested someone before they found her.
This all lead to a break in Amber's case. No one will tell us who they got a tip from, but the police got a tip. And then, sadly, heartbreakingly, they found Amber's body this past Saturday. It's gut wrenching to even think about. But, Escondido police have said that they are looking into the same person that killed Chelsea.
I hate this. I'm sure everyone here does. We hate that ONE man has been able to tear our community apart in such a way. Women here are being very careful around here. Most of us have gotten pepper spray. We spend the time being very aware of where we are. I hate that these little girls had to suffer. This man is disgusting. And I hate him.
Rest in Peace Girls.
And then, Chelsea King disappeared. It was all to similar. A teenage girl in San Diego disappears. And we have no info. And they looked slightly similar. Sadly, they found her body, I believe, a little less than a week after she vanished. But, they arrested someone before they found her.
This all lead to a break in Amber's case. No one will tell us who they got a tip from, but the police got a tip. And then, sadly, heartbreakingly, they found Amber's body this past Saturday. It's gut wrenching to even think about. But, Escondido police have said that they are looking into the same person that killed Chelsea.
I hate this. I'm sure everyone here does. We hate that ONE man has been able to tear our community apart in such a way. Women here are being very careful around here. Most of us have gotten pepper spray. We spend the time being very aware of where we are. I hate that these little girls had to suffer. This man is disgusting. And I hate him.
Rest in Peace Girls.
25 February 2010
Identity Crisis.
It's more than just who are you. I have two names. My maiden name, and my married name. I would have changed back to my maiden name. But, for some reason still unknown to me, the little box wasn't marked on the divorce papers. So, I am stuck. I tried to change it back. But, the court informed me that I would have to file a response. Just. To. Check. One. Box. And that response, it would cost me over $300 to file. Again. Just. To. Check. One. Box.
There are moments when I wonder, did he do this on purpose? Did someone tell him this would happen? I like to believe the best in people. That maybe he really was just an idiot. But, then looking at his track record, he had to have done it on purpose. Right?
So I'm left. Wondering who I am. Legally, I have my married name (my superhero name if you will lol). Otherwise, I have my maiden name. But what do I go by? I have no idea. I try to go by my maiden name. My facebook is under that name (well both really, but the main one is my maiden name). My friends refer to me by my maiden name. It's in their phones under that. The other day I was talking to Ashley and I used my married name, and she asked why I did that lol.
When I join the Navy though, it has to be my married name. Because, legally, thats who I am. So, will I fall to that identity? Will my maiden name just vanish, into an after thought? I hope not, because there is this part of me that feels like I would be being disrespectful to my parents. Like, I care more about Chris than I do them. Which couldn't be further from the truth. But, its a legitimate fear right?
So I guess in a way, this name crisis makes me wonder who I really am. It reflects the fact that everything I thought I was, may in fact be wrong. Maybe one day I will find it out. But I fear the fact that its a name thing means I won't find my identity unless I find a man and take his name. And, that is not something I want. At all. I want my identity to be me. NOT a man.
There are moments when I wonder, did he do this on purpose? Did someone tell him this would happen? I like to believe the best in people. That maybe he really was just an idiot. But, then looking at his track record, he had to have done it on purpose. Right?
So I'm left. Wondering who I am. Legally, I have my married name (my superhero name if you will lol). Otherwise, I have my maiden name. But what do I go by? I have no idea. I try to go by my maiden name. My facebook is under that name (well both really, but the main one is my maiden name). My friends refer to me by my maiden name. It's in their phones under that. The other day I was talking to Ashley and I used my married name, and she asked why I did that lol.
When I join the Navy though, it has to be my married name. Because, legally, thats who I am. So, will I fall to that identity? Will my maiden name just vanish, into an after thought? I hope not, because there is this part of me that feels like I would be being disrespectful to my parents. Like, I care more about Chris than I do them. Which couldn't be further from the truth. But, its a legitimate fear right?
