23 December 2011

On why I love Hunger Games- rather my obsession with the Hunger Games series

One thing I tried to do more of this semester was read. I hadn't done any actual personal reading in a long time. I have found that as we grow up, and as we get busier, adults don't have the time to read. For me, it was trying to find the time between school and work and any amount of a social life. It was nearly impossible.
This summer we went to Texas to visit my brother and his girlfriend. On the trip, there wasn't much to do other than read. I read something like 3 books throughout the week. I read so much that I had to download the Kindle app on my phone, because I ran out of books.
At first, nothing was mind-blowingly amazing. And then there was the Hunger Games series. Justine had been bugging me to read them, but I had so many other books that I wanted to read, and I was afraid I wouldn't like them. She finally convinced me, and the first book was like $6 on the Kindle- I couldn't pass up that deal.
I don't read very quickly; I never have. At that point, I was forcing myself to read at least one chapter of whatever book I was reading per night. I needed a way to turn my brain off and just relax. It took less than a week to read the first book (that is good when you're usually only devoting an hour to reading every night). It's one of those series where you have to start the next book right away; so I did. In the end, I read the series in about two and a half weeks. I read the third book in about two days. It was an accident. I had read about 30 percent, and then I sat down to read and next thing I knew- it was done!
I've read the series twice, and each time I finish I have this moment of, "what now?" I get so incredibly lost when I finish; not to mention the emotional destruction the book causes (yes, it is the book's fault).
I've recommended the series to so many people, and I have yet to find someone who didn't like it. The movie comes out in March. In fact, the movie comes out three months from today. I don't have that kind of patience. I want to see it now. One song came out from the soundtrack today. I about died. Literally, It was the most incredible thing I've heard. It's actually probably not even that good, but the Hunger Games association makes it 100000x greater.
I would love to go into all the intricacies of the book; I have found so many, but I don't want to give anything away. Maybe when I read the book again I will keep a whole blog series on it (ohh that might actually be a really good idea). I have to finish the Harry Potter series first, though. I've never read it before. I know, I know. I just never cared to read them until recently. I'm almost done, though. I might read Hunger Games again next. I just can't help myself.

17 December 2011

Look who's back!

Wow! It has been quite a while since I have had time to do any amount of personal writing. I write so much for the paper, and design so much, and edit so much, that when I get home I have no desire to write for myself. Plus, most of the time my life isn't that exciting that it needs to be put on the Internet for everyone to see (can I mention how much I loathe the fact that AP Style says that Internet be capitalized? What kind of shit is that??).

The semester is over- finally! I feel like this whole semester went so slow, and yet so fast at the same time. It was a whirlwind of hard work, and I hope it paid off. I mean, I'm certain it did. The paper this semester was a whole new experience for me. Instead of just being a lab writer and taking random stories, I started the semester as a page designer for the opinion section. At some point things got twisted and I was taking on more work than was actually necessary, and the editor wasn't communicating with me what he wanted on the page. So, thanks to some awesome people (read- David) a discussion was had and I walked into the newsroom a few days later and became the opinion editor.
I know what you're thinking- I don't want to be an opinion writer. I mean, sure I can write opinion well. At least, I can write it well now. It's just not my thing. I want to write sports. I grew up playing sports. I grew up around sports. It's what I love.
Actually, though, I became really good friends with our sports editor. I just happened to grab the computer next to her on the first night of production, and it just stuck. Throughout the semester we discovered how much we truly had in common. The biggest thing for me was that she is a Christian. Her faith goes beyond what I have imagined to find within my chosen industry. I knew going into the media that it is, in fact, a very liberal industry. I have worried about that so much. I realize that not believing in God does not necessitate a liberal bias, but for some reason I have always made that connection in my head. I know I am strong enough in my own faith that I can handle the naysayers. I just didn't want to go into a newsroom full of people who were going to attack me from every direction. Finding someone with very similar life goals to mine who also has a very strong faith is exactly what I prayed for, and He obviously saw the need.
Remember that conference I posted about a few months ago? I went to the SoCal conference this past October. That could have been an entire post all on its own. Suffice it to say, I am the number 2 copy editor in SoCal (Please don't judge anything I do on here as being worthy of that. My personal writing has a very different tone to it than my professional writing).
I'm getting ready to apply to UT Arlington. I want my grades to be posted before I do that. There are a few other schools that I may consider, but I do want to go to Texas. I need to get out of California. There isn't much here for me anymore. I've been in a bit of a rut for a while now. It's getting a little better, but I spent the bulk of my semester locked up in my house, or at work, or at school. My social life was abysmal. I think my parents were actually getting worried about how little I actually went out. I didn't even get to see my best friends as much as I would have liked to see them. Actually, as I think about it, I didn't do anything this semester. That's probably not a good thing. I have every intention of working on it, even though next semester is going to be very intense.
I did go to some incredible concerts throughout the summer and this fall. I saw Miranda Lambert thanks to my amazing grandma who knows how much I adore country, and Ashley and Jeremy went with us. I went to a few more with those two as well: Eric Church, Toby Keith, Tim McGraw, Luke Bryan, and a one day festival that featured Montgomery Gentry. I also saw Gary Allan and went to a private concert thanks to my mom. I went to Taylor Swift with Ashley... that is a story in-and-of itself. We won't be reliving it, because I don't need to incriminate myself further.
Sorry, that was quite the mundane list. And this was quite the mundane post. I should really try to get back into this thing...

