I take back what I said about him never hurting me. He hurt me. He will forever be hurting me. I'm the kind of girl that things stay with. And as over him as I might be. The pain is still there. I will bring that pain with me the rest of my life. That pain is sometimes to much to bear. I can't handle it. Not right now, not right at this moment. I hate what he did. I hate what I have become. This is not me. I don't run in fear. I run from any semblance of a relationship. But, this knot in my stomach. I HATE HATE HATE when I do this to myself. It's my own fault. I don't have to do these things. But, I continue to. In fact... I just deleted any connection I had to him on facebook. His friends.. deleted. I only had like two left and barely did I even remember that I was friends with them. But, something has popped up. TWICE in fact in the last two days. And it just hurts. I hate this. Hate hate hate hate hate hate it.
So, next time if I say he didn't hurt me, please remind me of this. Please remind me that he took who I was from me.
29 April 2010
21 April 2010
Do you know, what it feels like?
Yea, I have that song stuck in my head... Thanks Glee. Anyways. I'm a total stream of conscious writer. I write as it comes and it may not always land on the point I meant to make. What I'm about to write, I started last night. It just started as a simple passing thought. And turned into a completely handwritten post before its getting typed. It looses it a bit in the middle because I was falling asleep last night. And so I started again this morning. Stream of conscious.. gone.
There are not a lot of divorced 24 year olds. There are times when I need to be reminded that I am not alone. Unfortunately, in the military community, there are quite a few of us. Often times we got married in a rush. he was deploying, boot camp, some variation of the same story encompasses the lot of us. But, in my real world life, how many of me are there really? I don't know that I can think of one person I went to high school with that is divorced that wasn't military. Scratch that. I've hear of one, but I didn't know them so I don't know if its a true story of the product of still living in this town and word spreading.
Either way, am I alone? Of course, there are always those friends who get it. Those friends who've gotten divorced, and those friends who walked with me and held my hand. Those who cried with me and brought me wine, who got tattoos with me. but, nobody was there. nobody saw the anger in his eyes when we fought. I would NEVER say he hit me or even scared me into thinking he might hurt me. Its not him. Never was, never will be. I'll give him that much credit. The worst violence was the Christmas tree incident, which is actually quite amusing. But, there was anger. And lots of it. And to this day, I'm still not 100% sure why he was so mad. There really was nothing to be so angry at. I could have forgotten, but honestly I don't think so. So to describe my emotions as confused would be an understatement. I still don't fully understand it. But, it is what it is, right?
I've had some issues to say the least since all this happened. I'm not the same girl I was three years ago. but, I'm also not the same person I was 18, 19, 20 months ago- whatever it was. I've tried to date. I have. It usually ends with me feeling totally suffocated to death. I can't stand to be around someone all the time. in fact, I can't deal with someone wanting to be around most of the time. I don't know, maybe its because I was married to an idea, a pen, my email and my cell phone for a grand total of 15 months. I have a different spirit about me now. I was shy and reserved before. Now, I still get that way. Sometimes. But, its not nearly as bad. I'm very animated now. Especially if its something I have a passion for.
But, there's still a piece of me that struggles with the whole concept. And its not a very big piece of me, but its like a splinter. As slight as it may be, its there and I always feel it in one way or another. I could be in the lightest situation and the, seemingly, most simple thing will hit me in the face. And it hurts again, for a few seconds or a few minutes. And then I can go back to my day as if nothing happened. But, I have to wonder if it is going to be like that forever, or is it something that will stick with me. Honestly, I hope it goes away. I want to remember what made me who I am, but I want to do it less painfully . As a result, I don't date. Or as Ashley put it, I date but I say I don't. Okay, in the last 6 months I've been on one date. And even that was like pulling teeth to get me to go. So, while I don't 100% not date, I don't make an effort to date. But, there are those nights (and sometimes days) that I get lonely. We all hae them. Its mostly nights that my phone isn't blowing up, I'm not used to that. I found a quote last night that is perfect "Its often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone." (Marilyn Monroe). And most of the time that's all I want. To have conversation and to know that I am not alone in this world.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and I've never hidden this. But, no ones bothered to ask.
There are not a lot of divorced 24 year olds. There are times when I need to be reminded that I am not alone. Unfortunately, in the military community, there are quite a few of us. Often times we got married in a rush. he was deploying, boot camp, some variation of the same story encompasses the lot of us. But, in my real world life, how many of me are there really? I don't know that I can think of one person I went to high school with that is divorced that wasn't military. Scratch that. I've hear of one, but I didn't know them so I don't know if its a true story of the product of still living in this town and word spreading.
