Learning Out Loud

Spelling out loud, in a foreign language is hard, if you don't write the word down first. Yup, guess who learned that lesson. I have no idea what I was doing. I'm not sure that I want to minor in Spanish anymore, it just doesn't seem like a good idea. I'm thinking that a double major in marketing and communications. Who knows.
I've been tutoring students for the CA High School Exit Exam for about the past week and a half. I've learned that asking "is English your second language?" is a totally legit question. I've also relearned grammar skills that I have since forgotten. But, the biggest thing that strikes me is that teenagers don't necessarily know the difference between slang and academic language. It kind of breaks my heart.
I had a student today and we were working on a writing sample. They wrote "I do what I got to do." They confessed later that they nearly wrote "I do what I gotta do" but they knew "gotta" wasn't a word. Okay, I'll give them credit for that. When we told them that was slang, they were arguing with us asking how it is slang. You just have to trust us. Its not even grammatically correct slang.
So we're in the third week of the semester. It's been an adjustment. Last semester I had homework, but it wasn't like this. I'm just not used to going nonstop. I'm used to coming home straight from work. But, now its different. I have to go to school right after work and then depending on the night I get home at 6 or 7. Its not like its that much, its just new. This weekend, though, I spent the weekend nonstop reading. That's what I get for taking school seriously this time around.
Speaking of seriously, I feel like I have a lot more focus in life. And that a lot of things are coming together. But, there are still some that are not. And one of those is that weight loss thing. It's not working out very well. And, in fact, I'm just not comfortable with my body anymore. And I really need to do something about this...

Another January 13th...

I really thought that I wouldn’t hate January 13^th this year. Or at least I had hoped.

I was actually soaring right through without even thinking about it. And then I was writing my last post and the word “divorce” stopped me dead in my tracks. Shit!

Fuck this. I am so over the whole thing. I really am over it; to a degree.

I still have my things. I still cringe at the thought of getting serious with someone. Every time I think about how lucky I am that we never had kids, I cringe. What if I screw up again next time? What if next time I do have kids and he leaves me too? Then what? I’m so screwed.

I don’t want to dwell on this. Believe me. I barely even think about the divorce anymore. I keep it a secret, I don’t blurt it out. The afflictions that have been bestowed upon me are my little secrets. If you are lucky enough to get into my inner circle then maybe you know. I don’t get depressed, I don’t cry, I don’t even think about him, except this one day a year. And even then, I won’t dwell on this. I’ll write this and maybe I’ll bring it up to my mom tomorrow. But, then its over and I get on with my life.

I’ve turned into one tough chick. One girl who knows who she is and knows what she wants. And that is great. I just have to stay focused this time around. I can’t have another January 13^th.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Lets not go for “again”

This is where it gets hard

New Year’s resolutions aren’t easy to keep. Go figure. I knew I would hit this point. Nearly two weeks in and I don’t want to commit, but at the same time I do.

I’ve been eating like shit lately. No, literally, I had cookies for dinner. That part was unintentional. I didn’t realize dinner was so soon and I was only going to have 2, but I had 4. And when dinner was ready I tried to eat something real, to no avail. I was far too stuffed to eat anything. But then I got hungry because lets face it, cookies do not equal sustenance. And I ate crap again. I stopped myself from eating eventually. But, this weight loss is going to be no cake walk.

            I want to go indoor rock climbing as a means of exercise. I am not the kind of person who can just go to a gym. I never have been, I just get too bored in there. I like doing fun stuff and stuff that is entertaining. I figure indoor rock climbing will keep me entertained for a while, but no one will go. So, that kind of sucks. I guess I need new friends- or just friends in general.

Then there is that whole focus on God thing. It is great in concept. Had I seen this plan on paper before I started it, I still wouldn’t have thought about it twice. And, though I am not rethinking this one, I’m struggling with it now. Our relationship is in a great place, where it hasn’t been in a long time. But, it’s the loneliness factor that gets to me. I had my first difficult day with it on Monday.

            My little brother is in town and we went to Disneyland together, which is always fun and we always go while he is in town. And seeing all those couples got to me after a while. But, I dealt with it as well as I could. But then I have sub-conscious memos to myself that I am not dealing with this as well as I had planned. I have dreams (and ew not dirty dreams, please take your mind out of the gutter) that I have a boyfriend or have people around me. Sometimes it is just a lot of friends that I have around me; other times I have dreams where I have a boyfriend. The boyfriend can range from a very general person or even a feeling to a very very specific person (different every time). If it is a specific person, it’s not typically someone that I would even be interested in and that is how I know that its just the feeling. I’m not crushing on these people (trust me; if I told you the latest person then you would KNOW it isn’t a crush).

            I think I just miss the feeling of acceptance. It has been a long time since I felt truly accepted into a situation. I rarely feel comfortable around a group of people, even if it is people that I have known for a long time. I just don’t have conversations with them. I cannot decide if it is social anxiety or something else. But, usually, I don’t fit into any group that I am with and it just gets awkward. I hope this changes soon.