09 June 2011


You can now access my blog on your phone! Yup, blogger added another new feature and it makes it easier to be viewed on a smart phone.

The never ending name saga is OVER! I am no longer in an identity crisis and officially have my maiden name back :) It was such a drama to get it switched back. But, I got it done for free (minus the pesky DMV fee for my license).

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I have a friend, I'll call her K (I don't want to divulge her name, her story is not mine to tell), we have been friends for almost 10 years now. She has been there through everything. And when I say everything, I literally mean everything I have ever gone through in my life, she has stood there by my side never faltering.
When I was in the beginning stages of my divorce we went and got matching tattoos. I always said that I would never get a tattoo of someone's name, and I thought matching tattoos were creepy. But this was something important to me. I absolutely make sure my tattoos mean something to me- they're permanent. We have two hearts intertwined, one is teal and the other is black (colors we chose with no reason other than we liked them). Every time I look at it I remember that no matter what, our hearts are connected.
Anyways, K is going though a break up that is something awful. I've been hearing her say things that I remember saying at the beginning of my divorce. I remember feeling so broken and miserable that just getting through the morning took more effort than I had.
I've been trying to be there for her, as much as our schedules permit. And sometimes, I just don't have the words. And it occurred to me that I don't have to have the words. I don't remember a single word that was said to me when I was trying to deal with the shock, the stress, the pain, and just everything. But, what I do remember who was there for me. I don't mean the people who said "Oh I'm here if you need anything." As much as I appreciated it at the time, who of them really was there? The people I remember are the people who got tattoos with me, that met me in the driveway with wine, that helped me move out,  that drove down just to see the tattoo. And I especially remember those who are still here and listening whenever it comes up.
This epiphany has led me to this, it doesn't matter what you say as long as you are there for them. Of course, support them. Be there for them. But the exact words that you say won't matter. As long as you are helpful, they will get through this.
I did.

26 May 2011

People are living in my past, and they can't let me move forward

It seems like it is harder and harder to get people to take me seriously. I have no idea why that is? Do people see me as someone who isn't serious? Smart? What is it? It seems like more and more often I'll say things and it's not even just disputed- it's flat out ignored. And then, maybe 30 seconds later, someone else says that exact same thing. Did you not hear me? I feel like I am screaming into an empty canyon sometimes- or screaming into a brick wall. Like, c'mon!

The other thing is like I'll tell someone that I can't simply stay home all summer. I just can't. And instead of people being helpful, I'll get "me too" or "uh huh." Okay, soooooo you're ignoring me? I just don't get it.

I'm back in that place of feeling totally alone. I never meant for things to go this way. I really didn't. I don't think I'm a bad person, I just can't explain what happened.