Either way, am I alone? Of course, there are always those friends who get it. Those friends who've gotten divorced, and those friends who walked with me and held my hand. Those who cried with me and brought me wine, who got tattoos with me. but, nobody was there. nobody saw the anger in his eyes when we fought. I would NEVER say he hit me or even scared me into thinking he might hurt me. Its not him. Never was, never will be. I'll give him that much credit. The worst violence was the Christmas tree incident, which is actually quite amusing. But, there was anger. And lots of it. And to this day, I'm still not 100% sure why he was so mad. There really was nothing to be so angry at. I could have forgotten, but honestly I don't think so. So to describe my emotions as confused would be an understatement. I still don't fully understand it. But, it is what it is, right?
I've had some issues to say the least since all this happened. I'm not the same girl I was three years ago. but, I'm also not the same person I was 18, 19, 20 months ago- whatever it was. I've tried to date. I have. It usually ends with me feeling totally suffocated to death. I can't stand to be around someone all the time. in fact, I can't deal with someone wanting to be around most of the time. I don't know, maybe its because I was married to an idea, a pen, my email and my cell phone for a grand total of 15 months. I have a different spirit about me now. I was shy and reserved before. Now, I still get that way. Sometimes. But, its not nearly as bad. I'm very animated now. Especially if its something I have a passion for.
But, there's still a piece of me that struggles with the whole concept. And its not a very big piece of me, but its like a splinter. As slight as it may be, its there and I always feel it in one way or another. I could be in the lightest situation and the, seemingly, most simple thing will hit me in the face. And it hurts again, for a few seconds or a few minutes. And then I can go back to my day as if nothing happened. But, I have to wonder if it is going to be like that forever, or is it something that will stick with me. Honestly, I hope it goes away. I want to remember what made me who I am, but I want to do it less painfully . As a result, I don't date. Or as Ashley put it, I date but I say I don't. Okay, in the last 6 months I've been on one date. And even that was like pulling teeth to get me to go. So, while I don't 100% not date, I don't make an effort to date. But, there are those nights (and sometimes days) that I get lonely. We all hae them. Its mostly nights that my phone isn't blowing up, I'm not used to that. I found a quote last night that is perfect "Its often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone." (Marilyn Monroe). And most of the time that's all I want. To have conversation and to know that I am not alone in this world.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and I've never hidden this. But, no ones bothered to ask.
15 April 2010
Playing Catch Up
Well Hello Bloggers. I've missed you. Its been like 10 days Sad. I'm sorry. Its been busy. And I'm even going to include pictures here! It was worth the wait, wasn't it? I know. I'm worth it. Ha!
So I went to MEPs last Wednesday (April 7th). I know I was worried about making weight. At the time of my last post, what I didn't know was that they also go by BMI. And as far as BMI is concerned I can still get fatter. Haha but, no fear. I have no intention what-so-ever of doing that. Everything went really well. Until, they found out about my migraines. Now, let me clarify something. I get them, sure. However, I hadn't had one for THREE YEARS when I started taking birth control and got the Gardasil shot. My doctor and I have sat down and extensively gone over a plan to control them. And when I got off the birth control. Surprise, they were gone. So, I thought it was a done deal, and that was the end and I wasn't going to get in. But I still have a chance, I have my medical records and I am going to take them to the recruiter next week. So, when I know more, I will share more- like always.
The scary thing, though, was that they told me that they had a job already aside for me and I was leaving in two weeks. Dude, I did NOT approve this. It scared me a little bit.
Last week was Gleek week. I know, we're ridiculous right? Its funny. But, for the first time in as long as I can remember I have been able to be myself. I have made a point to surround myself ONLY with people that I can do just that and feel comfortable. And I'm learning (slowly) to step out of my comfort zone and realize that it is OK to embarrass myself. I've never really been a fan of doing that. But I'm getting there.
So my friends and I (Ashley and Justine) spent all week preparing for the spring premiere of Glee. Ashley made us amazing T-shirts!
Though, of course, my mom wanted to know why I'm the only one in Team Finn. I told her so I didn't have to share him. Duh. Ashley, you did an amazing job! Thank you!
And for posterity,
Little man got in the way taking the picture <3
The three of us together are amazing. There is never a dull moment. Best line of the night? "Want some juice in your juice? I can put my box in a box for you." She claims she was sober... lol
Anyways, thats mostly what's been going on. I know this isn't my best post ever. I'm slightly off my game lately. And I haven't wanted to post what happened at MEPs this week. And I'm finally okay telling the story.
