20 March 2010

Blogging from bed

The other night, before I went to sleep, I was laying in bed (Sarah's couch) and thoughts were swirling in my head. So, I jotted a few notes into my blackberry. I have a running list of things I want to talk about. But never before have I written something this extensive about what I wanted to write. I hadn't looked at that list until this morning. First, I want to share those notes with you. A sneak peak into my mind if you will. Then, I will elaborate. Well, at least on those things that I remember what they mean.

The notes:
"Blogging from bed... On my cell phone... Happiest I've been. August 3rd, 2008. Chris's last home coming. Next morning. Something wrong. Pill to sleep. Things coming together. Convince myself to leave- harder and harder."

Insane no? My train of thought seems to have been everywhere. And things were shortened that probably shouldn't have been. But here's my attempt.

Well you know the blogging from bed part on my cell phone part.

Lately, this has been the happiest I have been in a long long time. Probably since August 3rd, 2008. That was the day Chris came home. That feeling is one I will never forget. But, I really don't feel like getting into any of that. I think thats what everything until pill to sleep is about.

The people in my life, the relationships I have now, are totally coming together. I don't know if my life has ever had this much... unity. Like everything is where it is supposed to be. And, like I've been saying. Its making it that much harder to convince myself to leave.

Why are things so good? Well, I'm broke. Okay, thats not why things are so good. But, this is the least amount of money I have EVER made in my entire life. Since I started really working at 20 years old (or 19? I don't remember totally). Sad right? Because its the hardest I've worked. But, we take something out of everything we do, no matter how small.  And I've taken a work ethic from this. Knowing I have to go to work everyday. There is no option to call in sick.

But thats not the thing that has me so happy with life. Friendships, relationships. I can't explain why these friendships are different. I drive hours to see them each week. And sometimes we don't even do anything. On Tuesday, Justine, Ashley and I just watched American Idol and got music on our ipods and iphone. We were going to make bows. Didn't happen lol. And its comfortable. And its where I belong.

And I have to ask again, how am I going to leave this?

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