Things that blow my mind...

I'm at school so I'm going to come back to this later. But, a few things have blown my mind lately

-People who get upset when college is harder than high school... *umm yea that's the point of higher education...*

-People who stop their cars, at a red light, on a train track
*they aren't hard to miss, do you want to die?*

I've got another that I figured out today.
-Students (in general) who think that putting random answers down on homework and think its going to pass.
*ummmm no. Cheating doesn't work in school.*

Come in with the Rain

Wow! Long time no post. Its been a busy few weeks. School keeps me super busy most of the time.

School is going well, though. I'm actually enjoying most of it. So that's good. I'm not a big fan of my Spanish class, but only because it is so absolutely redundant that it gets old. My English class is a bit out there, but what can you learn if you don't challenge yourself? I know that I am strong enough in my beliefs that I don't mind them being challenged. My English professor actually mentioned to us, on one of the first days, that college is a place where you have to challenge what you believe in and push your knowledge. If you don't, there is nothing left for you to learn. If you don't challenge yourself and your knowledge, you walk into college thinking you know everything about everything, and you won't be open to new information. And I completely agree with him.

On April 7, I am going to a journalism conference. I've been writing for the school's paper this semester. And the advisor mentioned the conference and wasn't sure how many she should take. And she took the list of everyone who was interested. However, when she told us that, I started having second thoughts. I was in the middle of an article that, I felt, was an absolute disaster. And I felt like I wasn't good enough to go and didn't want the school to waste their money. But, on the very last day to confirm, I emailed her and told her that. She told me that she wanted me to go, that I had the talent and it needed to be refined. So, I sucked up the insecurities and confirmed that I would in fact be going. So, we'll see how that goes.

The rest of my life is a beautiful disaster. I am, without a doubt, not where I wanted to be at 25. I am nowhere near it. I'm happy, though. It seems like everything is coming together, according to His plan. I figured that would happen eventually, I've just been waiting for it. I am almost in a spot where I just have to keep doing my part and it all flows. No real decisions to be mad. It's nice to relax and enjoy the ride.

I was listening to a Taylor Swift song on my way home from dinner with some friends tonight. The song is called "Come in with the Rain." And its incredible. But, the chorus hit me. I realize the whole song isn't about this, but I found a different meaning for the chorus and a few other parts.

I could go back to every laugh
But I don't want to go there anymore and I
know all the steps up to your door
But I don't want to go there anymore
Talk to the wind, talk to the sky
Talk to the man with the reasons why
And let me know what you find

I'll leave my window open
Cause I'm too tired tonight
to call your name
Just know I'm right here hoping
You'll come in with the rain

I could stand up and sing you a song
But I don't want to have to go that far and I
I've got you down, I know you by heart
And you don't even know where I start
Talk to yourself, talk to the tears
Talk to the man who put you here
Don't wait for the sky to clear

CHORUS

I've watched you so long
screamed your name
I don't know what else
I can say

But I'll leave my window open
Cause I'm too tired tonight
for all these games
Just know I'm right here hoping
You'll come in with the rain

I could go back to every laugh
But I don't want to go there
anymore..

Okay, so not all of it holds this meaning. But here's the way I hear it.

I'll leave my window openCause I'm too tired tonightto call your nameJust know I'm right here hopingYou'll come in with the rain

Basically, that part, I see as like 'I am so worn out from trying to find the one, that I have just left the windows open in hopes that he is looking for me. Because I can't keep trying so hard.

I could stand up and sing you a songBut I don't want to have to go that far

This one, I see as like I could do all these things that are not me, to make you like me, but I don't want to do that. I want you to like me for me.

Talk to yourself, talk to the tearsTalk to the man who put you hereDon't wait for the sky to clear

Basically, in a sentence? Leave it all to God.

And that is what I am trying to do. Leave everything to God. I've tried driving the car that is my life, and I just cannot do it anymore. My plan doesn't work. It's time to be a passenger.