So I guess in a way, this name crisis makes me wonder who I really am. It reflects the fact that everything I thought I was, may in fact be wrong. Maybe one day I will find it out. But I fear the fact that its a name thing means I won't find my identity unless I find a man and take his name. And, that is not something I want. At all. I want my identity to be me. NOT a man.
24 February 2010
"The Pursuit of Happyness"
Sometimes I wish my life was followed by a video camera. It's not that I think my life is fabulous. Just sometimes things crack me up. And I wish I could share but, it just won't be as funny to you.
So I turned in all my medical stuff to the recruiter yesterday. Its real now guys. I go down in a few weeks to get my physical and its all downhill from there. For those of you who are asking, I still don't have anything in the way of dates. But I promise, from the moment I find anything out, y'all will know.
I'm really excited to go though. Not that I want to leave my best friends. Not in any way shape or form. But, I am excited to do something for myself. I've been doing a whole lot of nothing for a long time. Yea, I've had this job for two years. But, its really not doing anything in the way of me going somewhere in life. I will miss my job and the people (some of the people lol) there. But, I realize that this is a step I need to take for me. And more than ever I am number one to me. I need to stop thinking of others and finally do something for me.
I spent too long playing wife and making my life all about him. It really got me nowhere in life. So I was talking to my mom the other day. And, I'm never gonna be happy unless I am happy with myself first. And that is why I am doing this. So I can stop worrying about making other people happy. And make me happy.
So I turned in all my medical stuff to the recruiter yesterday. Its real now guys. I go down in a few weeks to get my physical and its all downhill from there. For those of you who are asking, I still don't have anything in the way of dates. But I promise, from the moment I find anything out, y'all will know.
I'm really excited to go though. Not that I want to leave my best friends. Not in any way shape or form. But, I am excited to do something for myself. I've been doing a whole lot of nothing for a long time. Yea, I've had this job for two years. But, its really not doing anything in the way of me going somewhere in life. I will miss my job and the people (some of the people lol) there. But, I realize that this is a step I need to take for me. And more than ever I am number one to me. I need to stop thinking of others and finally do something for me.
I spent too long playing wife and making my life all about him. It really got me nowhere in life. So I was talking to my mom the other day. And, I'm never gonna be happy unless I am happy with myself first. And that is why I am doing this. So I can stop worrying about making other people happy. And make me happy.
17 February 2010
Olympic Thoughts
I'm not a list maker. I never was. I've tried. I usually give up. So needless to say, I don't have a bucket list. Though, I want one. I added something to my imaginative bucket list today. I want to go to the Olympics one day. Not participate. That ship has long since sailed. But I want to watch. One event. Doesn't matter what event. But something. I'd prefer it to be something I am interested in. Snowboarding maybe? Gymnastics? Doesn't matter much. I just want to be there, to know what its like.
I've been addicted to the Olympics this year. I've never really been this addicted before. I've watched them. But I record them every time they are on. I can't miss it. I realized, this year, that I really love the Olympics. I love the Olympic spirit. I was watching an event (cross country skiing maybe?) and the woman who came in like 60th or something way in the back. The announcers were so gracious. They were saying every nice thing in the world. Not once did they "oh she blew it" or "her technique is so off." They kept saying how she trained and how in Brazil she is the first woman to compete in cross country skiing. And it was so heart warming to hear them say.
That's not to say I haven't heard things that have made me cringe. I was watching men's ice skating today and an American man missed a triple something or other and did a single instead. And then instead of a quadruple something else he doubled it. After that the announcers said "he's done." Ouch. Because if I was him and I watched the playback, thats EXACTLY what I would want to hear. Right. And then waiting for his score to have them say he blew it. I do not want to be that man watching the playback tonight.
But, I'm not looking forward to the Olympics being of the air in the next like week and a half or so. I don't know what I am going to do with my spare time.
