31 March 2010

Ever stood on the edge of a cliff?

Anticipation is growing. I went in for help on some paper work yesterday. And I was talking to one of the recruiters. And he told me that May is definitely conceivable to leave for boot camp. And it's even more real.

Ever stood on the edge of a cliff? Or even been on a ropes course and done the power pole? Or even, have you ever been on a roller coaster? You know that feeling you get. Right before you are supposed to jump? It's a strange feeling. Knowing that you are okay to jump. If you jump you will come out of it perfectly fine, a little exhilarated, but fine.  Like, when you are on a power pole (because I believe it represents the feeling a little better).
Here's a diagram of a power pole, in case you don't know what I mean.

Or Watch Here what its like to jump off a pole. My experience with it is a little different. I've done it twice (or three times?? I don't remember). And its intense. (And I have no idea whose video that is. I just found a relevant one). My personal experience is a little different, we weren't kicking a ball. Rather reaching for a handle bar or steering wheel. Which I actually find more appropriate in this situation.
So what am I getting at? Right now, the things I'm feeling right now are like right before you jump. You KNOW you are gonna be okay. You know there is someone (or in some cases more than one person) on the ground waiting to catch you, on your belay. But, you're afraid. And you have every right to be afraid. You are 30, 40, 60 feet in the air (I think mine were both 30-35ish). And it's not natural. And right now, I need to convince myself to jump.

In other news, PRAISE GOD! My little brother was in a horrific car accident yesterday. He lives in Texas, and he was on a dirt road. And he rolled his truck 3 times. He was fine. Minor concussion. Cuts and bruises. That's all. It still makes me sick to think about. There are so many things that worry me about it. And a piece of me gets sick just thinking about how he was alone, and what was he thinking about. It crushes me to know he was alone. But luckily he has amazing people out there for him. His boss came and got him and took him to the hospital. And he sat in the waiting room the whole time he was there! And then his amazing girlfriend, Emily, was there with him. And helped us handle everything else, after (and get this) Doug went to WORK! I am so so so thankful that he is okay. Words can't even describe how thankful I am. And its incredible that he was fine. 

Remember to wear your seatbelt! It saves lives!! I know I'm driving a little bit more careful after seeing that.

29 March 2010

It's in God's hands now

This is not how I intended to write this. When it all happened, I was nervous, terrified actually. Everything is moving much much faster than I expected. I never expected to hear the line "because of your score, you can pretty much choose when you want to leave." My initial thought was, "As long as possible." But, I realize I must face this. Not that anyone is forcing me. I can still back out. But, there is that feeling, that I-need-to-do-this-for-myself feeling. And I know, I must go and I must face this.

A few things have happened. I'm using God's strength to push myself through this. Its as if... as if He is telling me that it will all be okay. It started Sunday. At church they were talking about when you do things, if you do them through God, you won't have fears (and I keep telling that story a little wrong, but you get what I mean). And there was a little comfort there, but I still was nervous.

And then there is the bond between my friends. And a Bible verse left on my facebook: Ecclesiastes 4:12 - Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. And I realize that the friendships that are true will make it through those 9 weeks. And continue on through A-school. And further through any enlistment and deployment and whatever hits us. And those that don't, well they weren't worth it. 

And then there was a conversation I had at work today. And Isaiah 41:10- So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. And then, there was comfort. No matter what stupid little fears I have. My personal hygiene (some of y'all know what I'm talking about that I was stressing) or my running shoes, or whatever fear I will have tomorrow. All of those, God will handle them. I'm sure I'll be nervous, and I will fret the little things. But, God will handle it all. And for now, I will live through that. And I will (at least try) to live through Him.

So here's the update. I know many of you have been waiting for it. But, I think God wanted me to calm down a little bit before I wrote it lol. I was way to paranoid before now. And now I am at peace. 

I go next week, April 8, down to MEPS. I will get my physical, choose jobs and DEP in. It all sounds so technical. But, as the recruiter put it, I will join the Navy next week. And it was said "because of your score you can pretty much choose when you want to go." I have my heart set on May. Which is probably not a good idea, because I know the military screws people around. But, I feel like May is perfect. Gives me time to process it all. But, at least I won't be sitting on it for like a year. I do NOT need that. I wanna go and be done with it and start my new life.

I'm ready for a new life...

20 March 2010

Oh! And...

I realize that my mom is my friend on facebook now. And since I post the link everytime I write, I feel I need to write this, because I forsee a lecture coming.

I realize I put a lot of myself out there when I write these. And that puts me at risk, In general it puts me at risk for people knowing all my business. Which they don't actually know. And it just exposes who I am. Its why I write. There are things I want to say to people sometimes, and I can't. And I just express myself better in the form of words.

If you read these posts, then you know me (at least at this point) and you care about me. Or you care about my story. Or you're just nosey. Either way, I realize that I don't have to share. But I want to.