It drives me absolutely nuts when people point out my past. As if I didn't already know what happened there... I never once saw my life at this point, so do you think I'm happy with how it turned out? This trip to Texas has actually made things worse. 1. I've HAD IT with people pointing my errors in life out to me. I FUCKING GET IT!!! I don't need you constantly bashing me for what I've done, because I can GUARANTEE that if you know enough about me to bash me on my mistakes, I know enough about you to bash your mistakes you. You ain't perfect either. 2. It has made me realize that, while I'm happy with what I'm doing with my life currently, I'm not satisfied with how things have turned out- and that kills me. It absolutely kills me.

I guess I just have a lot to think about. I need to pull myself out of this again.

30 April 2011

Royal Reality

Yesterday I got up to watch the Royal wedding. It's not like I've had an obsession or anything, but I knew that this would be history and I felt the need to do it. I wasn't sure if I would actually feel like getting up at 3 am, and I most certainly was not getting up any earlier, so I DVR'd the wedding on two channels. It's kind of a good thing I did because I turned the TV on as Catherine was getting in the car. I felt like I had missed a lot, but I saw the important part live.
The whole concept is overwhelming. Catherine is a commoner (which in and of itself is a hard concept for an American to grasp). But, 29 years ago Catherine was born. A year prior Princess Diana married Prince Charles- who was in love with Camilla Bowles, but she was "unsuitable." When Catherine was born, commoners did not marry royalty. The fact that Common Catherine is now Catherine Duchess of Cambridge is huge.
I realize that this does not directly affect me. But, the Royal family is known world wide. And it really is a huge piece of history. And an heir to the throne will not be married now for another 20-30 years. Which means if you missed this one- darn!
Americans have nothing to compare this to. That's what is sad. We have no family that has been historically significant for any amount of time.
But, who could be in Catherine's shoes right now? Would that not be some serious pressure? I personally would not. That is a lot of work. And she looks perfect every time she steps outside. I rarely look "perfect."
But, there is a reality of this whole thing. I've been very intrigued by it all, watching how it came to be and learning some. But then, I realize that I have to come down to reality. And, it hit me today. America is pretty uncouth. It's annoying.
But it also made me see that, I'm 25 years old and it's time for life to start. And it hasn't. It should have started a while ago (oh wait, it did!). And yea, I'm back in school, but I feel no closer to finishing than when I started a year ago. And I haven't been dating. Yes, it was a conscious decision, but now it isn't. And I've made the attempt. But, it isn't.
It's not that I want to have this high profile, expensive wedding that is seen around the world and get a royal title out of it. The point is, I see these two people (whether royal or not) who have been successful and it makes my life feel- stalled.
The Royal Reality of it all is there was this giant royal wedding and it was seen all around the world. And now we all have to go back to real life. Although, I see some girls struggling with that part and continuing to be stuck wishing to be a royal princess.
Not me, I do not want to be a princess- planning that wedding would suck.

12 April 2011

JACC- Part 2 and Looking Forward

As it turns out, I don't feel like outing the offending party. There was some drama, but in the grand scheme of things, I'm glad I went. It was an opportunity that I'm not sure I will get to have again. If I stay at my current school, then I will probably have the chance. But, given that I am applying to three 4-year universities this summer, who knows what my future holds.
I learned some incredible things this weekend. I just wish that I would have had more time to attend more lectures. I got to attend two... two. I'm a bit upset that I didn't get to go to some more. There were some that I would like to have seen. But, now I know for next year.
Yes, next year. If I stay at this school, then I fully intend to write and be an active part of the newspaper.
But, when all is said and done, I am very glad that I went this weekend. It left me wanting to do about 1,000 things. I'm thinking about sports writing. And being a country music reporter. Or still, social media marketing.
They never should have let me go to this conference.
If I knew how busy I would be this weekend, then I would have had my homework prepared in advance. It's definitely not the most stressful week I've ever had at school. But in retrospect, waiting until AFTER the conference was a terrible idea. But, I thought I would have a minute to stop and write part of my paper. Nope. I did get one page read in my communications book. Go me. But, as of now, I am caught up. I have two articles to do this week. So maybe "caught up" isn't the right word. "On schedule" may be more accurate. It will work out alright.

JACC- Part 1

My toes are trying their hardest to defrost, and I've been inside and warm for over two hours now.