I've been addicted to the Olympics this year. I've never really been this addicted before. I've watched them. But I record them every time they are on. I can't miss it. I realized, this year, that I really love the Olympics. I love the Olympic spirit. I was watching an event (cross country skiing maybe?) and the woman who came in like 60th or something way in the back. The announcers were so gracious. They were saying every nice thing in the world. Not once did they "oh she blew it" or "her technique is so off." They kept saying how she trained and how in Brazil she is the first woman to compete in cross country skiing. And it was so heart warming to hear them say.
That's not to say I haven't heard things that have made me cringe. I was watching men's ice skating today and an American man missed a triple something or other and did a single instead. And then instead of a quadruple something else he doubled it. After that the announcers said "he's done." Ouch. Because if I was him and I watched the playback, thats EXACTLY what I would want to hear. Right. And then waiting for his score to have them say he blew it. I do not want to be that man watching the playback tonight.
But, I'm not looking forward to the Olympics being of the air in the next like week and a half or so. I don't know what I am going to do with my spare time.
11 February 2010
Facebook Rant.. Part 2
Anyone get the new facebook homepage. I think by now you all probably have. If my dad has, then you have. I've come to terms with the fact that facebook can't keep things the way they are and every couple months (like 14ish?) they roll out a new look. And thats fine. Some change is inevitable. I've even come to terms with the fact that this "simplified" home page is anything but. What was the point in putting the chat list off to the left like that? And our book marked apps? Also, I don't like that notifications pop up on the bottom left. Why? Was that necessary? And they flipped where the home button was. Again, why? Is this some feng shui for webpages? Is it for some positive qi (thank you wikipedia for that word!)? If that's the case, where can I find the books on this? What's that? You don't think there are any written? Brilliant! There's my money making scheme, feng shi a la facebook (and yes I realize I just combined Chinese and French, its my blog I'll do it if I please)! Oh what's that? You don't like the new facebook. Crap. Well I never liked Mrs. Harper down the streets decorating, but it was done according to feng shui.. huh?
But, here's the real issue I have with the new facebook. They came out with this new layout prematurely. It's not running well. The News Feed chooses a random group of friends (I think it was 25? or 250?... either way) and it only shows that. And if I didn't have the wonderful ladies of CW I wouldn't have any idea how to rectify that (you go to the bottom of the feed, click options and change whatever number is there to like 5000 and it will put everyone that you have). And I am so over constantly getting the "oops something went wrong.. we're working on fixing it" pop-up. I'm not kidding. This morning I put my computer away because I was so frustrated with it. I can't get anything done. I was trying to look at someone's new profile picture. But, they couldn't do it because I kept getting that pop-up. Tonight, I was trying to look at someone's new photo album they posted, and I couldn't because nothing would load. I don't understand how they can just roll out this new thing before they have it in full working order.
I mean, I understand some glitches. Its bound to happen, we're all human. But, for it to be going this wrong makes me think if the facebook developers are getting lazy?
Oh and I tried to find a way to contact them about this mess... yea the "contact us" button, it doesn't exist. And check your privacy settings, mine went ten different kinds of wonky after this change....
<3
But, here's the real issue I have with the new facebook. They came out with this new layout prematurely. It's not running well. The News Feed chooses a random group of friends (I think it was 25? or 250?... either way) and it only shows that. And if I didn't have the wonderful ladies of CW I wouldn't have any idea how to rectify that (you go to the bottom of the feed, click options and change whatever number is there to like 5000 and it will put everyone that you have). And I am so over constantly getting the "oops something went wrong.. we're working on fixing it" pop-up. I'm not kidding. This morning I put my computer away because I was so frustrated with it. I can't get anything done. I was trying to look at someone's new profile picture. But, they couldn't do it because I kept getting that pop-up. Tonight, I was trying to look at someone's new photo album they posted, and I couldn't because nothing would load. I don't understand how they can just roll out this new thing before they have it in full working order.
I mean, I understand some glitches. Its bound to happen, we're all human. But, for it to be going this wrong makes me think if the facebook developers are getting lazy?
Oh and I tried to find a way to contact them about this mess... yea the "contact us" button, it doesn't exist. And check your privacy settings, mine went ten different kinds of wonky after this change....
