13 March 2010

I don't know if I wanna leave now...

I hate when I have a million thoughts floating in my head. Its like I have to get them all down. Unfortunately, the best time for me to think is in the car. And I don't necessarily have a laptop handy to write.

Today was one of those days that I am not ready to leave. In fact, I don't want to leave at all. What if I miss out on things like today. I had fun. And to think, I was dreading it. I almost backed out. But, Ashley's guilty comment of "well its up to you." And Justine telling me that it would, in fact, be the end of the world if I didn't go, convinced me that maybe I should go. I'm glad I did.
I was nervous. But, I feel like those words don't accurately describe it. I was never really popular. I never really had tons of friends. Sure, in high school I was the athlete. And everyone (or most everyone) knew who I was. But deep down, I have always had feelings of inadequacy. I think it stems from Junior High. There... ha! There I was the furthest thing from popular. I believe outcast would be the correct term for what I was. And you girls who were my friends, don't deny what we were back then. I was a social misfit, to say the least. I was never good enough. And the feeling has always kind of stayed with me. I hate meeting new people. Not because I don't like them, but because what if they don't like me? That is something that will stay with me in the back of my head forever. And it wasn't until I talked with the author of Hurry Up and Wait, that I realized I may not be alone in this fear. I haven't fully talked to her about the deep down reasons. But, I do know that I'm not alone in being afraid to meet new people. And I trust her with this info about me.

If it weren't for friends like Ashley and Justine today that I would have 1. been totally awkward and 2. I would want to leave right away. But, how do I convince myself today that it is a good idea to leave, when I feel like I actually have people who are true friends?


  1. true friends will never leave you, no matter where you go. I know I can speak for Justine and myself when I say that we will always love you and always be here for you, even if you aren't "here." I want you to be happy, and if this is what you feel you need to do to accomplish that, then more power to you! We both want our lives to get on track and to be independent. This is what you need to do to accomplish that. This is what you need to do. And this is what you want to do. It WILL be worth it, because in the end, you'll realize that you haven't lost anything, but have gained a world of confidence and a new independent life. <3

  2. I agree with Ashley, that even when you DO leave, we're still going to be here. You can't get rid of me that easily!! <3 you!

  3. I'm glad you came today and that I got to meet you :)