I'm in Sacramento, CA for a journalism convention (JACC) and it is freezing. I spent tonight watching the Sacramento River Cats, their minor league baseball team. And then I had to write a story on the game. The main goal is to learn more about journalism and what we need to know. The school paid for us to go- all but $100.

Journalistically its been a great experience. Socially- eh. We all know I have social anxiety, so getting here was a bit of a task. With the Southwest issues going on lately, there was a part of me that hoped that my flight would get cancelled. It didn't. So, then it was me wondering if I really wanted to come. I didn't. But, I'm here. Sitting in the airport, I was by myself for a long time.

I'm getting along with most of the people on our staff, but I still feel slightly awkward. There have been a few issues that have come up. There is a part of me that is fighting with myself, trying to decide if I should post the issue. But, for now, I'm not going to. Let me sit on it a while and cool down from the anger, and then we'll see what happens.

I'm learning a lot. I went to a social media lecture today. But because of the aforementioned issues, I went to the wrong one. But,  this one was pretty entertaining. It was exciting to get to see the real world applications of these things!

Interspersed with the conference are competitions, on-the spot competitions. We have to write articles, quite literally, on the spot. It wasn't too bad. A bit stressful. Though, it was worse writing my lead and deleting it. Then writing it, and deleting it. And over and over and over. The problem was, we had an hour. I was still deleting my lead when people were getting up because they had finished. I now understand how stressful that is (typically, I'm one of the first done with everything).

This was actually supposed to be published on Friday- and it never did. So here it is now.

03 April 2011


If there is anything I have learned today it is that anything posted on Facebook must be true. Isn't it?

Today I posted this picture of a hand with an engagement ring on it and I captioned it "<3". That was it, plain and simple. I obviously had one thing in mind, April Fool's, and I was going to do whatever it took to avoid giving myself away. So, the first few comments were along the lines of "omg! congrats!" But my best friend, Ashley (whom I love dearly for this) posted "^silly people." I, of course, texted her and asked her to delete it (more like told- oops). And she did, I really appreciated it.
But, Ashley had a point. It was silly (not to discredit those who posted because, really, I had a ring. It was a good kicker). But, a few things. My Facebook has said single for years, even though I had a rebuttal for that: "I have been keeping it a secret, because I wasn't sure where it would go."
And then there was the fact that there were no pictures of me and him. I blew off that question. I didn't have a good answer that would actually serve the purpose. Or, the fact that I have never once even posted about being on a date. I could get away with that though.
The biggest reason no one should have believed me, given that it's a transparent prank anyways, it's April Fools' Day. We seem to forget that it is April Fools' Day and I saw a lot of people fall for a lot of pranks, some well thought through and others were not. Four friends announced that they were pregnant (it seems like a lot of women are pregnant on April 1st.. hmmm Valentines babies?), someone was moving and marrying a girlfriend, another was moving to Costa Rica and another's husband was recalled in the Marine Corps.
So why is it that we are so quick to believe what friends post on Facebook? I'd venture to say, perhaps it's the lack of actual communication. Facebook can be defined as Mass Communication because our message reaches a large group of people (depending on how many friends you have). And there is nothing personal about it. Of course we have our close friends that we will communicate, but it's still not personal. This means that when I post an engagement ring, "Jon Smith" whom I haven't seen since high school, has no idea if I am kidding or not. I can't fault him for that, he's going off of what I post.
This isn't a good thing or a bad thing, it just is. It's what our generation is becoming. We've all been guilty of it at one point or another, and some worse than others. I don't think that we know any better. It's become so natural to "communicate" with people we haven't seen in years. 
The other thing is that jokes like this are so much easier to pull off, because they do reach that mass audience. Before the internet and Facebook, if we wanted to pull off the "I'm engaged" prank it took much more work than a picture. But, we live in an era where mass communication is achievable for anyone.
Oh and my prank? Turned out amazingly. A GREAT friend of mine ended up commenting like he was this fiancee. And then my relationship status went from "engaged" to "engaged to..." And all my friends who were in on it, played along.
Thank you to all my friends who played along. And to all the friends who fell for it <3 It turned into an incredible social experiment and an AMAZING experience. I definitely enjoyed it.

