Time goes by, so slowly

I once heard that Madonna song on an airplane. It was on one of those flights with the TV screen in front of you? It was a red-eye to Florida with my mom and Aunt. And this was the first song that came on whenever I turned on the music station. It was probably the worst song on a plane.

 I've never slept well on planes. Even on my way home from Hawaii the first time. It was a red eye. And I just cried. I was 15 I think. And I just wanted to get where I was going. I wanted to sleep and I didn't feel well.

That is kind of where my life is right now. I know where I am going, but the flight there feels like forever.

I'm probably putting way too much stock in this move. But, I feel like my new life will start there. Even if I end up moving back to California, life is going to start out there. Or at least, I hope.

The move is only about nine months away. And it can't get here sooner. I'm so afraid that it is going to drag on.

When the plane lands, it is always my favorite part. One time, the plane literally bounced twice when I landed. So, when is this plane going to land?

So...

Okay, my fabulous friend Justine pointed something out to me. And she is one of those people who can say something and actually make me think about it.

She said that my last blog sounded like I was cutting people down. Please don't take it that way. It is not what I meant.

My mom was (and still is) a housewife. She quit her job when I was in third grade and hasn't looked back. She is one of my best friends. I wouldn't give that up for anything in the world.

I have the utmost respect for women who stay home and raise their children. My brothers and I would not be the people that we are had she not been home.

She and my dad have always told  me to get an education. Because, there may be a day (and there WILL be a day) where I need to support myself. And that day would have been made easier by getting my education first.

Women are already married without education. And that is awesome. And there is nothing wrong with getting an education after you are married. But, the point? Get an education, some way some how.

Advice for Women

I know sometimes people don't agree with what I say. It comes with the territory. I'm okay with that. But, something I have learned that I want women to know. This road hasn't been an easy one. Its been long. Sometimes I felt like I was walking barefoot. Most of the time I feel like I am walking alone. Its been hot some days and rainy other days. It's been a long walk and some days, it seems like there will never be an end.

I've learned a lot of lessons along the way. I've grown. I've become a COMPLETELY different person than I was two years ago. Unrecognizable even. The biggest lesson I've learned and the most important is that you don't know what tomorrow holds. I want to say that again: You do NOT know what tomorrow holds. You can't count on your spouse for tomorrow. Whether it is by divorce or something unspeakable, you do not know what is going to happen.

That being said, I don't have an education. I lied, I should say I don't have a full education. I have about half of an education. I thought I wouldn't be able to finish. I thought I was just going to have to work my ass off an pay nothing jobs. Wrong. I do get to finish my education. And I am finishing my education. But, the thing is, it would have been easier to finish my education before I got married. As a normal college student would. But, of course I learn things the hard way.

Honestly, I would tell women to do it the easy way. Go to school, Get a degree, Get a job and then get married. Or at least have a degree before you get married. Because it is so much harder to do it this way. And you need to be able to support yourself. If tomorrow holds some unspeakable future, you want to have a job or be able to get a job that allows you to support yourself.

I look at the women who are homemakers and have no skills other than changing diapers and cooking dinner and no real marketable skills, and it makes me wonder what they would do if they were put in my situation. And they can tell me that they don't believe in divorce. I can understand that. Neither do I and I am still in this situation. As I said before, you never know. I fully trusted him and his beliefs. So, what security can you have in that?

I know, right now those exact susie homemakers are rolling their eyes at me, thinking I'm an idiot and all out genuinely hating me. Deep down, you know I'm right. You know there is a chance he could leave, something unspeakable could happen, he could lose his job or you could outright NEED to get a job. And then what?

I'm not against wanting to be a stay at home mom. There is NO shame in that. And that is not what I am saying. But, going through everything I've gone through has taught me how crucial it is to get an education.

I'll leave you with this. Even if you never use a college education at a job, isn't it worth it just to be educated?

ugh.

