25 February 2010

Identity Crisis.

It's more than just who are you. I have two names. My maiden name, and my married name. I would have changed back to my maiden name. But, for some reason still unknown to me, the little box wasn't marked on the divorce papers. So, I am stuck. I tried to change it back. But, the court informed me that I would have to file a response. Just. To. Check. One. Box. And that response, it would cost me over $300 to file. Again. Just. To. Check. One. Box.
There are moments when I wonder, did he do this on purpose? Did someone tell him this would happen? I like to believe the best in people. That maybe he really was just an idiot. But, then looking at his track record, he had to have done it on purpose. Right?
So I'm left. Wondering who I am. Legally, I have my married name (my superhero name if you will lol). Otherwise, I have my maiden name. But what do I go by? I have no idea. I try to go by my maiden name. My facebook is under that name (well both really, but the main one is my maiden name). My friends refer to me by my maiden name. It's in their phones under that. The other day I was talking to Ashley and I used my married name, and she asked why I did that lol.
When I join the Navy though, it has to be my married name. Because, legally, thats who I am. So, will I fall to that identity? Will my maiden name just vanish, into an after thought? I hope not, because there is this part of me that feels like I would be being disrespectful to my parents. Like, I care more about Chris than I do them. Which couldn't be further from the truth. But, its a legitimate fear right?
So I guess in a way, this name crisis makes me wonder who I really am. It reflects the fact that everything I thought I was, may in fact be wrong. Maybe one day I will find it out. But I fear the fact that its a name thing means I won't find my identity unless I find a man and take his name. And, that is not something I want. At all. I want my identity to be me. NOT a man.

24 February 2010

"The Pursuit of Happyness"

Sometimes I wish my life was followed by a video camera. It's not that I think my life is fabulous. Just sometimes things crack me up. And I wish I could share but, it just won't be as funny to you.

So I turned in all my medical stuff to the recruiter yesterday. Its real now guys. I go down in a few weeks to get my physical and its all downhill from there. For those of you who are asking, I still don't have anything in the way of dates. But I promise, from the moment I find anything out, y'all will know.

I'm really excited to go though. Not that I want to leave my best friends. Not in any way shape or form. But, I am excited to do something for myself. I've been doing a whole lot of nothing for a long time. Yea, I've had this job for two years. But, its really not doing anything in the way of me going somewhere in life. I will miss my job and the people (some of the people lol) there. But, I realize that this is a step I need to take for me. And more than ever I am number one to me. I need to stop thinking of others and finally do something for me.

I spent too long playing wife and making my life all about him. It really got me nowhere in life. So I was talking to my mom the other day. And, I'm never gonna be happy unless I am happy with myself first. And that is why I am doing this. So I can stop worrying about making other people happy. And make me happy.

17 February 2010

Olympic Thoughts

I'm not a list maker. I never was. I've tried. I usually give up. So needless to say, I don't have a bucket list. Though, I want one. I added something to my imaginative bucket list today. I want to go to the Olympics one day. Not participate. That ship has long since sailed. But I want to watch. One event. Doesn't matter what event. But something. I'd prefer it to be something I am interested in. Snowboarding maybe? Gymnastics? Doesn't matter much. I just want to be there, to know what its like.

I've been addicted to the Olympics this year. I've never really been this addicted before. I've watched them. But I record them every time they are on. I can't miss it. I realized, this year, that I really love the Olympics. I love the Olympic spirit. I was watching an event (cross country skiing maybe?)  and the woman who came in like 60th or something way in the back. The announcers were so gracious. They were saying every nice thing in the world. Not once did they "oh she blew it" or "her technique is so off." They kept saying how she trained and how in Brazil she is the first woman to compete in cross country skiing. And it was so heart warming to hear them say.

That's not to say I haven't heard things that have made me cringe. I was watching men's ice skating today and an American man missed a triple something or other and did a single instead. And then instead of a quadruple something else he doubled it. After that the announcers said "he's done." Ouch. Because if I was him and I watched the playback, thats EXACTLY what I would want to hear. Right. And then waiting for his score to have them say he blew it. I do not want to be that man watching the playback tonight.

But, I'm not looking forward to the Olympics being of the air in the next like week and a half or so. I don't know what I am going to do with my spare time.

