How do you get so sick?

There are about to be some big changes in my life. In many many areas. I'll get to some of them later. But first, this post may be a bit TMI.

I knew it was a migraine from the start. My migraines just don't happen like this. I don't get the headache first. My migraines start with losing my vision, which is the scariest feeling in the world, even after getting them for 12 years now. Then, a more recent development, my entire left side goes numb. And then, the most recent development, I stop making sense when I speak. I can't remember words, I jumble my sentences. In all, its a hot mess. And then the headache. The easy part. Usually, once that hits, I'm good to go and fully functional. Its the other stuff (the stroke symptoms, as the doctor calls it) that knock me on my ass.

So, what was different this time? I woke up with the headache. My right eyeball felt like it was swollen. I kept wondering 'is this even possible? Can my eyeball explode?' Okay, maybe I was a bit delirious. But, really, I woke up at about 5:30 with this pain. And I tried sleeping it off. But I woke up at about 7:30 and it wasn't going anywhere, and fast. Doesn't mean that I didn't try. But, at 8, the puke-fest kicked off. I'm not the kind of person that gets sick and throws up. If I get sick its strep throat. I have the worst tonsils EVER. It sucks. But, from that point, I seriously was throwing up every half hour for 2 and a half hours. By the 4th and 5th time, I just kept thinking "I don't have the energy for this." I seriously am wondering how I survived. I just couldn't continue.

In the midst of all this, I was trying to figure out what was wrong. I had the headache, but, it was more like a sinus headache. And yea, I throw up once when I get migraines, it usually relieves the pressure. But, 5 times? That was weird. But, I did end up loosing my vision and my left side went numb. So what was it? All three? I'm still feeling completely off. Better, just off. But, what was it? I still have no idea. Was it the flu, a sinus infection and a migraine all at once? I guess thats possible?

I texted A immediately upon getting sick. Just to give her a heads-up. Her and her dad were the only people I really saw yesterday. If they get sick, I will feel like the worst friend ever. I guess her dad isn't so concerned, he laughed.

Either way, there are going to be some changes. I'm so sick of walking around wondering when I am going to get another migraine. I can't do this. I worry about everything. When I get married again, will I get a migraine that day? I still wonder how I didn't get a migraine the day of my first wedding, I was so stressed out (I mean SOMEONE was 5 hours late.. but another time, another blog). Its just, its not a fun existence. I actually told my mom this is my greatest fear if I end up joining the Navy. This migraine was soooo debilitating that, if I'm in boot camp and this happens, what am I supposed to say 'I have a migraine, I can't.' Cause that's gonna fly. I don't want it to be an issue. I really don't. I wish the whole thing had gone through when I started it. When my heart was in it. But, things happen. And I get migraines, and its a fact of life.

But as for the changes, I definitely need to start taking better care of myself. I always laugh that if a normal person drank the amount of caffeine that I drink they would be up for 10 days. That's not really healthy. And yea, I have a gym membership, but I don't really use it much. Its time to change all this. I'll let you know how it goes.

Comic Con 2010

I'm not a fan of comic books. I've never read Superman, Batman or anything of the like. I don't watch Anime and I know nothing of artists. But, when someone told me they had passes and asked if I wanted to go, I jumped at the chance. Living in San Diego, you always hear about comic con. In fact, last year I went to downtown San Diego to a club, the weekend of Comic Con. And we saw people, at midnight, still dressed up. Its an intense weekend for the people who are into it. But, like I said, its not my thing.

When you first walk into the San Diego Convention Center, it is overwhelming. There are booths as far as the eye can see. That doesn't even include all the people who come in character. I spent most of the day asking "who is that?" "who is he supposed to be?" I'm pretty sure if I asked it one more time, someone was going to stab me with one of their costume swords. I admit, it was probably annoying, but I didn't know. So it's not my fault. At least I was interested right? The thing that confused me, why were all the girls so scantily clad? That doesn't make sense. I saw two girls in complete lingerie. Corsets, thigh highs lingerie. That, that part I didn't get. And dorky girls, they aren't the ugly girls you remember from high school. I mean, some of them were, but most of them, made me feel ugly.