And for something really cool and exciting, type in http://yourlittlespark.blogspot.com/view/mosaic  Blogger has tons of amazing new layouts, and that one is my favorite.

13 March 2011

I must be psychic

I was going through emails that I sent almost 3 years ago, trying to find my friend in Japan's email. And I found this in an email I sent July 27, 2008

"You are preparing to enter one of the most difficult periods of
your life.
Be strong!
When you persevere through this severe trial you will be
stronger, more confident, richer, refreshed and better.
Be Strong!
The desire to give up is sometimes overwhelming but don't quit.
Be Strong!"

It was from another email I had gotten, I just forwarded a section of it. I think it was predicted! Wow...

07 March 2011

Things that blow my mind...

I'm at school so I'm going to come back to this later. But, a few things have blown my mind lately

-People who get upset when college is harder than high school... *umm yea that's the point of higher education...*

-People who stop their cars, at a red light, on a train track
*they aren't hard to miss, do you want to die?*

I've got another that I figured out today.
-Students (in general) who think that putting random answers down on homework and think its going to pass.
*ummmm no. Cheating doesn't work in school.*

05 March 2011

Come in with the Rain

Wow! Long time no post. Its been a busy few weeks. School keeps me super busy most of the time.

School is going well, though. I'm actually enjoying most of it. So that's good. I'm not a big fan of my Spanish class, but only because it is so absolutely redundant that it gets old. My English class is a bit out there, but what can you learn if you don't challenge yourself? I know that I am strong enough in my beliefs that I don't mind them being challenged. My English professor actually mentioned to us, on one of the first days, that college is a place where you have to challenge what you believe in and push your knowledge. If you don't, there is nothing left for you to learn. If you don't challenge yourself and your knowledge, you walk into college thinking you know everything about everything, and you won't be open to new information. And I completely agree with him.

On April 7, I am going to a journalism conference. I've been writing for the school's paper this semester. And the advisor mentioned the conference and wasn't sure how many she should take. And she took the list of everyone who was interested. However, when she told us that, I started having second thoughts. I was in the middle of an article that, I felt, was an absolute disaster. And I felt like I wasn't good enough to go and didn't want the school to waste their money. But, on the very last day to confirm, I emailed her and told her that. She told me that she wanted me to go, that I had the talent and it needed to be refined. So, I sucked up the insecurities and confirmed that I would in fact be going. So, we'll see how that goes.

The rest of my life is a beautiful disaster. I am, without a doubt, not where I wanted to be at 25. I am nowhere near it. I'm happy, though. It seems like everything is coming together, according to His plan. I figured that would happen eventually, I've just been waiting for it. I am almost in a spot where I just have to keep doing my part and it all flows. No real decisions to be mad. It's nice to relax and enjoy the ride.

I was listening to a Taylor Swift song on my way home from dinner with some friends tonight. The song is called "Come in with the Rain." And its incredible. But, the chorus hit me. I realize the whole song isn't about this, but I found a different meaning for the chorus and a few other parts.

I could go back to every laugh
But I don't want to go there anymore and I
know all the steps up to your door
But I don't want to go there anymore
Talk to the wind, talk to the sky
Talk to the man with the reasons why
And let me know what you find

I'll leave my window open
Cause I'm too tired tonight
to call your name
Just know I'm right here hoping
You'll come in with the rain

I could stand up and sing you a song
But I don't want to have to go that far and I
I've got you down, I know you by heart
And you don't even know where I start
Talk to yourself, talk to the tears
Talk to the man who put you here
Don't wait for the sky to clear


I've watched you so long
screamed your name
I don't know what else
I can say

But I'll leave my window open
Cause I'm too tired tonight
for all these games
Just know I'm right here hoping
You'll come in with the rain

I could go back to every laugh
But I don't want to go there

Okay, so not all of it holds this meaning. But here's the way I hear it.

I'll leave my window openCause I'm too tired tonightto call your nameJust know I'm right here hopingYou'll come in with the rain

Basically, that part, I see as like 'I am so worn out from trying to find the one, that I have just left the windows open in hopes that he is looking for me. Because I can't keep trying so hard.