<3
10 February 2010
Darn Sinuses...
I've been sick all week. How much does that suck? I haven't been to work since Sunday. In fact, this morning was the first time I really left the house since I got home from work Sunday. I've been stuck on the couch. It turns out I have a sinus infection. Sounds easy to know if you have. But this is the first time in forever that I haven't known what I had.
Luckily I've had some amazingness to watch while I've been out. I've watched two seasons worth of The Big Bang Theory. If you haven't seen this show, you are missing out. It is probably one of the funniest shows I have ever watched. I definitely recommend it. I would write a little more on it, but I need to lay down lol. I'll write more on that later...
Luckily I've had some amazingness to watch while I've been out. I've watched two seasons worth of The Big Bang Theory. If you haven't seen this show, you are missing out. It is probably one of the funniest shows I have ever watched. I definitely recommend it. I would write a little more on it, but I need to lay down lol. I'll write more on that later...
08 February 2010
Facebook Rant...
I've seen this rant before. I think it was on Ashley Unscripted. But its driving me bat shit crazy now.
All those copy/paste things that I've been seeing around are getting annoying. 'Copy/Paste this if you love your mom!' My mom knows I love her. My mother is one of my best friends. And oh yea, she doesn't even have facebook, so what's the point in that? 'Copy/Paste this if you have an amazing hubby that will do anything for you!' Um thank for rubbing it in fuckers. That one bugs me the most. I don't have a hubby or husband or anything of the sort. So rubbing yours in my face? Yea thats pretty shitty.
The latest one that I saw 'For valentines day change your default to a picture of you and your significant other and say how long you've been together.' Really? Because I don't hate valentines enough. Now you wanna force me to remember that its coming up. Awesoooome. Not.
I guess I just don't see the point in these things. To broadcast to the world what we have? Isn't that a sign of feeling inferior to others? Isn't it just enough to know what you have? Or is it completely necessary to rub it in peoples faces that you may or may not have something more/ better than them?
All those copy/paste things that I've been seeing around are getting annoying. 'Copy/Paste this if you love your mom!' My mom knows I love her. My mother is one of my best friends. And oh yea, she doesn't even have facebook, so what's the point in that? 'Copy/Paste this if you have an amazing hubby that will do anything for you!' Um thank for rubbing it in fuckers. That one bugs me the most. I don't have a hubby or husband or anything of the sort. So rubbing yours in my face? Yea thats pretty shitty.
The latest one that I saw 'For valentines day change your default to a picture of you and your significant other and say how long you've been together.' Really? Because I don't hate valentines enough. Now you wanna force me to remember that its coming up. Awesoooome. Not.
I guess I just don't see the point in these things. To broadcast to the world what we have? Isn't that a sign of feeling inferior to others? Isn't it just enough to know what you have? Or is it completely necessary to rub it in peoples faces that you may or may not have something more/ better than them?
02 February 2010
Pretty BA if you ask me
I took my asvab today. I'm not gonna lie, I feel pretty BA today. But, I didn't at first. I was stressed, I was bitchy (okay suuuper bitchy). Then when I got the score, I wasn't thrilled. I got a 91 on my pre-test. So, being me, I wanted and even planned on getting a better score. So I was a little disappointed in my 88.
I started feeling a little better when he told me it was good. Still not better. When the other girl with me told me she also got an 88. Still not great, but better. When they told me I missed the nuclear engineering score by just 15 points. Okay, we're getting there. When Justine said it was BA. That's when I started feeling amazing.
I have a few issues to deal with before it can go further. But there's a good chance that I am going... eek!
I started feeling a little better when he told me it was good. Still not better. When the other girl with me told me she also got an 88. Still not great, but better. When they told me I missed the nuclear engineering score by just 15 points. Okay, we're getting there. When Justine said it was BA. That's when I started feeling amazing.
I have a few issues to deal with before it can go further. But there's a good chance that I am going... eek!
31 January 2010
Humble Pie
I don't like arrogance in people. At all. It is attractive on no one. Be Humble.