The first part of the convention that I saw was simply comic books. Batman #1's and amazing Spiderman's. Which, is cool. But, I remained unphased. But as we walked more, we got into the network stuff, the CBS booth and the movie previews. The Harry Potter preview.. amazing. I literally cannot wait to see it. There was a bunch of Big Bang Theory stuff. I loved seeing Sheldon's face everywhere.

All in all, it was a good experience to have. I don't know that I would ever pay to go. Its just not my thing. But, if I ever go again, I am dressing up as Penny from Big Bang Theory. It will demonstrate how out of the loop I am, but still willing to try.

And  few pictures:

and the love of my life was there <3

Lost. Completely. Utterly.

Edited. Apologize.


Forgive me, this is a vent. And I literally have NO ONE that I can say this to.

I seriously wonder if I have hit rock bottom. I haven't had a real paycheck in over a month now. We're still on optional status at work. But, when we do go in, I have clients screaming at me. They have given us $300 since we were raided on June 23. I am job hunting. I've applied at probably 50 places since last week. My cell phone bill is due tomorrow. My Disneyland Annual Pass is due the 20th (Contract says I can't cancel it until December or I would. Paying it was never an issue until this month). My gym membership (comes out of dad's account, too late to cancel) is also due the 20th. I'm already behind on one credit card. I have another card and the payment is due Friday. And I don't know what to do about it. My dad is threatening to kick me out if I don't pay him $100 by the 15th (rent. And he's serious he says "why should I have to suffer?") Plus, my car is finally coming back Sunday and my dad says that they are transferring it into my name on Monday and I have to find insurance. I had a job that would pay for all of this and then some and I would have no problem with that. And I told him this today. I have no problem paying my own insurance and all that. But, not right now, not when this is completely out of my control.

And then, there's my lack of dating. I literally have never felt more rejected in my life. I'm ready to start again. But, there's nothing there. Like literally, no men pay attention to me. And when they do, literally, they try to get sexual in 4.2 seconds. That's not my thing. Not one bit, not at all. And I'm so sick of my friends telling me "why don't you date?" or "you need to date?" Really? really? Ya think so? What do you think I'm doing?

And friends. I can literally count the friends (not family) who would come running if something happened to me, on one hand. And that sucks. I literally have no one around. The one friend I do have (that lives here), isn't always around when her boyfriend (who I introduced her to!) isn't at Mojave Viper. And even like this weekend, I said lets do something that doesn't involved alcohol. She's like I don't have money for that. So just tell me, you don't want to do anything other than drink. And I'll just skip straight to telling you that I am going to stay home. That's where she is. And that is totally fine with me. I'm not opposed to going out. I'm really not. Just not every single night. Its not where I am. And I would love new friends. I would love to be around people. But, I don't know where to start.


I honestly have never felt so alone, and rejected, and lost in my entire life. And I'm starting to lose it. I seriously want to just vanish. I want to delete my facebook, I want to change my number, I want to move far away. And not tell anyone. Because, moments like this, I feel like no one would notice.

Catching up

Sorry for the long break in the blogiture. Its been a crazy few weeks with everything thats been going on. I'm gonna try to recap everything for you.

The Navy is paused. I don't really get what's going on there. A few weeks ago I was told that they wanted me to go to MEPS for my migraines. Long story short, they had it wrong and I was supposed to be there for my knee (supposedly). I still don't buy that. I still think it was for my migraines. They closed the issue on my knee the FIRST time I went. So, I'm pretty much convinced that my recruiter is going to screw this up. It wouldn't be the end of the world, I'm not gonna lie. My hearts not completely in it anymore. I mean, I'll go with it if it happens. But, it is what it is. So they sent everything to the naval med bureau or some shit like that. So, we'll see.

I got a new job! It starts tomorrow. I finally gave up on the other one. It was ridiculous. I was over it. I was over the hours, the pay and most of the people. I hate starting new things, though. Because I'm fairly self sufficient. I don't like training new things. I just wanna go in and know what I'm doing and get it done. I guess soon enough I'll know whats up and I won't have to worry.