I could stand up and sing you a songBut I don't want to have to go that far
This one, I see as like I could do all these things that are not me, to make you like me, but I don't want to do that. I want you to like me for me.

Talk to yourself, talk to the tearsTalk to the man who put you hereDon't wait for the sky to clear

Basically, in a sentence? Leave it all to God.

And that is what I am trying to do. Leave everything to God. I've tried driving the car that is my life, and I just cannot do it anymore. My plan doesn't work. It's time to be a passenger.

Sorry, its just one of those nights.

13 February 2011

Turning Point

Twice this weekend I have heard the same thing. Something that I didn't know was true, and I'm still not sure it is. Twice people have told me this weekend that I look happy.

But am I? I most definitely have my moments. But, am I truly happy. Well outside reports say that I am. So, either I am actually happy and I have been fooling myself for a while. Or I am realllly good at acting like I am okay.

So which one is the truth? I really have no idea. Maybe it is some combination of the two options. Here is what I do know. I do know that I am accomplishing way more in my life lately than I have in a long time (plus!). I am absolutely uncomfortable with my own body (minus!) I don't have a social life (sorry Andrew! haha [plus for my bank account; minus for me]).

I also know that I feel human again. Its strange to say that, but I have spent soooo long hiding inside my walls. But, I'm slowly breaking through the wall and feeling comfortable talking to people around me; I typically am very shy.

I guess this is a big turning point and I can finally start to rebuild for good. Or maybe I just had a good weekend. Let's hope for the former.

31 January 2011

Learning Out Loud

Spelling out loud, in a foreign language is hard, if you don't write the word down first. Yup, guess who learned that lesson. I have no idea what I was doing. I'm not sure that I want to minor in Spanish anymore, it just doesn't seem like a good idea. I'm thinking that a double major in marketing and communications. Who knows.
I've been tutoring students for the CA High School Exit Exam for about the past week and a half. I've learned that asking "is English your second language?" is a totally legit question. I've also relearned grammar skills that I have since forgotten. But, the biggest thing that strikes me is that teenagers don't necessarily know the difference between slang and academic language. It kind of breaks my heart.
I had a student today and we were working on a writing sample. They wrote "I do what I got to do." They confessed later that they nearly wrote "I do what I gotta do" but they knew "gotta" wasn't a word. Okay, I'll give them credit for that. When we told them that was slang, they were arguing with us asking how it is slang. You just have to trust us. Its not even grammatically correct slang.
So we're in the third week of the semester. It's been an adjustment. Last semester I had homework, but it wasn't like this. I'm just not used to going nonstop. I'm used to coming home straight from work. But, now its different. I have to go to school right after work and then depending on the night I get home at 6 or 7. Its not like its that much, its just new. This weekend, though, I spent the weekend nonstop reading. That's what I get for taking school seriously this time around.
Speaking of seriously, I feel like I have a lot more focus in life. And that a lot of things are coming together. But, there are still some that are not. And one of those is that weight loss thing. It's not working out very well. And, in fact, I'm just not comfortable with my body anymore. And I really need to do something about this...

13 January 2011

Another January 13th...

I really thought that I wouldn’t hate January 13th this year. Or at least I had hoped.

I was actually soaring right through without even thinking about it. And then I was writing my last post and the word “divorce” stopped me dead in my tracks. Shit!

Fuck this. I am so over the whole thing. I really am over it; to a degree.

I still have my things. I still cringe at the thought of getting serious with someone. Every time I think about how lucky I am that we never had kids, I cringe. What if I screw up again next time? What if next time I do have kids and he leaves me too? Then what? I’m so screwed.

I don’t want to dwell on this. Believe me. I barely even think about the divorce anymore. I keep it a secret, I don’t blurt it out. The afflictions that have been bestowed upon me are my little secrets. If you are lucky enough to get into my inner circle then maybe you know. I don’t get depressed, I don’t cry, I don’t even think about him, except this one day a year. And even then, I won’t dwell on this. I’ll write this and maybe I’ll bring it up to my mom tomorrow. But, then its over and I get on with my life.

