21 April 2010

Do you know, what it feels like?

Yea, I have that song stuck in my head... Thanks Glee. Anyways. I'm a total stream of conscious writer. I write as it comes and it may not always land on the point I meant to make. What I'm about to write, I started last night. It just started as a simple passing thought. And turned into a completely handwritten post before its getting typed. It looses it a bit in the middle because I was falling asleep last night. And so I started again this morning. Stream of conscious.. gone.

There are not a lot of divorced 24 year olds. There are times when I need to be reminded that I am not alone. Unfortunately, in the military community, there are quite a few of us. Often times we got married in a rush. he was deploying, boot camp, some variation of the same story encompasses the lot of us. But, in my real world life, how many of me are there really? I don't know that I can think of one person I went to high school with that is divorced that wasn't military. Scratch that. I've hear of one, but I didn't know them so I don't know if  its a true story of the product of still living in this town and word spreading.
Either way, am I alone? Of course, there are always those friends who get it. Those friends who've gotten divorced, and those friends who walked with me and held my hand. Those who cried with me and brought me wine, who got tattoos with me. but, nobody was there. nobody saw the anger in his eyes when we fought. I would NEVER say he hit me or even scared me into thinking he might hurt me. Its not him. Never was, never will be. I'll give him that much credit. The worst violence was the Christmas tree incident, which is actually quite amusing. But, there was anger. And lots of it. And to this day, I'm still not 100% sure why he was so mad. There really was nothing to be so angry at. I could have forgotten, but honestly I don't think so. So to describe my emotions as confused would be an understatement. I still don't fully understand it. But, it is what it is, right?
I've had some issues to say the least since all this happened. I'm not the same girl I was three years ago. but, I'm also not the same person I was 18, 19, 20 months ago- whatever it was. I've tried to date. I have. It usually ends with me feeling totally suffocated to death. I can't stand to be around someone all the time. in fact, I can't deal with someone wanting to be around most of the time. I don't know, maybe its  because I was married to an idea, a pen, my email and my cell phone for a grand total of 15 months. I have a different spirit about me now. I was shy and reserved before. Now, I still get that way. Sometimes. But, its not nearly as bad. I'm very animated now. Especially if its something I have a passion for.
But, there's still a piece of me that struggles with the whole concept. And its not a very big piece of me,  but its like a splinter. As slight as it may be, its there and I always feel it in one way or another. I could be in the lightest situation and the, seemingly, most simple thing will hit me in the face. And it hurts again, for a few seconds or a few minutes. And then I can go back to my day as if nothing happened. But, I have to wonder if it is going to be like that forever, or is it something that will stick with me. Honestly, I hope it goes away. I want to remember what made me who I am, but I want to do it less painfully . As a result, I don't date. Or as Ashley put it, I date but I say I don't. Okay, in the last 6 months I've been on one date. And even that was like pulling teeth to get me to go. So, while I don't 100% not date, I don't make an effort to date. But, there are those nights (and sometimes days) that I get lonely. We all hae them. Its mostly nights that my phone isn't blowing up, I'm not used to that. I found a quote last night that is perfect "Its often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone." (Marilyn Monroe). And most of the time that's all I want. To have conversation and to know that I am not alone in this world.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and I've never hidden this. But, no ones bothered to ask.


  1. "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."

    --Deuteronomy 31:6

    He is always with you. Loneliness sucks and you know I know that first hand as well, but I think in those times we need to challenge ourselves to remember this: The times when we're feeling most alone is in fact the time when we're so far from being alone. This is the time when God is with us the most. I encourage you (and myself) to spend this "loneliness" time studying the Word and talking to Christ. I can't tell you how amazing I feel when I'm driving by myself and just start talking to Him. It's like I get out of my car a completely different person. <3

  2. *Hugs* I feel like you need one and I would give you one in real life if you were closer :)

  3. colleen... you are amazing... i know that lately i havent said that as much as i should have... you know that im feeling the same way, despite the different circumstances...you are soo stong... to turn the f*cked up hand of cards that you were dealt into a huge future is amazing... i strive for that but i know im not as stong as you are to get it just yet...i can honestly say that you a strong, independent, smart, loving, honest person and im grateful to have had you as a friend, regardless of our differences...

    p.s. i hate your blog for making me cry... but i forgave it when i was reminded of that damn christmas tree... :)