Psalms 149:4
For the LORD takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation.
For the LORD takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation.
I'm watching the grammys. And the Black Eyed Peas are on. And while I like their music (and perhaps the fact that one of them finally stood up to Perez!) They are very arrogant. And it just makes me like them a lot lot less.
Along the same lines of being humble, sometimes when there are things in your life that you can't control, you just need to take a step back and give it back to God. He knows what He is doing. He has a plan. I know sometimes we want to take control of our lives. But, its not our lives to control. And we need to remember that.
The changes I was speaking of, have fallen through. I'm a little bummed, but I know He has a plan for me.And I think he has other things in the works for me and my life. I'm taking my ASVAB on Tuesday afternoon. Right? Raise your hand if your shocked! *raises hand* Never thought that would happen. I always thought about it, but to actually be doing it?? Shocking to say the least. I'm nervous at the thought. Because really, huge changes could be in store. Am I ready? Like really ready? Only time will tell. And I know that God has a plan for me.
They did tell me, I need to lose weight. Okay they didn't tell me. But they said as far as the weight chart goes, I'm like 7 pounds over. Harsh no? Its kind of embarrassing to have 3 guys in an office discussing your weight :( Its good motivation. This weekend I've ran almost 6 miles. Which isn't a lot. But, when you take someone who really wasn't exercising, it is a lot.
I'll let you know how everything works out.
25 January 2010
Uncharted Territory
On the positivity front. I've been in a good mood all day. I actually got a text message from a lovely co-worker (as I do every morning lol) that said something like "I don't wanna get up." To be honest, I didn't either. I don't like 5 am. And I haven't for the last 2 years. For whatever reason all I said was "I'm trying to sleep." Meaning that I want to sleep. I just know I can't haha.
I have an amazing helper to get through this. Ashley is doing this with me. Its something we both need. But as Sarah Buxton put it
"still need stars when youre wishin at night
A best friend to set you right, a good laugh, a warm bath
And a beautiful song you can sing along to
Good news thatll make you cry
All the little things that money cant buy"
I have an amazing helper to get through this. Ashley is doing this with me. Its something we both need. But as Sarah Buxton put it
"still need stars when youre wishin at night
A best friend to set you right, a good laugh, a warm bath
And a beautiful song you can sing along to
Good news thatll make you cry
All the little things that money cant buy"
Its an amazing pick me up to just listen to that song.
In other news, I borrowed Dear John from my Aunt today. I also finished Dear John today. It was good. I couldn't put it down. I was totally intrigued to see how it turned out. And then, I threw the book. I won't give it away, because it is about to come out in theaters (Feb 5th). But, lets just say I haaaattttteeeeedddd one specific part of the book. And even though it would ruin it, I hope that part changes.
I've never finished an entire book in a day. Something else that is totally new to me this week :)
24 January 2010
Power of Positive Thinking
They say that positivity can change things. I'm out to see the truth in that. I've set a goal for myself. I do not want to be negative all week. At first thought, you would think ohh thats easy. But then think about it, how often do you get mad at a driver on the road, or annoyed when a person walking in front of you is going slow. How often do you just get irritated when you don't have the right ingredient for dinner in your house? I definitely plan on reporting back and seeing how each day goes. We shall see....
23 January 2010
Rain!
It must be time to build an ark and gather the animals two by two. Or wait, I think we're too late once the rain has started to come. It has been insane in California this week. At final count, according to our backyard rain gauge, there was a little above 6 inches of rain. In a week. In California. That's a lot. Most Californians don't know what to do in the rain. Its comical. At work, on Thursday, we had what can only be described as a small lake out front. Our entertainment for the day was watching patients arrive and try to figure out how to not step in the puddle (hint: it was next to impossible). I was waiting for someone to slide down the hood of their car. It didn't happen, at least not while I was there.
