I hate when I have a million thoughts floating in my head. Its like I have to get them all down. Unfortunately, the best time for me to think is in the car. And I don't necessarily have a laptop handy to write.
Today was one of those days that I am not ready to leave. In fact, I don't want to leave at all. What if I miss out on things like today. I had fun. And to think, I was dreading it. I almost backed out. But, Ashley's guilty comment of "well its up to you." And Justine telling me that it would, in fact, be the end of the world if I didn't go, convinced me that maybe I should go. I'm glad I did.
I was nervous. But, I feel like those words don't accurately describe it. I was never really popular. I never really had tons of friends. Sure, in high school I was the athlete. And everyone (or most everyone) knew who I was. But deep down, I have always had feelings of inadequacy. I think it stems from Junior High. There... ha! There I was the furthest thing from popular. I believe outcast would be the correct term for what I was. And you girls who were my friends, don't deny what we were back then. I was a social misfit, to say the least. I was never good enough. And the feeling has always kind of stayed with me. I hate meeting new people. Not because I don't like them, but because what if they don't like me? That is something that will stay with me in the back of my head forever. And it wasn't until I talked with the author of Hurry Up and Wait, that I realized I may not be alone in this fear. I haven't fully talked to her about the deep down reasons. But, I do know that I'm not alone in being afraid to meet new people. And I trust her with this info about me.
If it weren't for friends like Ashley and Justine today that I would have 1. been totally awkward and 2. I would want to leave right away. But, how do I convince myself today that it is a good idea to leave, when I feel like I actually have people who are true friends?