So I went to MEPs last Wednesday (April 7th). I know I was worried about making weight. At the time of my last post, what I didn't know was that they also go by BMI. And as far as BMI is concerned I can still get fatter. Haha but, no fear. I have no intention what-so-ever of doing that. Everything went really well. Until, they found out about my migraines. Now, let me clarify something. I get them, sure. However, I hadn't had one for THREE YEARS when I started taking birth control and got the Gardasil shot. My doctor and I have sat down and extensively gone over a plan to control them. And when I got off the birth control. Surprise, they were gone. So, I thought it was a done deal, and that was the end and I wasn't going to get in. But I still have a chance, I have my medical records and I am going to take them to the recruiter next week. So, when I know more, I will share more- like always.
The scary thing, though, was that they told me that they had a job already aside for me and I was leaving in two weeks. Dude, I did NOT approve this. It scared me a little bit.
Last week was Gleek week. I know, we're ridiculous right? Its funny. But, for the first time in as long as I can remember I have been able to be myself. I have made a point to surround myself ONLY with people that I can do just that and feel comfortable. And I'm learning (slowly) to step out of my comfort zone and realize that it is OK to embarrass myself. I've never really been a fan of doing that. But I'm getting there.
So my friends and I (Ashley and Justine) spent all week preparing for the spring premiere of Glee. Ashley made us amazing T-shirts!
And for posterity,
The three of us together are amazing. There is never a dull moment. Best line of the night? "Want some juice in your juice? I can put my box in a box for you." She claims she was sober... lol
Anyways, thats mostly what's been going on. I know this isn't my best post ever. I'm slightly off my game lately. And I haven't wanted to post what happened at MEPs this week. And I'm finally okay telling the story.
05 April 2010
Worried
I'm a bit worried. I tried to lose 7 pounds, because I have to, and I can't. I tried. And nothing. Crap. Pray that somehow I can still sign on Wednesday or I'm gonna cry.
31 March 2010
Ever stood on the edge of a cliff?
Anticipation is growing. I went in for help on some paper work yesterday. And I was talking to one of the recruiters. And he told me that May is definitely conceivable to leave for boot camp. And it's even more real.
Ever stood on the edge of a cliff? Or even been on a ropes course and done the power pole? Or even, have you ever been on a roller coaster? You know that feeling you get. Right before you are supposed to jump? It's a strange feeling. Knowing that you are okay to jump. If you jump you will come out of it perfectly fine, a little exhilarated, but fine. Like, when you are on a power pole (because I believe it represents the feeling a little better).
Here's a diagram of a power pole, in case you don't know what I mean.
Ever stood on the edge of a cliff? Or even been on a ropes course and done the power pole? Or even, have you ever been on a roller coaster? You know that feeling you get. Right before you are supposed to jump? It's a strange feeling. Knowing that you are okay to jump. If you jump you will come out of it perfectly fine, a little exhilarated, but fine. Like, when you are on a power pole (because I believe it represents the feeling a little better).
Here's a diagram of a power pole, in case you don't know what I mean.
Or Watch Here what its like to jump off a pole. My experience with it is a little different. I've done it twice (or three times?? I don't remember). And its intense. (And I have no idea whose video that is. I just found a relevant one). My personal experience is a little different, we weren't kicking a ball. Rather reaching for a handle bar or steering wheel. Which I actually find more appropriate in this situation.
So what am I getting at? Right now, the things I'm feeling right now are like right before you jump. You KNOW you are gonna be okay. You know there is someone (or in some cases more than one person) on the ground waiting to catch you, on your belay. But, you're afraid. And you have every right to be afraid. You are 30, 40, 60 feet in the air (I think mine were both 30-35ish). And it's not natural. And right now, I need to convince myself to jump.
In other news, PRAISE GOD! My little brother was in a horrific car accident yesterday. He lives in Texas, and he was on a dirt road. And he rolled his truck 3 times. He was fine. Minor concussion. Cuts and bruises. That's all. It still makes me sick to think about. There are so many things that worry me about it. And a piece of me gets sick just thinking about how he was alone, and what was he thinking about. It crushes me to know he was alone. But luckily he has amazing people out there for him. His boss came and got him and took him to the hospital. And he sat in the waiting room the whole time he was there! And then his amazing girlfriend, Emily, was there with him. And helped us handle everything else, after (and get this) Doug went to WORK! I am so so so thankful that he is okay. Words can't even describe how thankful I am. And its incredible that he was fine.
Remember to wear your seatbelt! It saves lives!! I know I'm driving a little bit more careful after seeing that.