The rain started on Saturday and went through the week. I saw the last of the showers last night around 11 or 12. That's 6 days of rain. And I'm okay with that. I could actually stand for it to rain another week or so. Some of the winds were pretty intense too. Usually about 45-50 mph. One night, the news said someone reported a gust at 86 mph!! Thats a little crazy, especially for California. The wind actually got the best of us. And we ended up with a tree in our backyard:
But, we have amazing neighbors, and the moment the rain stopped they had a tree cutting company out. They weren't able to do it today, as you can imagine there are trees down all over the city. But they were on it so fast. It was really kind of nice.
I also caught the flu this week. It wasn't really a bad week to get sick thought. And, thankfully, it wasn't too bad. I slept for like two days though. Cabin fever got the best of me. So on Wednesday night, Melissa and I went down to the beach. It was crazy 20-25ft waves. We went into a parking lot right on the beach. In 10 minutes it was flooded. I couldn't see in front of me driving home. But, in my defense it wasn't raining at all when we left the house.
The rain started on Saturday and went through the week. I saw the last of the showers last night around 11 or 12. That's 6 days of rain. And I'm okay with that. I could actually stand for it to rain another week or so. Some of the winds were pretty intense too. Usually about 45-50 mph. One night, the news said someone reported a gust at 86 mph!! Thats a little crazy, especially for California. The wind actually got the best of us. And we ended up with a tree in our backyard:
I also caught the flu this week. It wasn't really a bad week to get sick thought. And, thankfully, it wasn't too bad. I slept for like two days though. Cabin fever got the best of me. So on Wednesday night, Melissa and I went down to the beach. It was crazy 20-25ft waves. We went into a parking lot right on the beach. In 10 minutes it was flooded. I couldn't see in front of me driving home. But, in my defense it wasn't raining at all when we left the house.
16 January 2010
Ch- Ch- Ch- Changes!
Huge changes in store for my life. I don't want to share exactly what, because its not for sure yet. I don't even know how possible it is. I've taken baby steps towards the ultimate goal. I'm very excited to even have this be a possibility. Its kind of like, I didn't totally screw up my life. Any prayers, good thoughts, whatever it is that you do, would be wonderful. But of course, I only wish for prayers for God's will and not mine.
I visited S on Thursday night. I fell in love with Pomona. Its such a cute little town. We went to Claremont for dinner and drinks. Strongest. Margarita. Ever. I don't know how I made it through the first one, honestly. And yes, I said first one. There were two. I figured, might as well. The Patron only burns for so long. But aside from the drinking, its really nice to be able to just get away, even for literally 12 hours. Sometimes, I just need a break. I'm around my parents always, and I love them, it just becomes too much after a while. I drove up there Thursday night and got there about 830 and I left Friday at 9 am. It was so fun.
I visited S on Thursday night. I fell in love with Pomona. Its such a cute little town. We went to Claremont for dinner and drinks. Strongest. Margarita. Ever. I don't know how I made it through the first one, honestly. And yes, I said first one. There were two. I figured, might as well. The Patron only burns for so long. But aside from the drinking, its really nice to be able to just get away, even for literally 12 hours. Sometimes, I just need a break. I'm around my parents always, and I love them, it just becomes too much after a while. I drove up there Thursday night and got there about 830 and I left Friday at 9 am. It was so fun.
13 January 2010
3 Years ago- Why I hate January 13th
3 years ago was a huge day in my life. I got married. For, what is apparently, the first time. I despise today. And I will. Forever. Okay, at least until I am happy and in a steady relationship. Or, at least, just for this year I'll hate it.
But, I'm different. I'm totally different. I'm a new person. I know who that person is this time. I'm a little country girl. I am. I know that sounds weird, from a girl from Cali. But, its the truth. Its when I'm happiest. I want to move to Texas. I want to live in a small town. I want to do me. And that's what I am doing. I am doing me.
I have more fun. I don't sit around anymore. That's all I did. It was boring. I'm a much better person because of this. And I will take it :)
11 January 2010
Hi :-)
If you're reading this, then you know me. At least, at the time of this post you do. I hope to get more readers who don't know me. But, there's never any guarantees.
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