Sorry, its just one of those nights.

Turning Point

Twice this weekend I have heard the same thing. Something that I didn't know was true, and I'm still not sure it is. Twice people have told me this weekend that I look happy.

But am I? I most definitely have my moments. But, am I truly happy. Well outside reports say that I am. So, either I am actually happy and I have been fooling myself for a while. Or I am realllly good at acting like I am okay.

So which one is the truth? I really have no idea. Maybe it is some combination of the two options. Here is what I do know. I do know that I am accomplishing way more in my life lately than I have in a long time (plus!). I am absolutely uncomfortable with my own body (minus!) I don't have a social life (sorry Andrew! haha [plus for my bank account; minus for me]).

I also know that I feel human again. Its strange to say that, but I have spent soooo long hiding inside my walls. But, I'm slowly breaking through the wall and feeling comfortable talking to people around me; I typically am very shy.

I guess this is a big turning point and I can finally start to rebuild for good. Or maybe I just had a good weekend. Let's hope for the former.

Learning Out Loud

Spelling out loud, in a foreign language is hard, if you don't write the word down first. Yup, guess who learned that lesson. I have no idea what I was doing. I'm not sure that I want to minor in Spanish anymore, it just doesn't seem like a good idea. I'm thinking that a double major in marketing and communications. Who knows.
I've been tutoring students for the CA High School Exit Exam for about the past week and a half. I've learned that asking "is English your second language?" is a totally legit question. I've also relearned grammar skills that I have since forgotten. But, the biggest thing that strikes me is that teenagers don't necessarily know the difference between slang and academic language. It kind of breaks my heart.
I had a student today and we were working on a writing sample. They wrote "I do what I got to do." They confessed later that they nearly wrote "I do what I gotta do" but they knew "gotta" wasn't a word. Okay, I'll give them credit for that. When we told them that was slang, they were arguing with us asking how it is slang. You just have to trust us. Its not even grammatically correct slang.
So we're in the third week of the semester. It's been an adjustment. Last semester I had homework, but it wasn't like this. I'm just not used to going nonstop. I'm used to coming home straight from work. But, now its different. I have to go to school right after work and then depending on the night I get home at 6 or 7. Its not like its that much, its just new. This weekend, though, I spent the weekend nonstop reading. That's what I get for taking school seriously this time around.
Speaking of seriously, I feel like I have a lot more focus in life. And that a lot of things are coming together. But, there are still some that are not. And one of those is that weight loss thing. It's not working out very well. And, in fact, I'm just not comfortable with my body anymore. And I really need to do something about this...

Another January 13th...

I really thought that I wouldn’t hate January 13^th this year. Or at least I had hoped.

I was actually soaring right through without even thinking about it. And then I was writing my last post and the word “divorce” stopped me dead in my tracks. Shit!

Fuck this. I am so over the whole thing. I really am over it; to a degree.

I still have my things. I still cringe at the thought of getting serious with someone. Every time I think about how lucky I am that we never had kids, I cringe. What if I screw up again next time? What if next time I do have kids and he leaves me too? Then what? I’m so screwed.

I don’t want to dwell on this. Believe me. I barely even think about the divorce anymore. I keep it a secret, I don’t blurt it out. The afflictions that have been bestowed upon me are my little secrets. If you are lucky enough to get into my inner circle then maybe you know. I don’t get depressed, I don’t cry, I don’t even think about him, except this one day a year. And even then, I won’t dwell on this. I’ll write this and maybe I’ll bring it up to my mom tomorrow. But, then its over and I get on with my life.

I’ve turned into one tough chick. One girl who knows who she is and knows what she wants. And that is great. I just have to stay focused this time around. I can’t have another January 13^th.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Lets not go for “again”

This is where it gets hard

New Year’s resolutions aren’t easy to keep. Go figure. I knew I would hit this point. Nearly two weeks in and I don’t want to commit, but at the same time I do.