Amanda was here this weekend! I can't believe that the weekend finally came! I feel like we were waiting forever. And now, I am sad that it is over. But, I have every confidence she will be back :)

Here's some pictures to tie you over till I can write again and write more about the weekend.

The group at Shouthouse

That would be my best friend

So hard to keep a straight face

two/eleven photography

So my best friend (one slice of the pie... or .7853...) is not only an amazing mother. But, she is also an amazing photographer. She wanted to try some new locations (and to be honest, I think she was just itching to shoot! lol) so she forcibly took me out today. She is amazing, I swear I'm not photogenic, and she made me look amazing.
2/11 is her son's birthday. And thus two/eleven photography was born as well. Check her out. If you need anyone, go to her! I promise, its a good plan.

I LOVE this one. She told me to do whatever, "be sexy or something." So this was me pretending I knew what sexy was. And it was just too funny. It makes being 24 look like fun though. And I feel like an adult.

She says she didn't edit my hair. So much more red was left in my hair! I had no idea! And my eyes <3

LOVE

No other description needed

And this one, well its my absolute favorite so far :)

Thank you again Ashley!! I absolutely had a blast with you today. I seriously think that some of these came out this good because you get me so well. You know how to make me laugh.

Lies...

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive." -Sir Walter Scott

I don't understand why people insist on lying about who they are. I mean, I get that when we do that its because we wanted to impress the person we are lying to. But, here's the thing. When have you ever been able to keep up with that lie? Its impossible. Eventually our true colors show. Someone ends up mad, and it ends poorly. No matter what the situation. We lie to a friend, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a parent, a relative. Whoever it is, whatever the lie, the truth ALWAYS prevails.
Isn't it just easier to tell the truth? So you have two belly buttons. Who cares? Okay, so thats not a normal lie. But, you get the point. No matter what it is, wouldn't it just be easier to tell the truth? Because then its out in the open. And if it's something small (like that belly button thing!) it can be worked through.
But, what happens when it is kept a secret? Let's lose the belly button thing because thats making me weirded out. Let's go with hair color. If I dye my hair blonde, and tell you its my natural hair color, what happens when the truth comes out, a month, 6 months, a year, whatever, down the line. My roots grow out a little too much, I don't have the money to do it. Well now, its been a LIE. Its not just about my hair color anymore. Now its a fight, instead of a talk or a passing comment. See that?
And really, who can keep that all straight? Who you told what, what friends you need to tell the lie to. Who you need to tell people to keep it straight with. And then they have to keep it all straight. Or, you could just tell the truth.
Why make something bigger than it is? Tell it like it is. Personally, I would respond better to the truth. If you hate me, tell me that. If you love me, tell me that. Don't keep it a secret and tell me some other thing. Because, the truth always always always comes out. Because acting, after a while, gets old.

Mystery of God

God works in the most mysterious ways sometimes. As you can tell, I've been very angry with Chris lately. It's just a lot to get over for me. I'm angry with how it all went down. I'm happy without him, don't get me wrong. But, the anger I have about it, it's incredible.

So, on Sunday at church one of the topics mentioned was divorce. It struck a bit of a chord. And I hated it. So, I put in a prayer request, to get over my anger and to forgive him. I expected a prayer and that was all. God. Works. In. Mysterious. Ways. I got a phone call today. From a man from my church. He said he got my prayer request and was following up and wanted to pray with me. We talked for a minute. I told him how everything was fine, until about the last month of the last deployment, and things got bad and fast. I told him how (I am sure) he cheated on me. And that Chris is a Marine. The man was a Marine for 17 years. And, while his story is not mine to tell, he wants me to sit down with his wife. He feels that she would be a good resource for me to talk with. I can't wait!

God is amazing. He said that Pastor Chico walked in and told him to call #2 on the list to check-up. I was that person. They had no idea, until I talked to him, that Chris was a Marine. They had no idea the circumstances of the divorce. They knew my age, my name and that I am (now) a regular attender of the church. I feel like this whole thing is a blessing. I've never felt more welcome at a church. This is definitely Home.

<3