12 July 2010

Lost. Completely. Utterly.

Edited. Apologize.

Forgive me, this is a vent. And I literally have NO ONE that I can say this to.

I seriously wonder if I have hit rock bottom. I haven't had a real paycheck in over a month now. We're still on optional status at work. But, when we do go in, I have clients screaming at me. They have given us $300 since we were raided on June 23. I am job hunting. I've applied at probably 50 places since last week. My cell phone bill is due tomorrow. My Disneyland Annual Pass is due the 20th (Contract says I can't cancel it until December or I would. Paying it was never an issue until this month). My gym membership (comes out of dad's account, too late to cancel) is also due the 20th. I'm already behind on one credit card. I have another card and the payment is due Friday. And I don't know what to do about it. My dad is threatening to kick me out if I don't pay him $100 by the 15th (rent. And he's serious he says "why should I have to suffer?") Plus, my car is finally coming back Sunday and my dad says that they are transferring it into my name on Monday and I have to find insurance. I had a job that would pay for all of this and then some and I would have no problem with that. And I told him this today. I have no problem paying my own insurance and all that. But, not right now, not when this is completely out of my control.

And then, there's my lack of dating. I literally have never felt more rejected in my life. I'm ready to start again. But, there's nothing there. Like literally, no men pay attention to me. And when they do, literally, they try to get sexual in 4.2 seconds. That's not my thing. Not one bit, not at all. And I'm so sick of my friends telling me "why don't you date?" or "you need to date?" Really? really? Ya think so? What do you think I'm doing?

And friends. I can literally count the friends (not family) who would come running if something happened to me, on one hand. And that sucks. I literally have no one around. The one friend I do have (that lives here), isn't always around when her boyfriend (who I introduced her to!) isn't at Mojave Viper. And even like this weekend, I said lets do something that doesn't involved alcohol. She's like I don't have money for that. So just tell me, you don't want to do anything other than drink. And I'll just skip straight to telling you that I am going to stay home. That's where she is. And that is totally fine with me. I'm not opposed to going out. I'm really not. Just not every single night. Its not where I am. And I would love new friends. I would love to be around people. But, I don't know where to start.

I honestly have never felt so alone, and rejected, and lost in my entire life. And I'm starting to lose it. I seriously want to just vanish. I want to delete my facebook, I want to change my number, I want to move far away. And not tell anyone. Because, moments like this, I feel like no one would notice.


  1. "Because moments like this, I feel no one would notice."

    LIESLIESLIESLIESLIES. You have not hit rock bottom, it's just life. As for the dating: There's just no one that is worthy of your time. You are a strong woman and that's intimidating, as it should be! The guy that you find forever will love that about you, no doubt.

    I <3 you.

  2. You've already heard all of this from cw, but we all love you and you ARE worth everything! All these speed bumps lead to good times. And I agree with Justine. Why waste your time on guys who want to sleep with you right away? Unfortunately, the good guys tend to be a bit quieter, aka harder to find, but you're amazing and you'll find him when the time comes. :)