I’ve been eating like shit lately. No, literally, I had cookies for dinner. That part was unintentional. I didn’t realize dinner was so soon and I was only going to have 2, but I had 4. And when dinner was ready I tried to eat something real, to no avail. I was far too stuffed to eat anything. But then I got hungry because lets face it, cookies do not equal sustenance. And I ate crap again. I stopped myself from eating eventually. But, this weight loss is going to be no cake walk.

            I want to go indoor rock climbing as a means of exercise. I am not the kind of person who can just go to a gym. I never have been, I just get too bored in there. I like doing fun stuff and stuff that is entertaining. I figure indoor rock climbing will keep me entertained for a while, but no one will go. So, that kind of sucks. I guess I need new friends- or just friends in general.

Then there is that whole focus on God thing. It is great in concept. Had I seen this plan on paper before I started it, I still wouldn’t have thought about it twice. And, though I am not rethinking this one, I’m struggling with it now. Our relationship is in a great place, where it hasn’t been in a long time. But, it’s the loneliness factor that gets to me. I had my first difficult day with it on Monday.

            My little brother is in town and we went to Disneyland together, which is always fun and we always go while he is in town. And seeing all those couples got to me after a while. But, I dealt with it as well as I could. But then I have sub-conscious memos to myself that I am not dealing with this as well as I had planned. I have dreams (and ew not dirty dreams, please take your mind out of the gutter) that I have a boyfriend or have people around me. Sometimes it is just a lot of friends that I have around me; other times I have dreams where I have a boyfriend. The boyfriend can range from a very general person or even a feeling to a very very specific person (different every time). If it is a specific person, it’s not typically someone that I would even be interested in and that is how I know that its just the feeling. I’m not crushing on these people (trust me; if I told you the latest person then you would KNOW it isn’t a crush).

            I think I just miss the feeling of acceptance. It has been a long time since I felt truly accepted into a situation. I rarely feel comfortable around a group of people, even if it is people that I have known for a long time. I just don’t have conversations with them. I cannot decide if it is social anxiety or something else. But, usually, I don’t fit into any group that I am with and it just gets awkward. I hope this changes soon.

            A lot of this loneliness, as well, comes from the divorce (yup I’m going back there and I have every right, as I write this it will be January 13 in 18 minutes FML). I put a lot of trust in him. When I used to have break ups, it was me, or it was mutual. I was never left; I never had to fight for what I wanted. And I fought, I fought like HELL for what I wanted, but that wasn’t good enough. So I guess somewhere that translates into not good enough at all.

Weird, I know.

New Years Resolutions

New Years Resolutions. I'd say that most people make them (personally, I don't believe in them). I'd also say that most people don't keep them. So why do we make them?
It doesn't make sense. New Year, new beginnings? Okay.. New month new beginnings? New day?
Okay, sure, new year new beginnings, I'll bite. But then, why do we make resolutions that we cannot keep? "I want to lose 100 pounds this year." Okay, I could be really cruel to this one, but if you have 100 pounds to lose, start smaller. Within your reach. "I will find the man/woman that I will marry" (fill in your own blank). You honestly, have no control over that.
I guess its that we're not only a generation of instant gratification, but a country of instant gratification as well. When we say we want to lose 100 pounds we mean that we want action and we want it now. And we don't want to work for it. No exercise, no watching what we eat. Nope. We try pills and magic machines to lose that wieght (think- shake weight, minimal work for supposed "extrodinary" results).
So then, how many people make resoultions that they have to actually work for? I know that not everyone makes these instant gratification resolutions. What would be the changes?
That said, I did in fact make resolutions this year. I know I don't believe in them. But, like Justine told me the other night "It just seems like a good year for resolutions." Could mine be these afformentioned "instant gratification" resolutions? Of course. But, they won't be.

1. I want to lose 20 pounds before I move to Texas.
2. I want to focus less on this non-existant love life and more on my relationship with God.

Here's to a better 2011.