I'm not stupid. Not by any definition of the word. And I'd venture to say that I'm pretty smart- okay really smart. So, the most frustrating thing in the world is when I don't understand a subject in school. This has never happened. I usually get things so well that I stop paying attention- hence the negative direction my education has taken. But, since I've been back in school I've been really focused. I read my econ book every week and I do my work and I post on our discussion boards and I get it. And then I take the test. And I fail. And not just a little. I'm saying on the last two quizzes I've gotten 4 out of 10. FOUR! FOUR! Do you know how great my "C" in Econ looks next to the "A" in my other two classes? And right now, I'm barely holding on to that "C". I want to cry. I want to crawl in a hole and cry. And my natural instinct is to say eff it and stop doing my work for the class. And I really want to. But, I can't. If I don't pass all my classes this semester, the school won't give me my scholarship money next semester, which means no school next semester. THIS SUCKS.

Frustrations

So, I'd like to say life is going fabulously and I just have my moments. That's not exactly the truth. Life is good. My classes are going well. And I really like the online format, now that I am focused on what I really want to do (write.. duh). But, the area that is getting me down is finances. Am I broke? Not exactly. But, I will be very soon.

I took that job up in Orange County, with the intention of moving up there. But, as it turns out, it was costing me more to work up there then I was making. And, I couldn't afford to move. So, I had to quit. We're still not sure if this is going to ruin my unemployment claim. I'm currently waiting to hear from them and find out.

And, yes, I did get a job. The one I interviewed for the day I moved back down here. The teacher's aide position. But, it still hasn't started. Its been over two weeks. I'm ready to start working. The problem too, is that you only get paid once a month. So, at this rate, I won't get a paycheck for another 6 weeks. Talk about stressful!

So, my mom just told me to be careful what I write on my blog. That "the Navy might see it." Who gives a fuck? Seriously. Hopefully, they do see it, and they do see how frustrated I am with the crappy way this whole thing has been handled. Isn't there such a thing as free speech? I'm not writing anything bad. I'm not releasing any secrets. I'm writing, about my life. I'm doing exactly what I want to do for a career. Write. Actually, the more and more I write about this, the more and more frustrated I get.

I can understand not posting drunk pictures on Facebook. That makes sense. Because, really, who wants to hire a drunken mess? But, there's nothing on here about "oh I was so drunk this weekend." No. Because, that's not me. This is me, writing about my life. Take it or leave it.

If the Navy has a problem with this, then maybe I don't want to enlist?

I don't like myself

I don't mean for this to sound all emo. Because it's really not supposed to. But, I'm really starting to hate myself. There are certain parts of, well me, that are holding me back from the things I really want in life. And I can't stand myself for it. More often than not, I want to cry.

And before you start in with the whole "get over it" thing. I can't. Its one of those things you can't just get over. In fact, the thought of just "getting over it" sends me into a panic.

I wish I could just do something about this. Because, tonight, is one of those bad nights where I just hate myself for this affliction.

look forward and never forget

I hate that I am thinking about writing a positive post, in the light of everything that is happening. But, I will never forget what has happened to my dear, dear friends. And I don't want the gravity of the situation to be forgotten.






Things have been going pretty well since I got home (aside from the tragedies that have crushed us all). I moved back home on Thursday afternoon. I had a job interview on Friday morning. It was for a TA position at the school that my aunt's have worked in for years and years. My brother did the same job a few years back. I asked for prayers for this on facebook. Only because the job is a downgrade in pay. But, it forces me to be in school. You have to be enrolled in 6 units per semester. It is a job that would force me to use my brain. Way more than the last brainless job I had.

I went for the interview. And it helped knowing that my Aunt's were friends with the teachers, it helped me relax and not be as shy. So, I went in and talked. And I guess they liked me. They hired me on the spot. But, now, I have to wait to do fingerprinting and paperwork and all that. It's not a big deal. I just hate waiting.

I'm excited. It would be helping kids (high schoolers) with their work. And when I have down time, I get to do my own work. Its a good setup.

Here's to hoping things are getting better.