11 February 2010

Facebook Rant.. Part 2

Anyone get the new facebook homepage. I think by now you all probably have. If my dad has, then you have. I've come to terms with the fact that facebook can't keep things the way they are and every couple months (like 14ish?) they roll out a new look. And thats fine. Some change is inevitable. I've even come to terms with the fact that this "simplified" home page is anything but. What was the point in putting the chat list off to the left like that? And our book marked apps? Also, I don't like that notifications pop up on the bottom left. Why? Was that necessary? And they flipped where the home button was. Again, why? Is this some feng shui for webpages? Is it for some positive qi (thank you wikipedia for that word!)? If that's the case, where can I find the books on this? What's that? You don't think there are any written? Brilliant! There's my money making scheme, feng shi a la facebook (and yes I realize I just combined Chinese and French, its my blog I'll do it if I please)! Oh what's that? You don't like the new facebook. Crap. Well I never liked Mrs. Harper down the streets decorating, but it was done according to feng shui.. huh?

But, here's the real issue I have with the new facebook. They came out with this new layout prematurely. It's not running well. The News Feed chooses a random group of friends (I think it was 25? or 250?... either way) and it only shows that. And if I didn't have the wonderful ladies of CW I wouldn't have any idea how to rectify that (you go to the bottom of the feed, click options and change whatever number is there to like 5000 and it will put everyone that you have). And I am so over constantly getting the "oops something went wrong.. we're working on fixing it" pop-up. I'm not kidding. This morning I put my computer away because I was so frustrated with it. I can't get anything done. I was trying to look at someone's new profile picture. But, they couldn't do it because I kept getting that pop-up. Tonight, I was trying to look at someone's new photo album they posted, and I couldn't because nothing would load. I don't understand how they can just roll out this new thing before they have it in full working order.

I mean, I understand some glitches. Its bound to happen, we're all human. But, for it to be going this wrong makes me think if the facebook developers are getting lazy?

Oh and I tried to find a way to contact them about this mess... yea the "contact us" button, it doesn't exist. And check your privacy settings, mine went ten different kinds of wonky after this change....


10 February 2010

Darn Sinuses...

I've been sick all week. How much does that suck? I haven't been to work since Sunday. In fact, this morning was the first time I really left the house since I got home from work Sunday. I've been stuck on the couch. It turns out I have a sinus infection. Sounds easy to know if you have. But this is the first time in forever that I haven't known what I had.

Luckily I've had some amazingness to watch while I've been out. I've watched two seasons worth of The Big Bang Theory. If you haven't seen this show, you are missing out. It is probably one of the funniest shows I have ever watched. I definitely recommend it. I would write a little more on it, but I need to lay down lol. I'll write more on that later...

08 February 2010

Facebook Rant...

I've seen this rant before. I think it was on Ashley Unscripted. But its driving me bat shit crazy now.

All those copy/paste things that I've been seeing around are getting annoying. 'Copy/Paste this if you love your mom!' My mom knows I love her. My mother is one of my best friends. And oh yea, she doesn't even have facebook, so what's the point in that? 'Copy/Paste this if you have an amazing hubby that will do anything for you!' Um thank for rubbing it in fuckers. That one bugs me the most. I don't have a hubby or husband or anything of the sort. So rubbing yours in my face? Yea thats pretty shitty.

The latest one that I saw 'For valentines day change your default to a picture of you and your significant other and say how long you've been together.' Really? Because I don't hate valentines enough. Now you wanna force me to remember that its coming up. Awesoooome. Not.

I guess I just don't see the point in these things. To broadcast to the world what we have? Isn't that a sign of feeling inferior to others? Isn't it just enough to know what you have? Or is it completely necessary to rub it in peoples faces that you may or may not have something more/ better than them?

02 February 2010

Pretty BA if you ask me

I took my asvab today. I'm not gonna lie, I feel pretty BA today. But, I didn't at first. I was stressed, I was bitchy (okay suuuper bitchy). Then when I got the score, I wasn't thrilled. I got a 91 on my pre-test. So, being me, I wanted and even planned on getting a better score. So I was a little disappointed in my 88.

I started feeling a little better when he told me it was good. Still not better. When the other girl with me told me she also got an 88. Still not great, but better. When they told me I missed the nuclear engineering score by just 15 points. Okay, we're getting there. When Justine said it was BA. That's when I started feeling amazing.

I have a few issues to deal with before it can go further. But there's a good chance that I am going... eek!