29 March 2010
It's in God's hands now
This is not how I intended to write this. When it all happened, I was nervous, terrified actually. Everything is moving much much faster than I expected. I never expected to hear the line "because of your score, you can pretty much choose when you want to leave." My initial thought was, "As long as possible." But, I realize I must face this. Not that anyone is forcing me. I can still back out. But, there is that feeling, that I-need-to-do-this-for-myself feeling. And I know, I must go and I must face this.
A few things have happened. I'm using God's strength to push myself through this. Its as if... as if He is telling me that it will all be okay. It started Sunday. At church they were talking about when you do things, if you do them through God, you won't have fears (and I keep telling that story a little wrong, but you get what I mean). And there was a little comfort there, but I still was nervous.
And then there is the bond between my friends. And a Bible verse left on my facebook: Ecclesiastes 4:12 - Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. And I realize that the friendships that are true will make it through those 9 weeks. And continue on through A-school. And further through any enlistment and deployment and whatever hits us. And those that don't, well they weren't worth it.
And then there was a conversation I had at work today. And Isaiah 41:10- So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. And then, there was comfort. No matter what stupid little fears I have. My personal hygiene (some of y'all know what I'm talking about that I was stressing) or my running shoes, or whatever fear I will have tomorrow. All of those, God will handle them. I'm sure I'll be nervous, and I will fret the little things. But, God will handle it all. And for now, I will live through that. And I will (at least try) to live through Him.
So here's the update. I know many of you have been waiting for it. But, I think God wanted me to calm down a little bit before I wrote it lol. I was way to paranoid before now. And now I am at peace.
I go next week, April 8, down to MEPS. I will get my physical, choose jobs and DEP in. It all sounds so technical. But, as the recruiter put it, I will join the Navy next week. And it was said "because of your score you can pretty much choose when you want to go." I have my heart set on May. Which is probably not a good idea, because I know the military screws people around. But, I feel like May is perfect. Gives me time to process it all. But, at least I won't be sitting on it for like a year. I do NOT need that. I wanna go and be done with it and start my new life.
I'm ready for a new life...
A few things have happened. I'm using God's strength to push myself through this. Its as if... as if He is telling me that it will all be okay. It started Sunday. At church they were talking about when you do things, if you do them through God, you won't have fears (and I keep telling that story a little wrong, but you get what I mean). And there was a little comfort there, but I still was nervous.
And then there is the bond between my friends. And a Bible verse left on my facebook: Ecclesiastes 4:12 - Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. And I realize that the friendships that are true will make it through those 9 weeks. And continue on through A-school. And further through any enlistment and deployment and whatever hits us. And those that don't, well they weren't worth it.
And then there was a conversation I had at work today. And Isaiah 41:10- So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. And then, there was comfort. No matter what stupid little fears I have. My personal hygiene (some of y'all know what I'm talking about that I was stressing) or my running shoes, or whatever fear I will have tomorrow. All of those, God will handle them. I'm sure I'll be nervous, and I will fret the little things. But, God will handle it all. And for now, I will live through that. And I will (at least try) to live through Him.
So here's the update. I know many of you have been waiting for it. But, I think God wanted me to calm down a little bit before I wrote it lol. I was way to paranoid before now. And now I am at peace.
I go next week, April 8, down to MEPS. I will get my physical, choose jobs and DEP in. It all sounds so technical. But, as the recruiter put it, I will join the Navy next week. And it was said "because of your score you can pretty much choose when you want to go." I have my heart set on May. Which is probably not a good idea, because I know the military screws people around. But, I feel like May is perfect. Gives me time to process it all. But, at least I won't be sitting on it for like a year. I do NOT need that. I wanna go and be done with it and start my new life.
I'm ready for a new life...
20 March 2010
Oh! And...
I realize that my mom is my friend on facebook now. And since I post the link everytime I write, I feel I need to write this, because I forsee a lecture coming.
I realize I put a lot of myself out there when I write these. And that puts me at risk, In general it puts me at risk for people knowing all my business. Which they don't actually know. And it just exposes who I am. Its why I write. There are things I want to say to people sometimes, and I can't. And I just express myself better in the form of words.
If you read these posts, then you know me (at least at this point) and you care about me. Or you care about my story. Or you're just nosey. Either way, I realize that I don't have to share. But I want to.
I realize I put a lot of myself out there when I write these. And that puts me at risk, In general it puts me at risk for people knowing all my business. Which they don't actually know. And it just exposes who I am. Its why I write. There are things I want to say to people sometimes, and I can't. And I just express myself better in the form of words.
If you read these posts, then you know me (at least at this point) and you care about me. Or you care about my story. Or you're just nosey. Either way, I realize that I don't have to share. But I want to.
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