Blogging from bed

The other night, before I went to sleep, I was laying in bed (Sarah's couch) and thoughts were swirling in my head. So, I jotted a few notes into my blackberry. I have a running list of things I want to talk about. But never before have I written something this extensive about what I wanted to write. I hadn't looked at that list until this morning. First, I want to share those notes with you. A sneak peak into my mind if you will. Then, I will elaborate. Well, at least on those things that I remember what they mean.

The notes:
"Blogging from bed... On my cell phone... Happiest I've been. August 3rd, 2008. Chris's last home coming. Next morning. Something wrong. Pill to sleep. Things coming together. Convince myself to leave- harder and harder."

Insane no? My train of thought seems to have been everywhere. And things were shortened that probably shouldn't have been. But here's my attempt.

Well you know the blogging from bed part on my cell phone part.

Lately, this has been the happiest I have been in a long long time. Probably since August 3rd, 2008. That was the day Chris came home. That feeling is one I will never forget. But, I really don't feel like getting into any of that. I think thats what everything until pill to sleep is about.

The people in my life, the relationships I have now, are totally coming together. I don't know if my life has ever had this much... unity. Like everything is where it is supposed to be. And, like I've been saying. Its making it that much harder to convince myself to leave.

Why are things so good? Well, I'm broke. Okay, thats not why things are so good. But, this is the least amount of money I have EVER made in my entire life. Since I started really working at 20 years old (or 19? I don't remember totally). Sad right? Because its the hardest I've worked. But, we take something out of everything we do, no matter how small.  And I've taken a work ethic from this. Knowing I have to go to work everyday. There is no option to call in sick.

But thats not the thing that has me so happy with life. Friendships, relationships. I can't explain why these friendships are different. I drive hours to see them each week. And sometimes we don't even do anything. On Tuesday, Justine, Ashley and I just watched American Idol and got music on our ipods and iphone. We were going to make bows. Didn't happen lol. And its comfortable. And its where I belong.

And I have to ask again, how am I going to leave this?

13 March 2010

I don't know if I wanna leave now...

I hate when I have a million thoughts floating in my head. Its like I have to get them all down. Unfortunately, the best time for me to think is in the car. And I don't necessarily have a laptop handy to write.

Today was one of those days that I am not ready to leave. In fact, I don't want to leave at all. What if I miss out on things like today. I had fun. And to think, I was dreading it. I almost backed out. But, Ashley's guilty comment of "well its up to you." And Justine telling me that it would, in fact, be the end of the world if I didn't go, convinced me that maybe I should go. I'm glad I did.
I was nervous. But, I feel like those words don't accurately describe it. I was never really popular. I never really had tons of friends. Sure, in high school I was the athlete. And everyone (or most everyone) knew who I was. But deep down, I have always had feelings of inadequacy. I think it stems from Junior High. There... ha! There I was the furthest thing from popular. I believe outcast would be the correct term for what I was. And you girls who were my friends, don't deny what we were back then. I was a social misfit, to say the least. I was never good enough. And the feeling has always kind of stayed with me. I hate meeting new people. Not because I don't like them, but because what if they don't like me? That is something that will stay with me in the back of my head forever. And it wasn't until I talked with the author of Hurry Up and Wait, that I realized I may not be alone in this fear. I haven't fully talked to her about the deep down reasons. But, I do know that I'm not alone in being afraid to meet new people. And I trust her with this info about me.

If it weren't for friends like Ashley and Justine today that I would have 1. been totally awkward and 2. I would want to leave right away. But, how do I convince myself today that it is a good idea to leave, when I feel like I actually have people who are true friends?

10 March 2010

Rest In Peace Girls

Its been a rough 15 minutes for Escondido. Amber DuBois went missing February 13, 2009. There was not a single trace of evidence. No one knew what happened. That was the scary part. It was as though someone knew. Had she walked 200 yards more, she would have been in sight of the security cameras at the high school (the same ones that were installed when i was in high school). There were all out searches, there were fundraisers, everything imaginable. But, yet nothing. February 13, 2010 came and went and there was still no more info.
And then, Chelsea King disappeared. It was all to similar. A teenage girl in San Diego disappears. And we have no info. And they looked slightly similar. Sadly, they found her body, I believe, a little less than a week after she vanished. But, they arrested someone before they found her.
This all lead to a break in Amber's case. No one will tell us who they got a tip from, but the police got a tip. And then, sadly, heartbreakingly, they found Amber's body this past Saturday. It's gut wrenching to even think about. But, Escondido police have said that they are looking into the same person that killed Chelsea.
I hate this. I'm sure everyone here does. We hate that ONE man has been able to tear our community apart in such a way. Women here are being very careful around here. Most of us have gotten pepper spray. We spend the time being very aware of where we are. I hate that these little girls had to suffer. This man is disgusting. And I hate him.
Rest in Peace Girls.