It's more than just who are you. I have two names. My maiden name, and my married name. I would have changed back to my maiden name. But, for some reason still unknown to me, the little box wasn't marked on the divorce papers. So, I am stuck. I tried to change it back. But, the court informed me that I would have to file a response. Just. To. Check. One. Box. And that response, it would cost me over $300 to file. Again. Just. To. Check. One. Box.
There are moments when I wonder, did he do this on purpose? Did someone tell him this would happen? I like to believe the best in people. That maybe he really was just an idiot. But, then looking at his track record, he had to have done it on purpose. Right?
So I'm left. Wondering who I am. Legally, I have my married name (my superhero name if you will lol). Otherwise, I have my maiden name. But what do I go by? I have no idea. I try to go by my maiden name. My facebook is under that name (well both really, but the main one is my maiden name). My friends refer to me by my maiden name. It's in their phones under that. The other day I was talking to Ashley and I used my married name, and she asked why I did that lol.
When I join the Navy though, it has to be my married name. Because, legally, thats who I am. So, will I fall to that identity? Will my maiden name just vanish, into an after thought? I hope not, because there is this part of me that feels like I would be being disrespectful to my parents. Like, I care more about Chris than I do them. Which couldn't be further from the truth. But, its a legitimate fear right?
So I guess in a way, this name crisis makes me wonder who I really am. It reflects the fact that everything I thought I was, may in fact be wrong. Maybe one day I will find it out. But I fear the fact that its a name thing means I won't find my identity unless I find a man and take his name. And, that is not something I want. At all. I want my identity to be me. NOT a man.