Gut wrenching Pain

My heart is hurting today. Gut wrenching pain. There are certain things in this world that we all wish we could fix. That we wish we could make go away.

My heart aches for a friend of mine. She found out on Thursday that the love of her life, her boyfriend was killed in Afghanistan. Justine texted me to tell me, the moment she found out. All I could say to her was "I don't understand. I don't get it." Over and over and over. You see, Chrissy is one of the most amazing women I have ever had the privilege of speaking to knowing. She is nice and sweet to everyone that she comes across. I can't remember a negative word ever coming from her. So after I stopped repeating that I didn't understand, I started asking "why Chrissy? Why Josh? Why them? It's not fair."

I have never questioned the things God has done. I'm not kidding. Even with the divorce I always assumed there was some reason. But this, this I just don't get. Why would God do this to them? I really wish I had an answer, but I don't know that any of us ever will.

We are all a part of this amazing group of women who in less than 24 hours after finding out, had raised over $1000 for her. Women who aren't even active on the site any longer were chipping in. There are no words for that kind of heart and giving. We may have our differences, but boy when we need to, we can get it together.

This life isn't fair. The military life sucks. I hate that this had to happen.

Please please, if anything comes of this, don't forget to tell those around you how much you love them and how grateful you are for them.

I wish I could give her one more call, one more hug, one more kiss... something from him. Anything. I wish she didn't hurt like this.

Chrissy, I wish I could take your pain away. All of us girls want to put our arms around. We want to be there with you and scream and yell and do whatever you need to do. If you need anything at all, I am here for you. Please do not hesitate to ask. <3

Oops.

That didn't go well.

I tried to find a new recruiter. Note, tried. You see. I called 411 and asked for the Navy recruiter in Mira Mesa, CA. I KNOW there is one there. The lady tells me she doesn't have a listing. But, she says "how about San Diego?" Okay, I can drive a bit. "Okay I'll send you to the first one." She connects me.

Guy answers "World's Finest Navy.. blah blah blah." So I give him the schpiel. Explain to him that I already have a recruiter. And everything going on; knees, migraine, amazing asvab.

He responds. I hear his accent. OH. SHIT.

So I ask him "you're in Escondido huh?" Yuuuuup. Fuck.

He knew exactly who I was. How do I cover this up? I don't. I apologize- profusely. Tell him I wasn't trying to do anything and that I was extremely frustrated with my recruiter. And not necessarily that I was still waiting, but that I had no communication and he lost my number-twice. You see, it wasn't my direct recruiter. Nope. It was his boss. So I totally ended up calling out my recruiter to his boss.

I won't be showing my face (or calling) around there any time soon....

Navy Question. Help!

I have a lot of military friends around. So I had a question, and its kind of a matter of opinion.

So 3 months ago, back in May, MEPS had some issue or another with my knee. We thought it was my migraines. I was TOLD by the doctors that it was my migraines. But, the code that was written down was for my knee, which I had surgery on almost SIX YEARS AGO now. And I played a year of college volleyball on it. When the recruiter said knee, I figured whatev, its not that big of a deal. They had to send it to Tennessee for the Naval Medical Bureau to decide. Recruiter tells me three months. No big deal. I wait it out. I go through the phase of not wanting to go. blah blah blah.

About two weeks ago, I decide I want to go, like yesterday. So, I call the recruiter. Head Recruiter, knows me, remembers me says he is going to see what's up with it. I call back the next day, they are not there, but some kid answers and says he will find out and call me back. But, he doesn't (I'm assuming he was a recruiter, just sounded really young and had no idea who I was, fair enough). But, then I call the office the next day and my recruiter answers says he has no info. I tell him I'm gonna call him every week until I know something. A week later, I try to stop by the office at 2:30, no one is there. No biggie. I go shopping for about 20-30 minutes. Come back. Nope not there. So I call the recruiters cell phone. And he answers, and I ask him if there is anything new. He says no. And I explain to him how I'm really ready to go and he doesn't seem interested. Then asks if I got a new cell phone number. Um no? I've had this phone for almost 4 years! You've called me on it! So apparently he didn't even have my number.