            A lot of this loneliness, as well, comes from the divorce (yup I’m going back there and I have every right, as I write this it will be January 13 in 18 minutes FML). I put a lot of trust in him. When I used to have break ups, it was me, or it was mutual. I was never left; I never had to fight for what I wanted. And I fought, I fought like HELL for what I wanted, but that wasn’t good enough. So I guess somewhere that translates into not good enough at all.

Weird, I know.

New Years Resolutions

New Years Resolutions. I'd say that most people make them (personally, I don't believe in them). I'd also say that most people don't keep them. So why do we make them?
It doesn't make sense. New Year, new beginnings? Okay.. New month new beginnings? New day?
Okay, sure, new year new beginnings, I'll bite. But then, why do we make resolutions that we cannot keep? "I want to lose 100 pounds this year." Okay, I could be really cruel to this one, but if you have 100 pounds to lose, start smaller. Within your reach. "I will find the man/woman that I will marry" (fill in your own blank). You honestly, have no control over that.
I guess its that we're not only a generation of instant gratification, but a country of instant gratification as well. When we say we want to lose 100 pounds we mean that we want action and we want it now. And we don't want to work for it. No exercise, no watching what we eat. Nope. We try pills and magic machines to lose that wieght (think- shake weight, minimal work for supposed "extrodinary" results).
So then, how many people make resoultions that they have to actually work for? I know that not everyone makes these instant gratification resolutions. What would be the changes?
That said, I did in fact make resolutions this year. I know I don't believe in them. But, like Justine told me the other night "It just seems like a good year for resolutions." Could mine be these afformentioned "instant gratification" resolutions? Of course. But, they won't be.

1. I want to lose 20 pounds before I move to Texas.
2. I want to focus less on this non-existant love life and more on my relationship with God.

Here's to a better 2011.

Escondido Police Force Doing Their Jobs???

This isn't the first time I have seen the Escondido Police Force react in this way. I am starting to lose my faith in them....

On December 18, 2010 we called the Police Department to report six drunk teenagers at the Iceoplex in Escondido. The Police promptly came to the scene and asked two friends and I to identify the teens, who had also been talking about driving home. When my friends and I were unable to identify them in less than a minute... we were told that they would inform the staff to call them if there was a problem. My friend then told the responding officers that she had already informed the staff and they did not seem to mind. The officer said he would talk to them himself. His conversation with the staff member consisted of "call us if you need us" but did not inform the staff member what the issue was. The officers then left.


We know that there has been an influx of teenage driving deaths lately and see the matter as important. Unfortunately it seems that our police force does not.

Secrets

So much to say. So much sleep to be had.

Its finals week. And two classes I am super comfortable with my grades. Another class, I am holding my breath. Not because I slacked off, but because I genuinely didn't get it. And I kid you not, that is the first time that has happened.

I was loading PostSecret tonight and a few secrets didn't load. Which is so weird because they always do. I clicked on the first one that didn't load for me. And there was my secret staring me in the face. Not MY secret because I didn't send it in. But what I imagine my postcard would say if I did send one in. And no, I won't tell you which secret it was.

Do you ever run into people that you haven't seen in years, only to question every little move you  made when the exchange was over? I did this more than once this weekend. Am I overly self-conscious? I'm gonna venture and say probably. I'm not gonna say who it was, simply because I saw so many people this weekend and I didn't do this every time I saw someone. But seriously, one conversation I went over and over in my head. The person NEVER gave any indication that it was awkward or off or anything. I don't know I just couldn't get it off my mind.

I used to be so extroverted. I was a goof ball and just plain didn't care what people thought? This has totally changed. I saw something tonight on someone's status. And it made me think of who I used to be; what I used to stand for. Don't get me wrong, I know who I am, but its the shy keep to myselfness (yes I know thats not a word) that has me bugged.

I guess, and I've said this before, its that I don't know how to meet other people outside the bar. And let me tell you- I am SO over the bar scene. That life will get you nowhere and fast.

I dunno.. maybe when I get to Texas...

Time goes by, so slowly

I once heard that Madonna song on an airplane. It was on one of those flights with the TV screen in front of you? It was a red-eye to Florida with my mom and Aunt. And this was the first song that came on whenever I turned on the music station. It was probably the worst song on a plane.

 I've never slept well on planes. Even on my way home from Hawaii the first time. It was a red eye. And I just cried. I was 15 I think. And I just wanted to get where I was going. I wanted to sleep and I didn't feel well.

That is kind of where my life is right now. I know where I am going, but the flight there feels like forever.

I'm probably putting way too much stock in this move. But, I feel like my new life will start there. Even if I end up moving back to California, life is going to start out there. Or at least, I hope.

The move is only about nine months away. And it can't get here sooner. I'm so afraid that it is going to drag on.

When the plane lands, it is always my favorite part. One time, the plane literally bounced twice when I landed. So, when is this plane going to land?