31 January 2011

Learning Out Loud

Spelling out loud, in a foreign language is hard, if you don't write the word down first. Yup, guess who learned that lesson. I have no idea what I was doing. I'm not sure that I want to minor in Spanish anymore, it just doesn't seem like a good idea. I'm thinking that a double major in marketing and communications. Who knows.
I've been tutoring students for the CA High School Exit Exam for about the past week and a half. I've learned that asking "is English your second language?" is a totally legit question. I've also relearned grammar skills that I have since forgotten. But, the biggest thing that strikes me is that teenagers don't necessarily know the difference between slang and academic language. It kind of breaks my heart.
I had a student today and we were working on a writing sample. They wrote "I do what I got to do." They confessed later that they nearly wrote "I do what I gotta do" but they knew "gotta" wasn't a word. Okay, I'll give them credit for that. When we told them that was slang, they were arguing with us asking how it is slang. You just have to trust us. Its not even grammatically correct slang.
So we're in the third week of the semester. It's been an adjustment. Last semester I had homework, but it wasn't like this. I'm just not used to going nonstop. I'm used to coming home straight from work. But, now its different. I have to go to school right after work and then depending on the night I get home at 6 or 7. Its not like its that much, its just new. This weekend, though, I spent the weekend nonstop reading. That's what I get for taking school seriously this time around.
Speaking of seriously, I feel like I have a lot more focus in life. And that a lot of things are coming together. But, there are still some that are not. And one of those is that weight loss thing. It's not working out very well. And, in fact, I'm just not comfortable with my body anymore. And I really need to do something about this...

13 January 2011

Another January 13th...

I really thought that I wouldn’t hate January 13th this year. Or at least I had hoped.

I was actually soaring right through without even thinking about it. And then I was writing my last post and the word “divorce” stopped me dead in my tracks. Shit!

Fuck this. I am so over the whole thing. I really am over it; to a degree.

I still have my things. I still cringe at the thought of getting serious with someone. Every time I think about how lucky I am that we never had kids, I cringe. What if I screw up again next time? What if next time I do have kids and he leaves me too? Then what? I’m so screwed.

I don’t want to dwell on this. Believe me. I barely even think about the divorce anymore. I keep it a secret, I don’t blurt it out. The afflictions that have been bestowed upon me are my little secrets. If you are lucky enough to get into my inner circle then maybe you know. I don’t get depressed, I don’t cry, I don’t even think about him, except this one day a year. And even then, I won’t dwell on this. I’ll write this and maybe I’ll bring it up to my mom tomorrow. But, then its over and I get on with my life.

I’ve turned into one tough chick. One girl who knows who she is and knows what she wants. And that is great. I just have to stay focused this time around. I can’t have another January 13th.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Lets not go for “again”

12 January 2011

This is where it gets hard

New Year’s resolutions aren’t easy to keep. Go figure. I knew I would hit this point. Nearly two weeks in and I don’t want to commit, but at the same time I do.

I’ve been eating like shit lately. No, literally, I had cookies for dinner. That part was unintentional. I didn’t realize dinner was so soon and I was only going to have 2, but I had 4. And when dinner was ready I tried to eat something real, to no avail. I was far too stuffed to eat anything. But then I got hungry because lets face it, cookies do not equal sustenance. And I ate crap again. I stopped myself from eating eventually. But, this weight loss is going to be no cake walk.
            I want to go indoor rock climbing as a means of exercise. I am not the kind of person who can just go to a gym. I never have been, I just get too bored in there. I like doing fun stuff and stuff that is entertaining. I figure indoor rock climbing will keep me entertained for a while, but no one will go. So, that kind of sucks. I guess I need new friends- or just friends in general.

Then there is that whole focus on God thing. It is great in concept. Had I seen this plan on paper before I started it, I still wouldn’t have thought about it twice. And, though I am not rethinking this one, I’m struggling with it now. Our relationship is in a great place, where it hasn’t been in a long time. But, it’s the loneliness factor that gets to me. I had my first difficult day with it on Monday.
            My little brother is in town and we went to Disneyland together, which is always fun and we always go while he is in town. And seeing all those couples got to me after a while. But, I dealt with it as well as I could. But then I have sub-conscious memos to myself that I am not dealing with this as well as I had planned. I have dreams (and ew not dirty dreams, please take your mind out of the gutter) that I have a boyfriend or have people around me. Sometimes it is just a lot of friends that I have around me; other times I have dreams where I have a boyfriend. The boyfriend can range from a very general person or even a feeling to a very very specific person (different every time). If it is a specific person, it’s not typically someone that I would even be interested in and that is how I know that its just the feeling. I’m not crushing on these people (trust me; if I told you the latest person then you would KNOW it isn’t a crush).
            I think I just miss the feeling of acceptance. It has been a long time since I felt truly accepted into a situation. I rarely feel comfortable around a group of people, even if it is people that I have known for a long time. I just don’t have conversations with them. I cannot decide if it is social anxiety or something else. But, usually, I don’t fit into any group that I am with and it just gets awkward. I hope this changes soon.
            A lot of this loneliness, as well, comes from the divorce (yup I’m going back there and I have every right, as I write this it will be January 13 in 18 minutes FML). I put a lot of trust in him. When I used to have break ups, it was me, or it was mutual. I was never left; I never had to fight for what I wanted. And I fought, I fought like HELL for what I wanted, but that wasn’t good enough. So I guess somewhere that translates into not good enough at all.
Weird, I know.

03 January 2011

New Years Resolutions

New Years Resolutions. I'd say that most people make them (personally, I don't believe in them). I'd also say that most people don't keep them. So why do we make them?
It doesn't make sense. New Year, new beginnings? Okay.. New month new beginnings? New day?
Okay, sure, new year new beginnings, I'll bite. But then, why do we make resolutions that we cannot keep? "I want to lose 100 pounds this year." Okay, I could be really cruel to this one, but if you have 100 pounds to lose, start smaller. Within your reach. "I will find the man/woman that I will marry" (fill in your own blank). You honestly, have no control over that.
I guess its that we're not only a generation of instant gratification, but a country of instant gratification as well. When we say we want to lose 100 pounds we mean that we want action and we want it now. And we don't want to work for it. No exercise, no watching what we eat. Nope. We try pills and magic machines to lose that wieght (think- shake weight, minimal work for supposed "extrodinary" results).
So then, how many people make resoultions that they have to actually work for? I know that not everyone makes these instant gratification resolutions. What would be the changes?
That said, I did in fact make resolutions this year. I know I don't believe in them. But, like Justine told me the other night "It just seems like a good year for resolutions." Could mine be these afformentioned "instant gratification" resolutions? Of course. But, they won't be.

1. I want to lose 20 pounds before I move to Texas.
2. I want to focus less on this non-existant love life and more on my relationship with God.

Here's to a better 2011.