The only contact I've gotten from him in the last three months was of my own doing.

So the question, is it time to find a new recruiter?

Misery Business...

I wish that someone, even just one person, knew how miserable I am. All. The. Time. I don't even wake up happy. There's really nothing to look forward to. Its like an endless cycle. For once, it has nothing to do with the divorce. I realized the other day, that I don't even feel that pain anymore. I'm completely over that. So that's good.

So, why am I so miserable? I really wish I could answer that. It would help me fix this issue. I do know that I am not where I thought I would be at 24, almost 25. I expected to at least have a degree by now. NOPE. But, the best I can say for myself is that I have gone back, and I DO know what I want to do for myself. At least today.

I guess I just feel lonely. I see that everyone my age (at least a lot of them) they are all out and have lives and are making lives. But, where am I, exactly? Lost? That sounds about right....

How do you get so sick?

There are about to be some big changes in my life. In many many areas. I'll get to some of them later. But first, this post may be a bit TMI.

I knew it was a migraine from the start. My migraines just don't happen like this. I don't get the headache first. My migraines start with losing my vision, which is the scariest feeling in the world, even after getting them for 12 years now. Then, a more recent development, my entire left side goes numb. And then, the most recent development, I stop making sense when I speak. I can't remember words, I jumble my sentences. In all, its a hot mess. And then the headache. The easy part. Usually, once that hits, I'm good to go and fully functional. Its the other stuff (the stroke symptoms, as the doctor calls it) that knock me on my ass.

So, what was different this time? I woke up with the headache. My right eyeball felt like it was swollen. I kept wondering 'is this even possible? Can my eyeball explode?' Okay, maybe I was a bit delirious. But, really, I woke up at about 5:30 with this pain. And I tried sleeping it off. But I woke up at about 7:30 and it wasn't going anywhere, and fast. Doesn't mean that I didn't try. But, at 8, the puke-fest kicked off. I'm not the kind of person that gets sick and throws up. If I get sick its strep throat. I have the worst tonsils EVER. It sucks. But, from that point, I seriously was throwing up every half hour for 2 and a half hours. By the 4th and 5th time, I just kept thinking "I don't have the energy for this." I seriously am wondering how I survived. I just couldn't continue.

In the midst of all this, I was trying to figure out what was wrong. I had the headache, but, it was more like a sinus headache. And yea, I throw up once when I get migraines, it usually relieves the pressure. But, 5 times? That was weird. But, I did end up loosing my vision and my left side went numb. So what was it? All three? I'm still feeling completely off. Better, just off. But, what was it? I still have no idea. Was it the flu, a sinus infection and a migraine all at once? I guess thats possible?

I texted A immediately upon getting sick. Just to give her a heads-up. Her and her dad were the only people I really saw yesterday. If they get sick, I will feel like the worst friend ever. I guess her dad isn't so concerned, he laughed.

Either way, there are going to be some changes. I'm so sick of walking around wondering when I am going to get another migraine. I can't do this. I worry about everything. When I get married again, will I get a migraine that day? I still wonder how I didn't get a migraine the day of my first wedding, I was so stressed out (I mean SOMEONE was 5 hours late.. but another time, another blog). Its just, its not a fun existence. I actually told my mom this is my greatest fear if I end up joining the Navy. This migraine was soooo debilitating that, if I'm in boot camp and this happens, what am I supposed to say 'I have a migraine, I can't.' Cause that's gonna fly. I don't want it to be an issue. I really don't. I wish the whole thing had gone through when I started it. When my heart was in it. But, things happen. And I get migraines, and its a fact of life.

But as for the changes, I definitely need to start taking better care of myself. I always laugh that if a normal person drank the amount of caffeine that I drink they would be up for 10 days. That's not really healthy. And yea, I have a gym membership, but I don't really use it much. Its time to change all this. I'll let you know how it goes.