I’ve turned into one tough chick. One girl who knows who she is and knows what she wants. And that is great. I just have to stay focused this time around. I can’t have another January 13th.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Lets not go for “again”

12 January 2011

This is where it gets hard

New Year’s resolutions aren’t easy to keep. Go figure. I knew I would hit this point. Nearly two weeks in and I don’t want to commit, but at the same time I do.

I’ve been eating like shit lately. No, literally, I had cookies for dinner. That part was unintentional. I didn’t realize dinner was so soon and I was only going to have 2, but I had 4. And when dinner was ready I tried to eat something real, to no avail. I was far too stuffed to eat anything. But then I got hungry because lets face it, cookies do not equal sustenance. And I ate crap again. I stopped myself from eating eventually. But, this weight loss is going to be no cake walk.
            I want to go indoor rock climbing as a means of exercise. I am not the kind of person who can just go to a gym. I never have been, I just get too bored in there. I like doing fun stuff and stuff that is entertaining. I figure indoor rock climbing will keep me entertained for a while, but no one will go. So, that kind of sucks. I guess I need new friends- or just friends in general.

Then there is that whole focus on God thing. It is great in concept. Had I seen this plan on paper before I started it, I still wouldn’t have thought about it twice. And, though I am not rethinking this one, I’m struggling with it now. Our relationship is in a great place, where it hasn’t been in a long time. But, it’s the loneliness factor that gets to me. I had my first difficult day with it on Monday.
            My little brother is in town and we went to Disneyland together, which is always fun and we always go while he is in town. And seeing all those couples got to me after a while. But, I dealt with it as well as I could. But then I have sub-conscious memos to myself that I am not dealing with this as well as I had planned. I have dreams (and ew not dirty dreams, please take your mind out of the gutter) that I have a boyfriend or have people around me. Sometimes it is just a lot of friends that I have around me; other times I have dreams where I have a boyfriend. The boyfriend can range from a very general person or even a feeling to a very very specific person (different every time). If it is a specific person, it’s not typically someone that I would even be interested in and that is how I know that its just the feeling. I’m not crushing on these people (trust me; if I told you the latest person then you would KNOW it isn’t a crush).
            I think I just miss the feeling of acceptance. It has been a long time since I felt truly accepted into a situation. I rarely feel comfortable around a group of people, even if it is people that I have known for a long time. I just don’t have conversations with them. I cannot decide if it is social anxiety or something else. But, usually, I don’t fit into any group that I am with and it just gets awkward. I hope this changes soon.
            A lot of this loneliness, as well, comes from the divorce (yup I’m going back there and I have every right, as I write this it will be January 13 in 18 minutes FML). I put a lot of trust in him. When I used to have break ups, it was me, or it was mutual. I was never left; I never had to fight for what I wanted. And I fought, I fought like HELL for what I wanted, but that wasn’t good enough. So I guess somewhere that translates into not good enough at all.
Weird, I know.

03 January 2011

New Years Resolutions

New Years Resolutions. I'd say that most people make them (personally, I don't believe in them). I'd also say that most people don't keep them. So why do we make them?
It doesn't make sense. New Year, new beginnings? Okay.. New month new beginnings? New day?
Okay, sure, new year new beginnings, I'll bite. But then, why do we make resolutions that we cannot keep? "I want to lose 100 pounds this year." Okay, I could be really cruel to this one, but if you have 100 pounds to lose, start smaller. Within your reach. "I will find the man/woman that I will marry" (fill in your own blank). You honestly, have no control over that.
I guess its that we're not only a generation of instant gratification, but a country of instant gratification as well. When we say we want to lose 100 pounds we mean that we want action and we want it now. And we don't want to work for it. No exercise, no watching what we eat. Nope. We try pills and magic machines to lose that wieght (think- shake weight, minimal work for supposed "extrodinary" results).
So then, how many people make resoultions that they have to actually work for? I know that not everyone makes these instant gratification resolutions. What would be the changes?
That said, I did in fact make resolutions this year. I know I don't believe in them. But, like Justine told me the other night "It just seems like a good year for resolutions." Could mine be these afformentioned "instant gratification" resolutions? Of course. But, they won't be.

1. I want to lose 20 pounds before I move to Texas.
2. I want to focus less on this non-existant love life and more on my relationship with God.

Here's to a better 2011.