12 January 2011

This is where it gets hard

New Year’s resolutions aren’t easy to keep. Go figure. I knew I would hit this point. Nearly two weeks in and I don’t want to commit, but at the same time I do.

I’ve been eating like shit lately. No, literally, I had cookies for dinner. That part was unintentional. I didn’t realize dinner was so soon and I was only going to have 2, but I had 4. And when dinner was ready I tried to eat something real, to no avail. I was far too stuffed to eat anything. But then I got hungry because lets face it, cookies do not equal sustenance. And I ate crap again. I stopped myself from eating eventually. But, this weight loss is going to be no cake walk.
            I want to go indoor rock climbing as a means of exercise. I am not the kind of person who can just go to a gym. I never have been, I just get too bored in there. I like doing fun stuff and stuff that is entertaining. I figure indoor rock climbing will keep me entertained for a while, but no one will go. So, that kind of sucks. I guess I need new friends- or just friends in general.

Then there is that whole focus on God thing. It is great in concept. Had I seen this plan on paper before I started it, I still wouldn’t have thought about it twice. And, though I am not rethinking this one, I’m struggling with it now. Our relationship is in a great place, where it hasn’t been in a long time. But, it’s the loneliness factor that gets to me. I had my first difficult day with it on Monday.
            My little brother is in town and we went to Disneyland together, which is always fun and we always go while he is in town. And seeing all those couples got to me after a while. But, I dealt with it as well as I could. But then I have sub-conscious memos to myself that I am not dealing with this as well as I had planned. I have dreams (and ew not dirty dreams, please take your mind out of the gutter) that I have a boyfriend or have people around me. Sometimes it is just a lot of friends that I have around me; other times I have dreams where I have a boyfriend. The boyfriend can range from a very general person or even a feeling to a very very specific person (different every time). If it is a specific person, it’s not typically someone that I would even be interested in and that is how I know that its just the feeling. I’m not crushing on these people (trust me; if I told you the latest person then you would KNOW it isn’t a crush).
            I think I just miss the feeling of acceptance. It has been a long time since I felt truly accepted into a situation. I rarely feel comfortable around a group of people, even if it is people that I have known for a long time. I just don’t have conversations with them. I cannot decide if it is social anxiety or something else. But, usually, I don’t fit into any group that I am with and it just gets awkward. I hope this changes soon.
            A lot of this loneliness, as well, comes from the divorce (yup I’m going back there and I have every right, as I write this it will be January 13 in 18 minutes FML). I put a lot of trust in him. When I used to have break ups, it was me, or it was mutual. I was never left; I never had to fight for what I wanted. And I fought, I fought like HELL for what I wanted, but that wasn’t good enough. So I guess somewhere that translates into not good enough at all.
Weird, I know.

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