Comic Con 2010

I'm not a fan of comic books. I've never read Superman, Batman or anything of the like. I don't watch Anime and I know nothing of artists. But, when someone told me they had passes and asked if I wanted to go, I jumped at the chance. Living in San Diego, you always hear about comic con. In fact, last year I went to downtown San Diego to a club, the weekend of Comic Con. And we saw people, at midnight, still dressed up. Its an intense weekend for the people who are into it. But, like I said, its not my thing.

When you first walk into the San Diego Convention Center, it is overwhelming. There are booths as far as the eye can see. That doesn't even include all the people who come in character. I spent most of the day asking "who is that?" "who is he supposed to be?" I'm pretty sure if I asked it one more time, someone was going to stab me with one of their costume swords. I admit, it was probably annoying, but I didn't know. So it's not my fault. At least I was interested right? The thing that confused me, why were all the girls so scantily clad? That doesn't make sense. I saw two girls in complete lingerie. Corsets, thigh highs lingerie. That, that part I didn't get. And dorky girls, they aren't the ugly girls you remember from high school. I mean, some of them were, but most of them, made me feel ugly.

The first part of the convention that I saw was simply comic books. Batman #1's and amazing Spiderman's. Which, is cool. But, I remained unphased. But as we walked more, we got into the network stuff, the CBS booth and the movie previews. The Harry Potter preview.. amazing. I literally cannot wait to see it. There was a bunch of Big Bang Theory stuff. I loved seeing Sheldon's face everywhere.

All in all, it was a good experience to have. I don't know that I would ever pay to go. Its just not my thing. But, if I ever go again, I am dressing up as Penny from Big Bang Theory. It will demonstrate how out of the loop I am, but still willing to try.

And  few pictures:

and the love of my life was there <3

Lost. Completely. Utterly.

Edited. Apologize.


Forgive me, this is a vent. And I literally have NO ONE that I can say this to.

I seriously wonder if I have hit rock bottom. I haven't had a real paycheck in over a month now. We're still on optional status at work. But, when we do go in, I have clients screaming at me. They have given us $300 since we were raided on June 23. I am job hunting. I've applied at probably 50 places since last week. My cell phone bill is due tomorrow. My Disneyland Annual Pass is due the 20th (Contract says I can't cancel it until December or I would. Paying it was never an issue until this month). My gym membership (comes out of dad's account, too late to cancel) is also due the 20th. I'm already behind on one credit card. I have another card and the payment is due Friday. And I don't know what to do about it. My dad is threatening to kick me out if I don't pay him $100 by the 15th (rent. And he's serious he says "why should I have to suffer?") Plus, my car is finally coming back Sunday and my dad says that they are transferring it into my name on Monday and I have to find insurance. I had a job that would pay for all of this and then some and I would have no problem with that. And I told him this today. I have no problem paying my own insurance and all that. But, not right now, not when this is completely out of my control.

And then, there's my lack of dating. I literally have never felt more rejected in my life. I'm ready to start again. But, there's nothing there. Like literally, no men pay attention to me. And when they do, literally, they try to get sexual in 4.2 seconds. That's not my thing. Not one bit, not at all. And I'm so sick of my friends telling me "why don't you date?" or "you need to date?" Really? really? Ya think so? What do you think I'm doing?

And friends. I can literally count the friends (not family) who would come running if something happened to me, on one hand. And that sucks. I literally have no one around. The one friend I do have (that lives here), isn't always around when her boyfriend (who I introduced her to!) isn't at Mojave Viper. And even like this weekend, I said lets do something that doesn't involved alcohol. She's like I don't have money for that. So just tell me, you don't want to do anything other than drink. And I'll just skip straight to telling you that I am going to stay home. That's where she is. And that is totally fine with me. I'm not opposed to going out. I'm really not. Just not every single night. Its not where I am. And I would love new friends. I would love to be around people. But, I don't know where to start.


I honestly have never felt so alone, and rejected, and lost in my entire life. And I'm starting to lose it. I seriously want to just vanish. I want to delete my facebook, I want to change my number, I want to move far away. And not tell anyone. Because, moments like this, I feel like no one would notice.